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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

417 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 01:35

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

OP posts:
libraryday · 17/11/2022 07:20

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2022 02:04

Literally anyone would be irked by that - it might be direct, but it’s rude. You don’t ask for an invite - you offer the invitation to your house and hope it’s reciprocated.

I’d reply something like ‘We’ve got a lot of after school commitments so we’re not hosting much at the moment, sorry. But I’ll ask DD if she’d like to arrange something and let you know.’

Exactly this.

Oblomov22 · 17/11/2022 07:20

I think that's incredibly cheeky. That's not the way it works. You invite the other child to yours, first, hoping that they'll then reciprocate.

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 07:20

JudgeRindersMinder · 17/11/2022 07:19

And this illustrates the difference, other mum has taken a direct approach whilst you waffle!

Neither are wrong, just different

Show quote history

Um, one of them is wrong!

The other Mum can take a nice ‘direct’ approach and invite the OP’s DD to their place. Instead of intruding on someone else?!

underneaththeash · 17/11/2022 07:20

I'd reply with " I'll double check with DD when she gets home, but yes, I'm sure she'd love to come round to yours. She's around next Monday, what time would you like me to pick her up?"

MrsLargeEmbodied · 17/11/2022 07:21

yup, just say i will see what dd thinks
and as dd has said if she likes you could respond

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/11/2022 07:21

She's after free babysitting.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 17/11/2022 07:22

can i be the first to say
they are both on the spectrum! Wink

Abcdefu · 17/11/2022 07:23

Maybe her wee girl is struggling and they are reaching out to more than you just you and her DD?

If DD is happy. If not decline. Maybe just sorry it doesn't suit at the minute we have so much on

babyyodaxmas · 17/11/2022 07:25

TeenDivided · 17/11/2022 07:16

You know the threads about children (with or without SEN) who don't have many friends for no particular reason? And how everyone jumps over themselves to say how awful it is that some children get left out?

The other DD is keen (or the Mum is) and your DD doesn't mind.

What's the worst that can happen if you invite her over?

But why not invite the OPs Dd over then ? That is the convention. If and when my DCs (now 18&16) were going through a difficult time socially one made the extra effort oneself. Usually invite to something really appealing (build a bear, ice skating, go ape) if finances made this impossible then a very carefully curated playdate with popular structured activities ( biscuit icing, trip to bigger than average park, walk in the woods). I didn't invite them round to other's houses.

Oblomov22 · 17/11/2022 07:25

If the girls aren't really friends and dd acted surprised? Presumably dd has other friends and goes to their houses and you have other girls over to yours. Sounds like this girl knows that and is just chancing her luck.

Sunnidaze · 17/11/2022 07:25

Queenofthebrae · 17/11/2022 01:51

I think she's being quite rude. You don't invite yourself or your child to someone else's home. If her DD was keen on a play date she could have asked your DD to her house. It's particularly strange as you say the girls aren't even really friends anymore.

This. If your child wants a playdate, you invite the other child to your house, not the other way around. If you go along with it this time, it won't be the last time. I'd politely decline.

MichelleScarn · 17/11/2022 07:26

underneaththeash · 17/11/2022 07:20

I'd reply with " I'll double check with DD when she gets home, but yes, I'm sure she'd love to come round to yours. She's around next Monday, what time would you like me to pick her up?"

This is good! Make her actually say. 'No I want her at your house'!

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 07:27

If the ‘wee girl’ is struggling - invite friends over - don’t invite your child to someone’s house!

She’s not doing her child any favours, if what’s she seeking is friendship.

It reads far more likely that she’s a CF trying to
offload / get free childcare.

MGMidget · 17/11/2022 07:28

I would be taken aback at the mum proposing her daughter come to your house for a playdate. It just isnt done. If she wanted to encourage the friendship between her DD and yours she should have invited your DD to her house for a playdate!

I am wondering if her DD is desperate for playdates and the mum doesnt like hosting them? Her DD might have told the mum that she’d already discussed a playdate with your DD and her mum thought there was already an open invite to your house as her DD might have stretched the truth.

