To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

As your DD said she didn't mind then I think you should let the girl round. It's called charitableness.

I think she’s being rude.
Iff DD wants to see her then invite her over, otherwise say something like. “We’re a bit tied up at the moment but would be nice to see (daughter) in the future”

With your daughter's reaction I'd probably just ignore it to be honest. I'm pretty direct but if my kids make arrangements in the playground I won't ask the other mum when, I'll say I can't invite you to someone else's house but I can invite them here or try to arrange to meet somewhere. That's with my 9 year old. 14 year old makes his own arrangements and we are just taxi service.

"Sorry but (daughter) doesn't know anything about it." Leave it at that, hopefully she won't reply!

No wonder the country is in a state.
Try to be sociable they are only children. The Mum may be trying to get friends for her child. That’s good parenting. Imagine it was your child.
just have the little girl to you home. Make a fuss of her - that’s the true hand of friendship.
Be nice!!

At first I thought it was rude - however I’m wondering if her DD is struggling with friendships and feels sad as she’s often not invited to peoples houses. With that in mind I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and invite her DD. However I’d only do this if your DD enjoyed her company and was fine with the plan.

I think give her a call, more information might come out that makes the whole thing make more sense.

I don't think her message is rude at all. My DS will often come home from school and say "x has invited me to his house to play". I will then text the parent to see if this is the case. They nearly always reply that it's fine. I don't see the big issue here at all. Just say no if it's not convenient.

Yeah I get that. I just couldn't get that worked up about it. If it's not convenient, say that. If it is, shrug off the cheekiness and invite her. Might be fun for the kids. All this "they're not great friends any more" stuff is a bit miserable imo.

🤯 at the amount of posters who genuinely think it’s ok to launch yourself into someone’s home. The sheer audacity of believing you & your children have a god given right to be anywhere you fancy.
I can only wonder how else this entitlement manifests.

If you or your children are hoping to make friends, as often suggested, invite people to your OWN homes.

This is pretty common where we are. I have been asked by couple of mums i did not know at all who got my number from someone else or just literally chased after me at the school gate. You could always say no. She was only asking. I don't think she was rude at all.

No I think she meant ours! Makes more sense

I think it’s very rude and bad manners. I would assume perhaps it was someone from another country who didn’t quite understand social norms here and I’d be much more understanding if that were the case. But my DC went to school with lots of children from other countries and backgrounds and not once did anyone ever just invite themselves round. You always invite them first. I don’t understand why people don’t know how to behave, actually what is going through their head.

Reply....ah bugger Tuesdays are the only evening we can do

If the child was struggling socially surely the mum would frame the request along those lines. The way she has done it is weird. I would say sorry I can’t have her but she love to come to you (but only if she was of course)

Bollox did she mean "ours" - this thread has got back to her.

Jolly good - she now knows she's unreasonable and the DC can have a nice time at her house for once.

Don't know where the came from!

That’s not direct - that’s rude. Simply because she hasn’t asked if the play date is okay. She is assuming it is - and just expects you to choose a date.

Don’t be rediculous. More the merrier when it comes to friendships. She’s just being direct which sometimes is a good thing

Shes 9, my son is 9 so i can relate, thinking of some of the other kids in his class. Some just really want to have an evening away from their own house! Dont read into the mums message too much, just let the child come over if your daughter is happy enough about it and see how it goes, its only a few hours, if it doesnt work out youve lost nothing and the girls might have a nice time together. Rightly or wrongly, the other girl may well have told her mum shes been invited, id go with the flow, theres no harm in it.

Seriously this is petty. Just let the kids play and don’t be so precious and over analysing.

My dad would do that to me. He would invite me to go to classmates houses because I had no friends. He just declared that x was a nice girl and that I should go and play with her. I remember the cringe when he picked up the phone to call the parent. There was no WhatsApp message 30 years ago and so the parent was put on the spot. They had no chance to ask MN for advice.
I had to go to someone’s house and often ended up having a nice conversation with the mum until I got picked up. My dad would leave me alone for a few months and I could continue my solitary existence in peace.

Hi it is a bit odd, I would just say, hi how are you its been a long time ? Unfortunately you are all really busy right now and a play date doesn't suit you at the moment. Maybe when things calm down.
Then leave it at that

Glad it’s all sorted op.

I personally think this is really rude. If your daughter doesn't really play with her much anymore and doesn't know about her asking to come it's a weird and pushy.