To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

You clearly haven't RTFT or even OPs posts about her having four DCs including SEN child in and out of hospital It isn't the more the merrier

Besides if you'd RTFT or OPs updates and recent posts you'd see it has been resolved

It’s your daughters friend yes? I don’t see a problem other than if it’s only ever at yours?

You can filter posts so you can easily read just OP’s. If you did that you would see that, no, she isn’t really a friend any more and yes, in the past when they were friends it was only ever at OP’s house.

You don’t even need to filter the OP’s posts - you just need to read the OP.

It says, back when they did play dates, they were only ever at the OP’s house.

Resist. The mother is taking the piss. Same thing happened to me, except DD did want to play with the other girl. Before I realised what was happening, not only were we providing free child-care whenever the mother wanted it, several times a week, but having to go and collect the child to bring her to ours because it wasn’t the Mother’s day to have the car. 50 minute round trip. DD was not invited back, not once. It went on for years. Stupid me.

Oh no op!!! Maybe someone else told her she was rude?? Either way at least it's resolved.

Maybe she is having a hard time with her friend group and her mother is trying to help her branch out and she has been to yours before so contacted you. Probably just blurted it out rather than going through all the small talk.
You don't know what's going on so i wouldnt just assume she is rude. If it feels confusing to you then there is likely n9re to the story. Perhaps your daughter can shed light, but perhaps she hasn't noticed anything.
If your daughter is happy to have the play date then just agree.

@Mumofsons87 so why didn’t she invite her over to their house? The rude part is inviting yourself to other people’s houses.

Probably just blurted it out rather than going through all the small talk.

She didn’t have to ‘go through all the small talk’ to simply invite the OP’s child to their house, instead of imposing on her….? Don’t understand the point you’re making.

Would you invite yourself to someone’s house you hadn’t seen in a while, if you wanted to rekindle a friendship? Or would you do the thing that’s far more likely to win you the friendship, and invite them to your place?

Update : both play dates have now happened. The one at the friends house, followed today by one at ours. The girls have got on so well, and it does appear that the other girl was struggling with her close friendship group within the class, and actually isn’t being treated very kindly by them. (She is dyslexic and showed me some horrible messages her ‘friends’ had sent her) I’ve spoke to her mum this evening, and she’s going to address this at school. (She knew they weren’t getting along too well at the moment but did not know about the nastiness her DD disclosed to me tonight)
Thanks again to everyone that took the time to advise.

Thanks for the update and glad things have had a positive outcome!

Kids make plans, the parent is asking when is a good day, I can't see the issue?

You don’t have to say yes but to be angry/annoyed is an overreaction to me. She didn’t say she told her DD she can come to yours, she said her DD has been asking if she can go so she said she’ll ask you and then asked you what days are best for you. For goodness sake, people are just trying to be friendly!!

You’re a great person to have around a month after an event, when everything’s been long-since resolved, @Whattodoaboutnothing2022 ….

😂😂😂

Type of person who has a witty comeback to something 2 weeks after the event

What a lovely update!

Hopefully the school puts a stop to the bullying.

Sorry I didn’t realise how long ago the thread was. Glad there was a good outcome!