I cant see how her cheek could be justified otherwise!

Might your DD have had any discussions with her about playdates? It sounds like your DD isnt close friends with the other girl anymore but might there have been a discussion between them that DD didnt register/remember about a playdate at your house?

Even if there was you dont need to follow through. i would just say sorry, you are really busy at the moment cant host a playdate. Then wait and see if she invites your DD to their house.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 17/11/2022 07:32

This is so easy, you just say “would be nice yo get the girls together again some time, but we’re very busy this week. Will be in touch later” then never get in touch again

no drama, just push it down the line

RampantIvy · 17/11/2022 07:33

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/11/2022 01:45

She’s just being direct

If your dd wants to do it, say yes. If she doesn’t say you have a pretty full schedule and can’t fit in play dates right now, but your DD will look forward to seeing hers at school

Keep in mind her DD may be struggling socially, and that may be why she’s taking the initiative, so don’t be aggressive in your response - there is no need.

You are also overthinking all this, it’s not a big deal - don’t be one of those people whose always looking to be offended, it’s really tedious.

Exactly this ^^

DD is an only, so she was always very pleased if anyone wanted to come and play.

I'm one of the few mumsnetters that don't mind people inviting themselves round. I always make people feel welcome. It's nice to feel wanted.

If your DD wants this girl to come over then say yes. If she doesn't just say what @Luredbyapomegranate has written.

BTW, I don't think this mum has been rude, she has been more direct than you would like. Far too many mumsnetters are too easily offended.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 17/11/2022 07:33

I find this approach works with all pushy people, you agree but don’t commit

Pigsears · 17/11/2022 07:34

I'm with your DH on this one.

FlamencoDance · 17/11/2022 07:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

Yika · 17/11/2022 07:35

It’s rude, for sure.

if you replied directly what you thought about it, that would make you rude too (so I agree with your DH).

i would probably reply something along the lines of ‘nice to hear from you! Let me give the play date some thought.’ Then just give it a week or so to cool down and see if the two girls discuss something or call the mum and settle on something mutually agreeable like an hour after school or a meet at the park as suggested by a PP.

Wibbly1008 · 17/11/2022 07:35

No I wouldn’t like this. In fact I would ignore it altogether. She is looking for a free evening with you babysitting. The girls are not even close, so this is not a plan the kids have made. Say no, she is a cf.

you could reply…if you wanted… how about I drop dd at your and they get to play then? I bet she says no!

Workinghardeveryday · 17/11/2022 07:37

Definitely free childcare request.

so cheeky! If you agree it won’t be the last time she asks for sure

Janbohonut · 17/11/2022 07:39

It's a very rude message. If you want to organise playdates, you invite kids to yours, and hope for an invite back, you don't invite your kid to someone else's home. And you definitely don't suggest times.

I had a mum like this, always telling me that my child had been asking for hers to come over to my house.

At first I'd agree as I was a pushover but in retrospect I should have sent vague responses saying I'd get back to her, or yes my kid would be happy to go to hers. In the end I was incredibly blunt and rude and then blocked her as I got sick of her messages, and now we no longer speak.

This mother sounds similarly cheeky and pushy and if your daughter isn't bothered either way I would shut it down immediately with a non-committal, polite response (not that ridiculous passive aggressive one posted early pointing out that the kids aren't friends anymore, that was dire.)

LactoseTheIntolerant · 17/11/2022 07:39

I'm on the fence with this one. On the one hand her message was very presumptuous and would have irked me.
However if she doesn't have form for this and your dds are still in the same class/play together occasionally then I would probably just go ahead and do it, as other pps have said, maybe her dd is really struggling socially.
But ONLY if it weren't an inconvenience to me.
I often found hosting was easier then my child going elsewhere as I didn't have to go out with dc2 in the car to go and get them later, so when my dcs were primary age I did a lot of hosting and had to make peace with the fact that some people never invite back or use you a bit as free childcare. So long as my dc was happy then it didn't bother me.

nancydroo · 17/11/2022 07:40

Just say sorry it's not convenient but maybe after Christmas and then don't think about it anymore

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