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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

417 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 01:35

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

OP posts:
user193945 · 17/11/2022 05:15

I agree it's cheeky but I would absolutely let it go. Things can get so nasty between girls at school at this age so I would keep things sweet for both your DD and the other girl's sake. If you're daughter is happy to have the girl round then just grit your teeth and go ahead and arrange it, despite how it came about. Then see if they have fun and go from there.
If your DD is happy to go around to the other girl's house then you could offer that as an alternative. "We have tons going on over here at the moment but DD would be happy for a play date around yours instead, if that works for you".

I really wouldn't be looking to cause drama with school mums/school girls. It could backfire quite spectacularly over the next few years when the girls can get so nasty!

carefulcalculator · 17/11/2022 05:20

That's definitely rude.

How you reply is difficult! In theory I'd like to be pragmatic and do what would make my daughter happiest, in reality I'd be stubborn if someone invited themselves like that.

carefulcalculator · 17/11/2022 05:21

abmac95 · 17/11/2022 03:55

I would be 'direct' right back

Hi X, I asked DD when she would like X to come round but she said that her and your DD don't play that often anymore. They get along okay but DD was surprised to hear that your DD wanted to have a playdate. Are you sure you have the right kid/family?

Oh don't do this, that's unnecessary.

VashtaNerada · 17/11/2022 05:22

Unless you really can’t do it or DD really doesn’t want to, I’d say yes. It’s very odd but that makes me wonder what’s behind it. Is her DD having friendship issues and mum’s trying to help her build friendships with nicer kids? Have there been changes at home and she feels her DD needs something to look forward to? Just let the girls play together and see what happens.

SheWoreARaspberryBeret123 · 17/11/2022 05:23

How about, "sorry can't do this week. Maybe another time."

Then she might just leave it.

PrestonNorthHen · 17/11/2022 05:24

Hmm I think she's setting up ASC.
Random text and " what day can you do"
I bet that's gone to a few people.

ToastAndJames · 17/11/2022 05:26

Possibly her DD has given her the impression that this has all been discussed and agreed between the two girls?

Cant really say whether it’s rude or just direct without knowing that. I’d just go with what your DD wants- if she’d like her to come round, say yes. But keep an eye out for CFery.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2022 05:36

Firstly, talk to your dd. If she wants the girl to come round, let that happen by planning a date and in the reply to the mum, ask her when your dd can come to hers and giving days when that can happen. If your dd doesn’t want her dd to come, you’ll have to politely decline, maybe say you’ve got a lot of pre Christmas family stuff going on so sorry but not right now.

I wouldn’t ignore the message as I would have compassion for the girl. Her mother could be a cf or perhaps the girl is struggling with friendships. Either way, that’s tough on a child.

HowzAboutIt · 17/11/2022 05:40

Unless she has named your DD in the original text, it seems it's a Round Robin one that she has sent to other parents too and is seeing what offers she gets back

Genegenieee · 17/11/2022 05:46

Tell her the only day that works is Tuesday Smile

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/11/2022 05:49

Your relationship is irrelevant. Ask DD what she wants. It's a very direct text but it's not necessarily rude. Although the round robin is a good point.

aroman · 17/11/2022 05:55

The confusing thing is that they don't play together much and your daughter was surprised by the invite.

That makes me think maybe the child is struggling socially and the mum is trying to help her make friends, and might have sent this to a few people.

If you are happy to have people over generally, and your daughter is happy with it, I'd invite her.

Ladybug14 · 17/11/2022 05:56

Be DD led. If she's not bothered about this girl coming over just reply in a friendly way saying that you're really busy, sorry.

I think the message from the mother is very direct. I also think that HER daughter has led her to believe its an 'already on the table offer' of a playdate

PrestonNorthHen · 17/11/2022 05:57

aroman · 17/11/2022 05:55

The confusing thing is that they don't play together much and your daughter was surprised by the invite.

