To think I wasn’t rude to colleague?

[hellohelloisityou]

Our office day is today and this was the first time she’d been in since solo travelling around India.

I asked how it went, did she enjoy it. Then I said did you get lonely?

She pretty much snapped back that you wouldn’t ask a couple if they’d argued whilst on holiday so why am I jumping to the negative

I apologised but felt very awkward tension afterwards

I think it was rude. You basically asked if she got fed up being on her own all the time.

You're probably the 10th person that has asked that question.

I travelled for 5 weeks solo in September/October
on my return meeting up with several friends they asked me did I get lonely, they said things like aren't you brave travelling solo

No I didn't get lonely and no Im not brave I just went travelling, like thousands and thousands of solo travellers do every day.

She over reacted, it's a simple question, she could have just said no she didn't.
Slightly odd question to ask but not offensive x

But she didn't, that's the point. She asked a negative question with implications behind it and her colleague shut her down and quite rightly so.

OP didn't think she was being rude, it has now been pointed out to her why that question was unsupportive and negative so she will not make the same mistake again hopefully.

Yabu.

It wasn’t intentional but it was a weird question to ask.

I solo travel and am a married woman with children. I love to do so. Apart from my mother, no one has asked me if I had been lonely and even her questions were more about my safety travelling alone.

It has never crossed my mind to ask someone if they got lonely on their holiday. It is a weird question, regardless. Hate to use the phrase “Would you have asked a male that” but it is warranted.

I don’t think you were rude, OP, and I definitely don’t agree with all the people saying you need to ask why your small talk is so negative — based on one example (which I don’t think is particularly negative anyway; and it’s not as though you led with it). I do think you touched a nerve though — either because your colleague did get lonely or (more likely) because you were the hundredth person to ask her that question. I also think it’s a question that’s probably more personal than it might seem on the surface, but that’s very easy to say in retrospect. I really wouldn’t beat yourself up over it though. (Easier said than done, I know!)

The colleague just had to say 'No, I didn't.' End of. That's the point I'm making. It might have been a daft question but barking at someone for it is an overreaction and unnecessary.

@ivykaty44 I think people tell you you're brave for going off on adventure because they don't have the guts themselves. At least, that's why I would call you brave.

Closest male friends. People you know beyond a surface level are different imo.

Someone you work with that you’re making small talk with, no.

If the colleague only had to say yes/no, then it’s shit small talk anyway because it’s a closed question.

Very rude. When I was single I used to travel solo a lot and I was asked if I got lonely several times, usually from someone married with a cocked-head, pitying expression. Actually I did get lonely sometimes, and I would have loved to have shared that time with a partner or friend but at the time I didn’t have either so my options were to go alone or miss out. I didn’t need someone rubbing in my face that I didn’t have anyone to go with. You should apologise for your insensitive comment.

How the HELL was it insensitive?!?! 🙄

The snowflakes are out in force at the moment

@hellohelloisityou Just ignore the perma-offended, it was a perfectly acceptable question. I'd have answered it honestly and it wouldn't have even registered with me as negative never mind rude?! It's a natural thing to wonder about travelling alone. Especially if it's something you've considered doing yourself but had this very concern.
Your colleague sounds moody and is perhaps sulking because she's back!

That's totally different and you know it!

🤣🤣🤣🤣 As if! Perfectly natural thing to ask.

With respect, you need to get out more. Bullet points?!

If you’re a fun sponge, sure.

There are so many questions you can ask someone who's been on holiday that are actually positive and interesting. What was the best thing you saw? What food did you have? Jumping straight to the cocked-head faux-concern of "but weren't you lonely" is both negative and judgmental - it implies that they're breaking some sort of social norm that they shouldn't have. It implies that the only normal way to go on holiday is with other people. Which in turn implies that if you're single and don't necessarily have a partner or family to holiday with, you're abnormal. Or if you do have those things and actually enjoy solo travel, you're a weirdo. Essentially, the connotations of that question are: is something wrong with you? It's not nice.

And yes, she's probably been asked that 100 times and she snapped with a very reasonable riposte.

Crank 🤣

Of course it's totally different which is why I gave 2 examples. 1 where I can see why someone would be offended and 1 where they wouldn't. Some bad cranks on here 🤣

Quite intrusive I think

Out of curiosity but have you ever solo travelled?

Of all the questions you could have asked, you chose that one !
It's natural to feel inquisitive about the experiences of others when we haven't experienced that particular thing. But it's a daft question to ask because if she does or doesn't feel lonely travelling solo is 100% down to her - it wouldn't have any effect on whether you would feel lonely travelling solo.
Next time, ask about the culture, trips, the weather!

Not a negative qustion at all. Loneliness is an emotion that every single human feels at some point, it is universal, there is no judgement about it.

I have done a lot of solo travel and still do quite a bit and of course I feel lonely sometimes. Especially in places where the culture's very different. And many cultures don't react well to solo women in restaurants and things. Including in parts of India. That doesn't mean I don't have a great time. No big deal.

With respect, you need to get out more. Bullet points?!

ODFOD. Post MN's formatting rules before you shove off, though.