To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

[Hellother111111]

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

Pope Francis isn’t ‘fluffy’ and it’s because of Christian views like these that 52% of the population in the U.K. identity as having ‘no religion’

Here’s a link for you
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion_in_the_United_Kingdom

I'm Catholic, we don't believe in IVF.

You don't believe in something that physically, demonstrably, tangibly exists? Because I can assure you that IVF is evidenced and real.

Transsubstantiation on the other hand ...

Enjoy your pregnancy - I think you are amazing! As a 45 year old TTC I find the comments from OP really off too. I lost my DM when I was 24 and she was really young when she died - people die of all ages and my DB died when he was 27 - was he wrong to have had children?? It is the amount of love that someone has for a baby not how old they are when they become parents!

Nope definitely inot fluffy. His views on people who choose to remain childless are well known. Even though not having children is part of his job description.

she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby.

Yanbu
I have very little sympathy for her in this situation that she's trying to prevent younger Dsis from even having one baby.

Usually I'm very sympathetic as (when you're broody you're broody) and older sister doesn't feel her family is complete yet/ wants another baby but it would be her fourth, this would be Dhalfsis's first. Their situations don't compare in the slightest.

Oh don't be silly. You understand the context in which she said this. i.e: I don't 'believe' or agree with it.

I know people love to hate on Christians on Mumsnet whilst hypocritically leaving other religions aside, and it's good to be critical of belief systems in a democracy, but at least do so with sincerity.

We won't know reliable figures for people's religious beliefs until the 2021 census results on this are published later this month

Thank you. Best wishes in ttc. It is so hard emotionally when things are not happening. If it is any help, my granny had her last baby at 49. A wee surprise. It is definitely the amount of love that someone has and a child of an older parent who has struggled with fertility is going to be flooded with love.

Np, I would have disliked it as a general comment and would have pointed out the insensitivity, but if it were not directly aimed at me, I would have realised that people do not think of every scenario when they post here and would been politer.

But there is also something called chances and probability. Using statistical outliers to make a point doesn’t really work. It’s true that none of us know what is round the corner but your experience is sadly not common.

Sad and not common, that was supposed to say.

I completely agree. And thank you xx

Most UK Fertility clinics have an age limit of 42 for IVF. So OP's older sister is around the maximum age of assistance with fertility.
The risks increase dramatically after the age of 40 for the pregnant woman as well as increase of chromosomal abnormalities due to poor egg quality.
As someone who went through IVF at 29 it's awful.

Is she desperate for a boy/girl?

I always feel sorry for the child born for this reason whether of the "right" sex, or the "wrong" one. Desperate for a first child: understandable. Desperate for another child of a particular sex, as in actually desperate rather than having a bit of a preference, not reasonable, and best not articulated so everyone will know this about the child, even if you do feel that way.

Coming back to the original point, OP YWDNBU.

I know people love to hate on Christians on Mumsnet whilst hypocritically leaving other religions aside

Eh? Islam gets loads of criticism on MN. So does Judaism, albeit to a lesser extent.

‘Most UK Fertility clinics have an age limit of 42 for IVF. So OP's older sister is around the maximum age of assistance with fertility.’

By donor eggs &/or donor sperm, & other assistive techniques, the upper age limit for IVF at UK Fertility clinics may be extended. Success is not guaranteed.

I know people love to hate on

I can't even be arsed to engage with people who write in such an assinine way as this.

Yes they're going to be interesting. (I'd have preferred a two-part question myself about whether one has held a religious belief and whether one still does now.)

Of course 'I can't even be arsed..' is so refined.

Don't be arsed. Your original post was already arsey enough.

@UniversalAunt nobody has mentioned them wanting to use donor sperm or eggs. That's a completely different subject. Due many different reasons.

@Chasingclouds100
Enjoy your pregnancy - I think you are amazing! As a 45 year old TTC I find the comments from OP really off too. I lost my DM when I was 24 and she was really young when she died - people die of all ages and my DB died when he was 27 - was he wrong to have had children?? It is the amount of love that someone has for a baby not how old they are when they become parents!

I don't think anyone is saying in your position that it's UR to want another baby. Or to take steps to have another baby. It's very sad bc babies / children are lovely and it must be hard for anyone unable to conceive

I think what OP was saying is that her sister with 3 DCs already is actually trying to prevent her younger Dhalfsis from having fertility treatment even for her first baby. And that is rather unfair and UR

It's a separate issue that older Dsis also wants another baby with 3 DCs already. All alive. No one can predict what will happen in the future ofc

It would also be a very different situation if she were in your position which is incredibly sad and upsetting. I don't think there is anything any of is can say about the loss you live with. I wish you all the best luck in ttc

I'm so sorry I misread DM as DD in previous post!! And completely missed that it was about ages parents night live to.
Forget I says anything...! Eeek

There is no upper age limit for ivf. Where there is an age limit it is for 1st time mums seeking Nhs treatment.

I had both primary and secondary. I found them both to be as hard as each other. The waiting each month after month to get nowhere, the people asking if you are having another, the wanting is the same. It’s all the same. The need is the same. Yes second time around I already had a child but they didn’t replace the one I wanted to complete my family. My eldest was in school when she finally got her sister. They’ve never been close as there’s too big a gap between them. Not what I planned but I was lucky to eventually get number two.
It hurt both times. I was upset seeing pregnant women both times. It was exactly the same to me. My level of upset was the same.
Now my eldest is having ivf and her younger sister has just announced her pregnancy. It’s not gone down well. I get where she’s coming from but her sister can’t put her life on hold. It’s unfortunate but I hope she soon has news of her own. Unfortunately the way she has responded to other pregnant people in the family with her remarks or just not talking to them for months while they were pregnant, I don’t think she’s going to get many congratulations off of everyone if the ivf succeeds. She’s been quite hurtful to them. When I couldn’t get pregnant either time, I just had to keep my hurt and comments to myself so as not to ruin other people’s memories of their announcements. You can express that hurt to someone else, a friend, family member that is pregnant, counsellor, but my eldest shouldn’t have expressed it to her sisters when they made their announcements. (I got pregnant unplanned but welcome years later in my 30’s with boy and girl twins then had the menopause straight after at 34, hence I have three girls and a boy. That doesn’t take away the pain I felt conceiving my first two.)