To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

[Hellother111111]

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

Soooo ...reading between the lines and I’m not defending your older sister but it seems to me like there is something more going on with her - do you think she may have had losses whilst trying for another little one? Maybe she needs a bit of support with her journey? It’s tricky I know, it’s a shame you are stuck in the middle a bit. I hope all sorts itself out

you are being unreasonable in telling your older sister that she's not suffering from infertility...secondary infertility is a real thing and is shit

I know it is but at 42 I’d of thought it was just normal ageing and not secondary infertility

How am I? No one in my family knows about any of this except my Dad and older sister and neither are on this site.

I'd have had to have been caught in a very tactful mood not to say exactly the same, OP!

It took me 7 years to have my 1st. I had years of fertility treatment. I spent 40k. She was my last frozen embryo. I had her at 40. My 2nd was born 15month later without any fertility treatment. I was 42. I wouldn't wish my journey on my worst enemy. Primary fertility is devastating. IVF is traumatic and an extremely hard process emotionally. Your older sister may well be sad about struggling for a 4th but it's incomparable.

Your older sister resents her half-sister and it's coming out via the IVF that your collective father has paid for.

She sounds jealous of your younger half sister. Has she always been that way? Makes sense, as the older child she would have felt your dad having a new family more keenly. I appreciate she might be finding it difficult as it's taking longer to conceive a 4th child and might not happen but she does have 3 children. That's 3 more than your younger sister. She should put her hurt aside but it sounds like she won't. She probably expected you to be on her side.

about done well to call her out on her behaviour. I'd leave it at that.

We are literally only getting 'one view' on every single post on here. By your logic, if we aren't in a position to comment on this, we aren't in a position to comment on any thread.

I'm sure the sisters would be horrified to read it. Her older sister would be hopefully be horrified realise how truly mean she has been. Her younger sister would no doubt be horrified to know she has a nasty, selfish, narcissist for a sister.

When I had secondary infertility the one thing that kept me going was being able to enjoy my existing child. It’s sad when people can’t have the children they imagined but she does sound selfish, 3 children and she can’t imagine the pain and suffering her sister is experiencing.

If your older Dsis really does want a fourth then she may well be a bit sore about it and lost perspective so I’d try to smooth things over but firmly say I supported your dad helping your younger Dsis.

I’d also be saying that to your dad in case she is needling him too.

Your older sister needs to get a grip. She is blessed to have three children, some people can't even have one! Obviously she is jealous of younger sister because Dad is paying for her to have IVF (which may not work, it frequently doesn't).

It is a pity that people were told about what is essentially a private matter but what's done is done.

Refuse to discuss this with older sister any more, tell her to stop being so resentful and to count her blessings.

HNRTT but suppose you'd agreed with her for an easy life and to be supportive and she'd used your agreement to convince your DF not to pay for your younger DSis's IVF because it 'wasn't fair'. Your younger sister potentially doesn't have anay children because of your older sisters' lack of perspective or vindictiveness?

Your older sister sounds incredibly self involved, shamefully tone deaf and like a massive attention seeker. You are definitely not being unreasonable, she is being ridiculous and doesn’t sound like a nice person at all.

Your older sister sounds utterly jealous of your younger sister. Sounds like she wants a fourth baby to somehow suggest she’s struggling to conceive too. But as you said struggling at 30 to fall pregnant is very different to a 42 year old mother of 3. She’s sounds ridiculous. She would have been about 12 when your Dad had your younger sister, had always been resentful of her?

3 children and aged 42 is not secondary infertility it's her fertility naturally declining as she gets older. She sounds like an awful woman.

I am pregnant and 42. Why would she not want a baby at 42? She is being unfair trying to scupper her younger sister's attempts given that she has 3 kids, but there is nothing outrageous about a 42 year old wanting a baby.

I always feel very uncomfortable when people compare secondary infertility to primary infertility. They're not even in the same league.

I agree. I can’t imagine thinking the two are the same, it’s completely bonkers. Our first was conceived very easily and the second took a really long time, and that was after an ectopic. It was a really tough time, but I remember thinking how much more difficult it would have been to go through it had I not already had a DC. At least I knew I had one, and that I already was a mum. The uncertainty of whether you will actually ever be a parent when that is what you’re set on and are hoping for must be awful. I don’t know how far up your own arse your head must be to have the attitude of the OP’s older sister. The difficulty that the younger sister is going to is just not comparable to hers at all. It’s mind boggling.

It is a pity that people were told about what is essentially a private matter but what's done is done.

Is this a joke?! This entire site is threads about peoples children, in laws, husbands, family members. I haven’t “told anyone” this is an anonymous forum.

@FortSalem86 Secondary infertility is infertility when you already have a child or children, not specifically for a second child & technically she is suffering from infertility as she's been trying for over a year. She is still being unreasonable though regardless

We are literally only getting 'one view' on every single post on here. By your logic, if we aren't in a position to comment on this, we aren't in a position to comment on any thread.

Oh I comment on plenty. I was just taken aback by all the very definite “your sister IS….” “She IS a cunt” type posts. All seemed incredibly certain rather than “it sounds like…”.

Maybe the idea of the family all being in the site was also giving me second hand shudders but OP has qualified that now.

I've also had both and agree that they're definitely not in the same league. After years of treatments we were lucky enough to have 2 healthy pregnancies and children, both by IVF, in my mid-thirties. To be honest, the second time I was fuelled as much by the desire to give our first child a sibling. If it hadn't happened that would have been hard, but NOTHING like the dark chasm of childlessness (for me, I obviously know others who are perfectly happy without children).
I'd have loved a third but we had already decided not to put my body through any more treatments and it didn't happen by itself. Yes, that's something I've had to grieve, but the joy of having two healthy "children" (now older teens) definitely took the sting out of it.
Oh, and at 42, with 3 children, your sister isn't "infertile" after trying for a year - that's totally normal at that age even without any issues. I bet she'll be pregnant within another year!

All the best for your younger sister. Has she managed to access any free treatment on the NHS as well, to help the finding stretch further? Was always greatful of my one free ivf cycle, even though it was unsuccessful.

At age 42, I am sure your sister could go to her Gp and tell them how long she has been trying for number 4 and ask if they think she is infertile?

I was told, age 40, that my chances of a successful ivf cycle with my own eggs was around 10-15%, but donor eggs are a long waiting list and much more expensive of one things that is the route for them. Perhaps by the time your sister has been to the Gp, had any nhs tests she can get, founder her own tests, worked out if own egg ivf was viable it might make her realise if she really wants a 4th, or if she is jealous of not getting funding from her Dad? Plus factored in costs of a bigger car, childcare costs, 4 lots of everything,.

perhaps it would be wise for your Dad not to say what he is paying for in future.

But her sister has THREE kids already and is struggling to have a fourth now she is 42, an age where plenty of healthy women are no longer able to become pregnant because of their age. I wouldn’t really call it ‘infertility’ just the normal and natural decline of fertility with age that literally happens to all of us.

Yes exactly. All her pregnancies were conceived first month of trying so she was very fertile, so I don’t think it’s anything to do with fertility issues just normal ageing.

Poor you stuck in the middle! Im
glad your youngest sister doesn’t know - don’t tell her either. She’ll be under enough stress with the IVF.

I hope it works out for her x