To think I wasn’t rude to colleague?

[hellohelloisityou]

Our office day is today and this was the first time she’d been in since solo travelling around India.

I asked how it went, did she enjoy it. Then I said did you get lonely?

She pretty much snapped back that you wouldn’t ask a couple if they’d argued whilst on holiday so why am I jumping to the negative

I apologised but felt very awkward tension afterwards

It’s a bit of a weird question to ask straight away.

Maybe she did and is getting defensive. Maybe she only wanted to talk about what a great time she had.

I’d tell her you’d love to hear about her trip over a coffee/lunch break and just listen.

I think it's a fair question based on being curious about the solo experience... I think they did feel lonely and it was a sore point but doesn't warrant their reaction. I don't think you were being rude just curious.

I’m afraid you were a bit insensitive.

Would you ask someone in a couple if they got sick of each other on holiday?

I admire her for her quick riposte 🤣

It's a very personal question to ask. It would be like asking a couple that had gone traveling together 'did you get fed up being in your husband/wife's company all the time'.

What was her response to your earlier question about whether she enjoyed the trip?

Ooh, it was a bit negative and probably don't make her feel very good about herself.

You could have gone with a 'what a fantastic thing to do, solo travelling' comment instead of making a negative comment...

I wouldn’t like being asked that question either. Intrusive.

Your colleague has a point.

I don’t think it was rude exactly… and she overreacted.

But it does betray a certain set of underlying assumptions about single people and people who prefer to do things alone which people make and which can be irritating.

I have spent long periods of my life happily single (though I am not now), and in many respects I feel this is my “natural” state. I have also travelled solo a fair bit and find it very rewarding. I have never felt “lonely” because I am not part of a couple, and actually the most lonely I have ever felt was in a marriage.

She may, like me, inwardly despair at the constant massive weight of expectation on people to be coupled up and the assumption that there is something missing from their lives if they are alone for any length of time.

It was a strange question to ask though, straight to the negative, could seem to her like you were trying to knock the wind out of her sails a bit.

It’s a bit tactless really.
Did you want her to say yes or no? It’s just a weird question particularly as she well could have gone alone and it wasn’t her choice.

What’s she supposed to say in response to that question?

‘No’, and then feel inadequate and/or judged for going alone.

‘Yes’ and have you feel sorry for her. And then feel inadequate and/or judged for going alone.

I mean, either answer to the question isn’t going to make her feel good about something she was presumably looking forward to, and possibly even really enjoyed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d not appreciate that as a question if I’d traveled alone.

As rightly pointed out, you’d not ask a couple how many times they argued or shagged!

A bit insensitive op, sorry.

im unsure why you thought it ok to ask a singleton such a direct question. Yabu.

Of all the questions you could ask about a trip to India it is a bit of an odd choice and maybe loaded with your own hang ups about travelling solo? You could have said something much more positive about travelling alone, if you felt the need to mention it at all.

I didn’t want any particular answer. I’ve never solo travelled because I guess I’d be worried about being lonely.

It wouldn’t have bothered me at all. I think she’s over sensitive. I’d have just said, ‘’Yeah, it was at times.’’ or ‘’No, not really.’’ Simple!

I don't think you were rude but it is a bit of a strange question to ask. I used to do a lot of solo travel and if someone had asked me that I'd have just said "no not really" and changed the subject.

We lost my Dad last year and if my Mum was asked that question she would be so upset. On the other hand, a colleague chose to do similar and left her husband at home and wouldn't have been offended at that question. It's all about the circumstances, and I think unless you are very close and comfortable with someone then you never know their circumstances or reasons for doing things.

That. I'm widowed and travel solo a lot and I get SO fed up of people saying "don't you get lonely?" when I tell them my plans or when I return from a trip.

I'm sat in my house on my own every day, the clocks have gone back and evenings are long and dark. Now THAT'S when it's lonely. Travel is stimulating and full of people (usually really friendly and hospitable ones, because it's not the UK), so no, I'm not lonely.'

But basically people all the question in a way that implies that they think I'm weird, so it pisses me off. I wish I was plain speaking enough to react like your colleague.

You were slightly tactless and she was a bit over sensitive. Just take it as a learning curve. It's generally better to frame questions in a positive way, especially if it's people you don't know that well.

I get the sense she’s had that response up her sleeve for a while, in anticipation of people asking such a question.

I don’t think it’s rude to ask, and I dont think it’s trying to put a negative spin. “Oh how lovely that sounds” is small talk. Asking about whether solo travel gets lonely sounds more like taking an interest in her experience. It’s not like you accused her of being a loner or a billy no mates - you were asking specifically about the unique experience of solo travel. She shouldn’t have snapped at you, that was rude.

This!

A good response from her. I wouldn't dream of asking either so voted YABU.

It wouldn’t have bothered me either but given half the responses on this thread say it would have bothered them, it is a good lesson. Maybe just asking what it’s like travelling solo might have been a better way of asking something similar.

That's really rude