To think I wasn’t rude to colleague?

[hellohelloisityou]

Our office day is today and this was the first time she’d been in since solo travelling around India.

I asked how it went, did she enjoy it. Then I said did you get lonely?

She pretty much snapped back that you wouldn’t ask a couple if they’d argued whilst on holiday so why am I jumping to the negative

I apologised but felt very awkward tension afterwards

Just wanted to point out she’s not widowed. Not saying this to help my case but to give content of why I didn’t think it was rude/weird to ask

Yes that's a better way of asking if your interested in giving it a go yourself OP say you're thinking of doing similar how did she find it. You've gone in with a default negative trying to rain on her holiday. Pretty shitty thing to do.

I don’t think you were unreasonable - I struggle with making conversation and have asked much weirder questions! Don’t worry 💐

But I’m not interested in giving it go though

It was an extremely insensitive question.

Well aren't you smug lucky that you don't need to . I'd guess that's how you came across.

why does someone have to be widowed for it to be a sensitive question? Maybe they have had a non-marital break up, or have been long term single, or a friend has just ditched them.

Indeed. Or maybe they are just tired of people insisting that you are only a real person if you are part of a couple.

Wouldn't have bothered me at all. In my 20's and early 30's I traveled solo all the time (and no, I was never lonely!). Had you asked a certain friend of mine that question though, I know she would have snapped. She hated being single, and took every small comment as a slight on this. I would imagine there's more to her response than you know.

I don't think it's necessarily rude, but it is a bit insensitive.

Well I guess it depends, I actually would ask a friend if they were off for months long holiday with their partner if they got sick of each other at times, and if they were lonely if they went alone. Would I ask a colleague? Probably not

I didn’t want any particular answer. I’ve never solo travelled because I guess I’d be worried about being lonely

Thing is, OP, you don't solo travel if that's a major worry (or I don't). Your colleague went on a major trip to a country she looked forward to visiting, and I can guarantee that prior to the trip she'll have heard variations on

• won't you be scared, travelling alone?
• won't you be lonely?
• don't you have anyone to go with? (especially lethal, as it implies you're a Billy No-Mates)
• oooh, I couldn't do that (lucky it's me doing that, then, and not you)
• what are you doing to do in the evenings?
• won't your family worry?

It is utterly dispiriting, trust me. Then she comes back, full of what she's done and seen, and she gets asked if she was lonely.

Why didn't you just say what you really think?

"Obviously anyone who travels alone is a loser, you must have hated every minute of it"

Yes, it's rude to assume that someone travelling alone, eating alone, going to the cinema alone, going shopping alone etc is only doing so because they have no option as no-one likes them enough to accompany them.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

Totally. The caution and the lack of imagination is so depressing.

When people asked me this sort of thing I used to feel like saying; “Don’t make it my problem you have no courage and want to live your life in a safe box all the time.”

Urgh.

I guess it doesn’t. But I think there’s a difference if you always went away with your partner to then going on your own because you’re widowed. I wouldn’t ask if it was lonely because that would be referencing the fact they lost their partner in a potentially cruel way.

You got a fair response to the comment you made. Your rudeness levels were pretty much the same, except you started it.

I even had it when I went to visit family in Oz and stay in an apartment for a week, and all I had to do was get on the right plane, never mind get myself safely round India.

THIS! Every time I’ve travelled alone I’ve had these responses and it’s so, so draining.

So there we come to the nub of it.

You were - consciously or subconsciously - making a judgment about what she’d done.

But I get the sense you don’t believe what you said was in any rude, and she was the one being unreasonable, creating the atmosphere.

Exactly this

This completely. Added to that the constant questions about how SCARY the rest of the world is. I'm from South London, nowhere is scary.

I really don't think it is. The OP clearly thinks there's something wrong / unacceptable about travelling alone - as a woman, questionable whether she's have asked the same of a man - for that to be one of the first things she asked. The implication is very strongly that the traveller would not have chosen to go alone if they had another "better" choice.

If the traveller is travelling because they have no-one else to go with, then stating that they must have been lonely is not likely to make them feel better about themselves.

If they are choosing to travel alone then it's just rude because it's patronising.

Single people are, in fact, allowed to go on holiday and have a nice time. I am very sorry that others disagree and think single people ought to accept the stigma and shame of not having a partner to go on holiday with.

I used to love going on holiday alone. I would sometimes head off for a city break alone for a weekend, or go for a week in the sun alone. Get to see the sights, linger in museums others would find dull, eat good food. Sometimes even just get in the car and drive for a few hours to a hotel somewhere here and stay a night or two just to spa and chill alone.

The question, 'weren't you lonely?' or 'That sounds lonely, no?" Always bugged me. There is an assumption implied in the question that there is something wrong with being single, that a single person would feel lonely or less fulfilled being on holiday compared to if they went with someone else. Like, I have just had a great experience, eaten lovely new foods, seen new things, maybe met interesting people...and you ask if I was lonely rather than about any of the other 100 things I saw, did and experienced? That's like asking if the holiday was shit because if you were lonely then you mustn't have been enjoying it or had enough to do/see etc.

I probably would have laughed and blown you off your question with how much I had enjoyed my holiday by myself without anyone else to please but myself. I think maybe snapping at you was a bit harsh but I can understand your colleagues position, maybe she has been asked once too often.

You have put me in the mood for a little holiday for one...now, how to tell the OH without them wanting to come...hmm.