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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

417 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 01:35

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

OP posts:
Wanttobefree2 · 17/11/2022 07:41

I had someone do this to me recently, I did think it was a bit cheeky but figured she was asking me a reason so just said OK.

Janbohonut · 17/11/2022 07:43

babyyodaxmas is correct - if the child is struggling with friendships she needs to facilitate play dates herself. Invite kids, make sure they have a good time and put in some work.

Some parents just don't like having kids over as it's messy, a hassle, too loud etc. That's fine, but they can't then outsource playdates to some random mum.

JudgeRindersMinder · 17/11/2022 07:44

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 07:20

Um, one of them is wrong!

The other Mum can take a nice ‘direct’ approach and invite the OP’s DD to their place. Instead of intruding on someone else?!

Show quote history

This is an opinion thing, in YOUR opinion it’s wrong, in mine it isn’t It’s not an approach I’d take but I wouldn’t get my knickers in a twist about it🤷🏼‍♀️

TangerineDreaming · 17/11/2022 07:46

Say: Hi things a bit hectic with us at the moment will get back to you when things calmed down a bit.

Then don't ever get back to her.

Vague and low rsponse until she gets the message. No drama.

diddl · 17/11/2022 07:49

Perhaps the mum has made an assumption based on how the friendship used to be?

But yes rude to ask you to do the inviting rather than do it herself.

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

Tell your daughter that no, she doesn't have to for the other girl's sake!

RudsyFarmer · 17/11/2022 07:50

I had one of those. I did invite the child over but certainly saw the mother in a different light off the back of it. So be warned. All of those who think this is just ‘direct talking’ and perfectly fine and probably kidding yourselves. Most people think it’s rude and therefore think you’re rude.

RampantIvy · 17/11/2022 07:50

I would say, ‘Lovely to hear from you. But we aren’t really hosting play dates at the moment. Do let me know if you want x to come to you’.

I like this. It puts the ball back in her court.

She's after free babysitting.

That would never occur to me. I don't tend to look for ulterior motives in requests like this TBH.

Dontaskdontget · 17/11/2022 07:50

TangerineDreaming · 17/11/2022 07:46

Say: Hi things a bit hectic with us at the moment will get back to you when things calmed down a bit.

Then don't ever get back to her.

Vague and low rsponse until she gets the message. No drama.

This.

Soozikinzii · 17/11/2022 07:50

Mintyt has the right tone about it referring it back to the girls . Just saying I'll ask DD what they've said . And then leave it . Hopefully then she'll back off . If she keeps mithering then be more blunt.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 17/11/2022 07:55

I would send: Things here aren't conducive at the mo. All the best.

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 08:01

RudsyFarmer · 17/11/2022 07:50

I had one of those. I did invite the child over but certainly saw the mother in a different light off the back of it. So be warned. All of those who think this is just ‘direct talking’ and perfectly fine and probably kidding yourselves. Most people think it’s rude and therefore think you’re rude.

Absolutely.

LanaDooleyx3 · 17/11/2022 08:04

Why is this even a drama? How is her message rude?

I would assume her daughter has been asking her mum when she can come over to yours and her mum has assumed your daughter has invited her.

My little sister is 9 and has a new best friend every week it seems. I wouldn't even stop to question if she was bugging me asking to go round Xs house that her and X are no longer good buddy's and would assume they were still friends and had been arranging this amongst themselves.

IntrovertedPenguin · 17/11/2022 08:06

I would of repiled "DD has been asking the same thing when can she come to yours, maybe she can come on Wednesday and we'll arrange for your dd to come to ours another day."

Then enjoy the silence. Grin

MrsLargeEmbodied · 17/11/2022 08:07

i would respond,
i will ask dd
bit busy currently
touch base in the new year

OoooohMatron · 17/11/2022 08:10

I think it's rude. If your DD had said 'can Sarah come for tea sometime', then you would contact Sarah's mum to invite her, not the other way around.

ZenNudist · 17/11/2022 08:13

Im with the "no thanks" crew to be polite but she should really learn you don't usually invite yourself somewhere.

WonderingWanda · 17/11/2022 08:14

I was going to suggest that maybe your dd had been inviting the friend over and friend was getting upset at no firm plans but as you've said your dd was surprised I think that maybe the Mum is being quite cheeky. Just reply and be as blunt as her 'I didn't even know my dd and yours played together anymore Dd will let me know when she wants to invite a friend over' and leave it there.

viques · 17/11/2022 08:15

Oh for goodness sake , just pick a day for the child to come after school, tell the other mum to pick her up at x o clock, ask if the child has any allergies you need to know about, buy a pizza. If the play date doesn’t work out you can save the excuses for another time. You never know, the girls might get on like a house on fire, in which case your dd has a new friend.

nmnhq · 17/11/2022 08:15

Hi OP, it wouldn't surprise me if loads of people have been sent this exact same request. Basically, she is casting the net to get as much after school childcare as she can.

There was a mum in one of my DC class who sent a similar message, without fail, to the whole year group before every school holiday. It became a standing joke among everyone, frankly. It would be, "Hi hope all well. DD has been talking so much about having a play date at yours. Would 23/24 July be any good. Otherwise she can do any days between 1-5th August. Thanks!"

Even worse, the 'play dates' consisted of the child being dropped off at 7.30am (all my kids still in bed) with no money and a "oh the nanny will collect at 6 or maybe 7, not sure. Thanks!"

If you think about it, there were two classes of about 24 kids, so even if she just got a day out of most of them, that could be over a months free childcare. The woman was shameless. This is what some people are like though. Esprciallly as I am a SAHM. She just saw me as a free childcare option as "I was there anyway" (she actually said this too me). Yes, with 4 kids of my own thanks!

JanetSally · 17/11/2022 08:18

BMW6 · 17/11/2022 02:27

I'd just reply "No thanks"

Please don't do that.

nmnhq · 17/11/2022 08:20

The same woman once phoned me to say her daughter was crying in the local holiday activities camp. She wanted me to go and collect her and "just hold into her" for the day. This was in a Monday morning and I knew if I did, I'd have this child for the week. I pretended we were going away.

RampantIvy · 17/11/2022 08:23

So much projecting going on in this thread. Maybe the child just wants someone to play with after school? Although, if this was the case the parent should have invited the OP's DD to her house first.

Disneygirl37 · 17/11/2022 08:24

I think it sounds like her dd is having friendship issues and maybe wants to build new friendships. I would arrange for her to come around this time and see what happens. She could be having a really tough time.

nmnhq · 17/11/2022 08:28

Yes but if your child wants friends, you invite kids to your house and make the effort, surely?

IamnotSethRogan · 17/11/2022 08:29

Maybe reply something along the lines of having a lot on at the moment and you'll let her know when you're free. Then never do.