To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

I agree with this.

I think I would go with, 'did you mean to send this to me? this is X' s mum'

It’s rude! I’d reply saying oh
“hi nice to hear from you it’s been ages! How are you! “
& “sorry we have a really full on schedule at the moment but I’ll look through the calander and see if there’s anything I can do! If so I’ll let you know x”

I would also be tempted to reply along the lines of “Sorry, we don’t have any days available for people to invite themselves round to our house.” but would curtail that impulse because your DH is right that that could just be causing issues and awkwardness for the girls.

But I don’t agree with your DH that she’s just being direct. The issue with the message isn’t simply that she’s asking outright, it’s that she’s asking for you to do the work. If there was a history of reciprocation that could just be being direct, but without it it’s chancing your arm. And declining isn’t being petty or punishing the girls if your DD isn’t really playing with the girl anymore and isn’t that bothered about the friendship.

Also, this sort of request may be the girl reaching out in friendship because she likes DD, but she could do that at school. It’s possible that she or her mother are using your DD and you (and I don’t mean the girl is being machiavellian, just that there’s something she likes about your house/wants company in the evenings/heard DD has X game/etc.). It’s not really in DD’s best interest to go along with that if they don’t really get along in school.

So I would be inclined to say something along the lines of “DD and [girl] aren’t really that close at school anymore. If that changes a play date might be a good idea. Let’s see how things go.”

Is her name Julia? 🤣

I have had this exact thing happen with the mum of one of DD’s school friends. They weren’t really very close friends, and eventually it turned out that the mum was sniffing around for some free childcare. I ended up saying something to the effect of, “The next few weeks are busy at home for us, so hosting a play date at ours might be hard, but if you want to host then let me know and we can try to arrange something.”

I think your husband is wrong. I'm a direct person. This is not direct. It's rude.

It would be quite easy to decline, to take offence at her rudeness and reply pointedly. I usually do that sort of thing.

I would like to be like my friend. She would willingly (though surprised) arrange the play date. It would not become a routine or habit unless very successful and she's not a pushover. She is kind, caring and gives people the benefit of the doubt.

It is a rude text, especially as she never invites back. If her rd wants to play with yours she should be the host.

But I would reply: "Hi, hope you're well. Sorry, we can't to any days atm."

I think if your DD is okay with it, and there's no skin off your nose, why not invite her over? Maybe the mum is looking for childcare one afternoon - so what? It could be you someday! If the girls have a good time, great- if not, then you don't need to repeat it. The text was borderline abrupt but certainly not remarkably so.

What a cruel reply.

Not every message needs a reply.

I would discus with your child about this child’s friendships and if she has good friends at school is have far less sympathy to this CF than if her daughter does not.

I'm a direct person. This is not direct. It's rude.

My sentiments exactly! I think I’d reply “Hello Mum name - not heard from you for ages! Really busy over the next few weeks, but that’s something I’ll look into and come back to you.” That’s also pretty direct, but on the right side (I think) of staying polite and reasonably cordial.

Her message was certainly direct and cheeky - particularly as you have a history of hosting her DD for playdates and your daughter never getting invited back.

How I reply depends on what your daughter is comfortable with - if she is happy to go to this friend's house then I would bounce it back like SerenaTee's suggestion:

“We’re not hosting play dates at the moment but DD is happy to come to yours, let me know what day suits. Can’t do Monday because of dancing”

If your daughter is only ok with this playdate being hosted at your house (so doesn't want to go to this girl's house) I would just say I had too much on at the moment to fit in playdates or similar (in a nice way).

As your daughter's reaction was pretty lukewarm to this mum's suggestion I definitely wouldn't be offering it - at a push I might relent a reduced time (so just an hour or so after school - not the full deal with dinner) but would be concerned her CFery would mean not being able to pick up on time for some reason...

Start with the usual niceties. Hi, how are you sort of thing and then sorry we are quite busy atm. If things change I will let you know.

When you see tying this, did your brain really tell you it made sense and was worthy of posting?

I just read it as her daughter had suggested she had been invited and had nagged her mum to contact you. Would be very normal if so, and no need to take offence or make an issue of it.

You know the threads about children (with or without SEN) who don't have many friends for no particular reason? And how everyone jumps over themselves to say how awful it is that some children get left out?

The other DD is keen (or the Mum is) and your DD doesn't mind.

What's the worst that can happen if you invite her over?

Could "yours" be a typo/autocorrect for "ours" and it was actually an invite?! Otherwise yes, a bit rude!

Maybe the mum is looking for childcare one afternoon - so what? It could be you someday!

So what? Have you not read the myriad threads on here about the almost professional CFs who prey on others for “favours”? I’m put in mind of that Workzilla thread from a few years ago, where a random mother was demanding that the OP have her son every day in the school summer holidays as she’d booked a Disney trip in October and “had to work”. If OP thinks this mother is at the free childcare game, she should absolutely run a mile - this woman clearly has some brass neck. (The other thing that you learn from these threads is that the favour is very rarely, if ever, reciprocated. This is also true in my own experience!)

The girl just wants to be friends with your daughter and her mum thought she knew you well enough to ask.

This is good as could quickly work out if its a playdate or childcare wanted! Cynically I agree it sounds like a round Robin and AFC is in place for Tues!

Hi OP, we've had quite a bit of unreciprocated playing at our place over the years.

If DS is keen, I just go with it - they're kids, I'm happy for them to be playing.

If DS is neutral/not super keen, my tactic is to say: "Great idea to get the kids together! Weather looks good on XX - shall we meet at the park?"

Reasons: 1) not being a bitch/ignoring; 2) if other mum has concerns about their DC friendships, you are still being helpful/supportive; 3) not being used as free childcare by a CF.

Worth a go?

And this illustrates the difference, other mum has taken a direct approach whilst you waffle!

Neither are wrong, just different

The girl just wants to be friends with your daughter and her mum thought she knew you well enough to ask.

Why didn’t she ask OP’s DD if she’d like to come to their house then? That would be the normal, socially acceptable thing to do.