That makes me think maybe the child is struggling socially and the mum is trying to help her make friends, and might have sent this to a few people.

If you are happy to have people over generally, and your daughter is happy with it, I'd invite her.

This and the what day can you do CF message makes me think she's arranging after school care !

Rinatinabina · 17/11/2022 05:57

I would just say “I’m really sorry I think theres been a mix up somewhere, I haven’t planned any playdates for DD”. Your DD really also has to understand that she doesn’t have to host someone just because they invited themselves around and it’s ok to say no. I think it’s fine to be direct with people who are direct themselves.

She didn’t say that your DD had invited her DD she said my daughter wants to come to your house (and therefore you should accommodate). If her DD had given the impression she was invited she would have said “my Dd said your DD invited her around…what dates are you free”. TBH I’d be a bit worried about inflicting pushy people on DD out of politeness.

autienotnaughty · 17/11/2022 05:58

I don't understand why some posters are being negative to you! It's rude to invite yourself (or your child) to someone's house, particularly if you are not friends. The problem is if you agree to it you are accepting the behaviour and this could become a regular thing where you are expected to have her dd at drop of a hat either to give her a break or as adhoc childcare. Personally I'd say "thanks for message, we are quite busy after school so it might be tricky, let me know if you want my dd to come to yours though. She can do xyz days. "

custardbear · 17/11/2022 06:01

Blimey! It usually works the other way around doesn't it! Come to my house, then you invite back again some other time 😳

Softplayhooray · 17/11/2022 06:02

OP she was probably juggling a bunch of stuff alongside her DD saying please please arrange a playdate, and she fired off a message that could've been better but ultimately is nice in its intention - the kids having some fun together (& the kid might've claimed you'd already said yes to if) - why not just say you're having work done on the house if you really don't want her, or just sick it up and have her over once?

SerenaTee · 17/11/2022 06:03

That would put my back up too. I’d be tempted to reply “We’re not hosting play dates at the moment but DD is happy to come to yours, let me know what day suits. Can’t do Monday because of dancing” 😈

heartbroken22 · 17/11/2022 06:03

You sound quite mean. Maybe she's trying to help her daughter have friends and instead of inviting you first she's used her initiative and asked you. Maybe you'll get a play date the next week.

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 06:03

‘She’s just being direct’…

You’re snobby??!!

WTF?

If she’s ‘just being direct’, why can’t she invite your DD to her place…..?

She’s an unmitigated cheeky fucker.

I’d just reply back and say, ‘no dates spring to mind for us right now, but if you want to come back to us with some dates for DD to come to your place, just let me know and hopefully we can make something work’.

FML. Nowt so queer as folk…. 😳

P.S. YANBU. Obviously.

FluffyPancake · 17/11/2022 06:06

Be prepared that your DD is never going to get a reciprocal invitation. This isn’t a ‘play date’, this is the mum demanding free childcare. As long as you’re OK with that then knock yourself out 🤷‍♀️

Autumnisclose · 17/11/2022 06:06

I'd just go back and say you didn't know anything about it and will chat to DD then leave it. I doubt she will come back after that..At least that way she will know it wasn't an :on the table offer ' and might back off.. If she's one of those who never invites anyone back then she's probably a CF angling for childcare..Met quite a few of those in my time.

AnyOldThings · 17/11/2022 06:08

Yes that’s rude. She should’ve invited your DD to hers if she’s the one instigating a play date.

To avoid drama and since your DD isn’t bothered, I’d just reply that no dates are good at the moment, that you’ve got a lot on, but you’ll be in touch if that changes. Then leave it at that.

Babasghost · 17/11/2022 06:08

It's cheeky, essentially asking you to take care of her kid for a few hours.

If your dd hasn't arranged this then ugh!

I'd just say sorry we are swamped.
Then if she follows up again I'd try one of the other more direct things .
People are weird and it's awkward.

But whatever next sending a load of washing round? Saying what her daughter wants for her tea?