To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

[Hellother111111]

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

@BreadInCaptivity Oh, I absolutely agree! I actually think most would, and you can probably take your steel pants off! 😉
I'm not afraid to say that I think having four children is greedy and selfish in most circumstances these days, because of the climate crisis and overpopulation etc. I'm ever astounded by people who still seem to be in total denial of these facts, despite the eco-system imploding around us... Um, maybe I need to get some steel pants too!

Unfortunately it's a postcode lottery and not all areas provide it!

I had a midwifery client who was nearly 45 with a history of 3 recent miscarriages. She also had two teenage children (with her same partner). She had already had a consultation with a gyne about her miscarriages, and when she had another one, she wanted me to re-refer her to discuss what she could do to maximize her pregnancy chances. I mentioned it in passing to the consultant she wanted to see, who unsurprisingly declined the referral 🙄 you just could not get the age issue across to this woman. I'd have had sympathy for her if she didn't already have two children. It was delusional.

At 30 the chances of her having good eggs are high. It’s very possible one cycle of IVF produces 5-10 useable embryos that work first time. If that happens she could end up having 4-5 children that your Dad paid for because I doubt he’d not pay for transfers if / when asked. I think if you also add up how much more she might have benefited financially being a much younger half-sister then I can see your elder sister’s point. Her issue isn’t about kids it’s about money and the unfairness of your youngest sister getting 10-15k just like that.

I think family background often plays a big role here.

A friend of mine was horrified when she heard I was going to have a baby at 40 (she had hers at 44--it was an accident and it was too late to teminate by the time she realized). "You are going to be an OLD mother. You will be SO OLD...." etc.

Thing is, my friend was probably not trying to be rude. I think she was affected by her family background. She comes from a poor family with a lot of issues going on, where everyone is in poor shape (obesity, spotty healthcare access, smoking in some cases excessive alcohol intake) by their 50s. I've only recently managed to persuade her to go for her first cancer scan, in her 50s--she was deterred from going before due to misinformation; she let another health issue run on and on and deteriorate for years due to her dislike of going to the doctor. Her expectations about health were very much that, by 50 you are going to be full of health issues like pre-diabetes and joint issues, and you'll probably die in your mid 60s or so.

Whereas me...I'm genuinely trying not to sound like a snob, but I come from a very middle-class background where everyone is very health conscious. My parents are in their 70s and still hiking up massive hills on long walks etc. I know that even very health-aware people can be unlucky and develop poor health suddenly anyway, but I'd be really surprised if I or anyone in my immediate family was too old to kick a football in their 40s.

Perhaps having a baby at 40 is not 100% ideal, but nobody in my life other than above mentioned friend thinks of it as a major big deal.

Oh and it was Granddad who taught my oldest to ride a bike (brilliantly, and within about one hour--I'd been trying for years at that point!) He was over 70 at the time, thought nothing of it. He walks miles in a normal day anyway.

That said, the lady in question in this thread sounds pretty unhinged and needs to get on with making the most of her three children and emotionally supporting her younger half-sister with her IVF treatment. Three kids is a lot and at 42, her ship has probably sailed.

Maybe that was your experience @ChristmasisRuined but to imply that this will case with anyone who has a child when 40 is wrong.

I had my youngest DC at 40 (and my DH was 44). We are certainly not tired nor unable to do things that those in their 30’s can do!

@Hellother111111 you were indeed correct to say that to your sister! As someone who has had IVF (and it wasn’t secondary infertility either), she does not and will not understand what infertility is. IVF isn’t easy. You could do everything right and may not end up pregnant.

Would you rather have never existed then?! Because that’s the only other option.

Nobody has a right to any children at all. It isnt a given. To claim infertility when you've got three kids is ridiculous.

Of course the older sister is being ridiculous.

Does your father favor the younger one?

@ChristmasisRuined

There is no such thing as a tick box idyllic childhood. Very few get that. You had parents who loved you. Young, more self-absorbed parents, or parents distracted by having to work many hours to still try and provide a good life can be tough to deal with too.

Forgive your parents. They gave you life and even young parents can pass away or deliberately choose to pass out of your life (and some would say the latter is worse).

