To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

For those saying that maybe she's trying to help her DD make friends, durely she would do the inviting herself? She's specifically asking for her DD to go to OPs. The only person benefitting from that is her.

Sometimes my youngest used to ask if he could go to some specific child's house instead of saying he'd like to play with that child/ invite them here. This generally meant they had something we don't (a pool, a massive trampoline, unlimited sweets or playstation time, or even in one case a specific very friendly little dog...) which he wanted to play with, not that he actually wanted specifically to play with that child.

He had a friend who only ever wanted to come here and it was the same - no games consoles at that child's and all he wanted to do here was play Minecraft; when told it was time to play outside he'd want to go home.

I always told my children that they invite the child here first and hope to be invited back next time as that's the game people play - inviting yourself is rude. That usually weeds out "want to play with X's stuff" from " want to play with X".

It might not be the mum being rude/ demanding exactly but rather her being weak and doing exactly as asked by her 9 year old and failing to do the"teachable moment " / that's not how it works lesson part of parenting. Or the mother lacks social skills herself and thinks this is fine, or she's actually asking you to babysit and not being direct at all of course!

Anyway it's fine to say no politely as your DD isn't bothered either way. Just say you're busy, don't promise a later invite when you do.

Save hosting for children your child actually wants to play with - if they're not really interested in playing together hosting is harder work especially if you don't let the visiting child spend the entire time on whatever console game you have and she doesn't...

I agree with this.

she’s worded it in such a way that it’s a done deal. Not even “if that’s ok let me know what day is good for you”

It is rude to invite your child to another person’s home and she’s also assuming you are ok with playdates after school when you may not want them. If your DD definately doesn’t want the playdate, I would say you are very busy at the moment and not doing after school playdates. I would leave it on a polite note with something like ‘perhaps we can get arrange something for the holidays’.

The first thing I thought having read the message that was sent was that the mother is asking (bluntly I might add) for after school care.

I would either go with "Oh sorry, Tuesday is the only day that works for us" (make sure you say the day of the week in singular form not "Tuesdays" as that's saying every Tuesday, or I'd go with something equally direct and blunt.

You could go with "New phone - who is this"

But I wouldn't be trying to analyse the message or what might be behind it (as in what's going on in their home). Take it at face value. Decide how to reply accordingly.

Out of interest OP - is that the text word for word?

Where there any niceties at all, along the lines of, ‘hope your week’s going well’, ‘hope you’re all well’, anything like that?!

Because if so, I’d be marginally warmer to her.

As it is, the text as you wrote it, is so transactional - ‘here’s how you can help me, and can you come back to me quickly, please’.

So, so rude.

It’s not mean at all to question the motives of the note. Given that the other parent seems to be a bit of a chancer and has made an awkward request I can see why OP is asking for advice.
Invites go out first, then the others reciprocate and so it goes. I do also feel other parent is perhaps looking for some free after school care and I 100% agree that unless OP’s DD has instigated the play date I wouldn’t treat it as serious.

I absolute hate this, it’s so rude to just invite yourself somewhere. It’s not even inviting yourself to somewhere public or a mutual place it’s inviting yourself into someone’s home!

I have had a couple of kids do this. One child would repeatedly ask me “when can I come to your house” in front of his parents and despite my repeated and obvious attempts to politely declined he would not stop and it annoyed me that they didn’t intervene.

Ive nipped it in the bud now and been very clear that if SHE wants a play date/sleepover etc then she can ask and we will discuss it and arrange, but if another child asks me directly then the answer will also be no. I do this because my DD is very much a people pleaser and unfortunately does lots of things for other people that she reallly doesn’t want to.

i agree there could be lots of reasons behind the very badly worded text. Perhaps her daughter is struggling with friends at the moment so her mum is trying to rekindle ok d friendships. I would message back saying DD hasn’t mentioned anything about a play date so you will speak to DD and let her know if it’s something she wants to arrange.

See, the niceties would irritate me more because they're fake. The mom doesn't care how OP is or how her weeks been. It annoys me when people start conversations like that just to then ask a favour.

OP I'd let the girl come round. Maybe she misses your DD.

Call her don't send a message.

If the kids aren't close anymore why does her daughter want to come round? Doesn't she have any friends? I'd ask your DD a few more questions before responding.

BTW your DH is correct, she's being direct cos her DD has said she wants to visit your DD. Maybe she assumed the girls had discussed it already.

Just because you don't talk anymore doesn't mean you can't talk now. Imo yabu for thinking this.

My first thought was that she needs childcare for a few hours after school. You mention that you’ve had the girl round in the past, years ago, and never got a play date in return- that’s not going to change. I think just say you’ve too much on to fit in play dates right now, though would be happy for your DD to go to hers if her DD is keen- can pretty much guarantee that’s the last you’ll hear anything from her.

LOVE this!!

If your daughter wants to go to hers that is!

This message could have gone to a dozen people. Mum is trying to fix her childcare for a week, and some sucker has signed up to Tuesday already.

what’s wrong with the MN old adage of “sorry, that doesn’t work for me”.

Tell her you can't host at the moment, ( building work... wfh whatever) but dd would love a play date, let me know when suits.

Rosegold.. crossed post

Yeah, that message is really rude. You always invite a child to your own house first, so the other mum needs to ask if the OP’s dd would like to come to hers. Or if circumstances make that difficult, the other mum suggests a joint meet-up at the park or something. I think the mum is looking for childcare -in which case it would be better if she just asked outright for a one-off favour/help, and most people would oblige, even if the girls aren’t great friends.

I think it's really rude, she's not just asking she's telling you...... you haven't even said yes and she's asking you what day she can come! That is so rude! if my child was asking me if she could go to a friends house I'd tell them no because they haven't been invited but we'd ask that friend to our house instead.
To be honest even if your daughter really wanted her to come round (which she doesn't) id be so annoyed about the text id text her back and say you've got a lot on over the next few weeks but when things quieten down you'll let her know.

I'm surprised by some of the responses on here - she's being a massive CF and her text would've annoyed me too.

Pretend you've misunderstood, 'that sounds great, DD is really looking forward to it - let me know what day/time and I'll drop her off at yours'.

and some sucker has signed up to Tuesday already.

🤣

The message wasn’t well worded by the Mum but kids often make plans together at school. Her daughter may have said to the Mum that it’s all agreed etc.
I wouldn’t worry at all and would just arrange the play date, if my daughter wanted that.
I wouldn’t overthink this, it’s not needed.

But the daughter doesn’t. The daughter is completely surprised by it. She’s just said that she’s ok with the girl coming round if she really wants.

So petty to even care. What does your DD want? Do that.

I would reply, 'due to other commitments, Tuesday's are the only day that works for us, such a shame' 😆

This!

It’s possible the kids have been discussing it, but no I personally wouldn’t send a message like that to someone, I’d wait for my DD to be invited