Thank you for saying that! As someone with older parents, I didn’t have a fun childhood either and grew up not wanting any children of my own.

I am not Catholic but also view IVF as immoral and unnatural and am disgusted it’s available on the NHS ( I know it’s being paid for in this case). That “longed for” baby did not ask to be born and will die one day as will all of us. Think about it.

This. I would seriously consider the future relationship with someone like this. I would not be comfortable having someone like this in my life no matter that she's blood.

Jesus, never forgiven them? You sound a bit much. My dad was 58 when I was born!

Energy levels depend on so many things other than age. And perception depends so much on outlook. I did reach young adulthood knowing it was likely my dad would be gone quite early in my life but... he was my dad! I don't begrudge my parent anything, their sole purpose in life was not to bear me at a specific point for my own convenience.

I'd cut contact with older sister. Or grey wall her.

It's hard to say strongly enough: she's actively trying to sabotage her sister's chance to become a mother.

This isn't a bitch. This is on the level of psychopathy.

Maybe it's temporary insanity, but it will do you no good to do anything other than reduce contact until she develops some empathy for your sister.What she's doing is beyond forgivable.

Focus all your "sisterly" energy on your poor younger DSIS.

Congratulation, indeed :) Watching my sister go through ivf, I have some idea of the difficulties women face with ivf. I am happy for any parent that gets the longed for child in the end, as my sister did.

I have empathy for the parents who don’t have a much longed for child at the end of such a difficult medical process. I’m empathetic for any woman that wants a child and isn’t able to have one.

OP - your sister sounds unreasonable. You said nothing wrong. It was all true. She sounds jealous. And your sister throwing a 10 text tantrum afterwards would have been pretty awful for you. Hopefully older sister will come to her senses soon. I hope your young sister achieves her goal and gets her baby.

Because it was specifically aimed at me. She tagged me at the top to deliberately direct it at me. So it was personal and offensive.

Some of the comments on here are hideous.
I had a child late 30s and have loads of energy! We run together and go swimming and when I'm at the school gates I don't feel particularly old or in any danger of being mistaken for a GP.
At 42 your fertility is in decline but that doesn't mean your menopausal or it's definitely game over. There are lots of women who would love another child and it's tough to do that earlier due to financial circumstances etc.
I think the elder sister is behaving badly in this situation. But it's really upsetting for women in their late 30s early 40s, who may have been trying for a long time, to be told it's definitely game over by so many posters and that they're decrepit and selfish for wanting another child.

Wow some really vitriolic comments in here .Your sister, like everyone, is entitled to her feelings

@runningpram she's had already had 3 children and now she is struggling to conceive in her 40s. It could well be menopausal. As the average onset is around the age of 45.

This isn't the same as people who have no children, trying for a long time being told definitely not going to have children. The oldest sister has also had her last baby in her late 30s. So nothing to do with energy levels.
The older sister has problems with jealousy not with infertility

What a bizarre comment to make. I can’t believe people with these views actually exist.

@Hellother111111 your sister is being a bitch. Tell her to grow up and enjoy her children. She's only bothered because she thinks that younger sister is getting something she isn't... she forget your dad is only giving her what you both already have.

Not sure what the name change issue is about. It's there to use. Usual Mumsnet barmy army. Ignore them

I agree, nobody asks to be born however they are conceived, and everybody dies. I do have reservations about some aspects of IVF, I believe some clinics can be exploitative of people’s desperation, and I don’t agree with women using it to become mothers when they are past menopause age - but would never argue it shouldn’t exist at all.

I had young parents and had a shit childhood plagued by their health issues. As an older parent I already run around more after my 3 yo and neices and nephews than my parents ever did. Its often easier to blame your parents for your problems / issues than to be self-critical, I get it. But old parents doesn’t have to mean shit childhood.

“I didn’t have a fun childhood”

Well, maybe that’s because your parents weren’t fun people, rather than because of their age. You don’t sound much fun either - perhaps it runs in the family.

@Snugglemonkey wow apologies! I completely missed that and was so confused as to how someone would take a comment so personally. I can now see that it was indeed meant to be taken personally. Apologies once again