To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

[Hellother111111]

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

Your older sister is definitely being unreasonable in trying to sabotage your younger sister's IVF and you are being unreasonable in telling your older sister that she's not suffering from infertility...secondary infertility is a real thing and is shit. I've suffered from both primary and secondary infertility and they both hurt in different ways

What your sister is doing is so insensitive. Sounds like she is attention seeking.

Thanks for all your comments, yes she has always been jealous of younger sister. I think that's probably where it stems from.

My younger sister doesn't know know about any of this btw, she doesn't know how my older sister feels, she's nice as anything to her face.

It sounds like you did the right thing. It's about time she heard the truth.

I had one at 43 ( naturally).

The OP’s older sister is being an entitled immature twat. You said the right thing OP, don’t feel guilty or bad about it.

You were right and deep down I am sure she knows that hence the over reaction and anger when you told her so. It is completely normal that a woman's fertility declines as she ages. She needs to start looking at the three healthy children she already has.

yeh, that's not infertility. It's a 42 year old woman whose family is complete.
I don't mean that dismissively because I'd have a lot of sympathy for a 42 year old woman who'd been trying for years to have her first child.
But three children down the line! That's a bigger than average family.

Your older sister is jealous of the money your father is spending on your younger sister.

I personally think that infertility where you are struggling to have your first child is different to infertility where you are struggling to have your second, third, fourth child. However, I am a true believer that everyone has a right to be upset / grieve the struggles of having a child wether it is their first or eighth baby. Your sister wants a fourth child, has been trying for over a year and her feelings are valid. She is still struggling.

HOWEVER… Of course your younger sister is in the harder situation and your older sister should recognise that and be a bit more sensitive to the situation. She has no children and just wants the chance to be a mum. Of course she should be getting the IVF help over your older sister. Your sister is already a mother to 3 lovely children, whilst I think she has the absolute right to want a fourth and be upset that it’s taking over a year - I think she should be told that her feelings are valid but right now your younger sister has 0 children and to put herself in her shoes.

She isn’t infertile, she is just 42 when conception is harder. And she has 3 kids!

She sounds so awful.

I always feel very uncomfortable when people compare secondary infertility to primary infertility. They're not even in the same league.

YANBU. Your older sister sounds jealous of the money your dad is spending on younger sister. How awful of her to be acting this way when she has 3 DC already, a large family!! What a mean-spirited person. I hope you speak to your dad so that he doesn't feel bullied by your older sister. Your younger sister needs all your support, not this sort of treatment from the eldest.

You say your family is on MN. I hope your sister sees this thread and realises what a spoilt cow she is being

The two are not comparable in any way and I say this as a 42 year old with no children and have had to come to terms with that. I really hope she makes herself known on this thread and I will tell her a few home truths.

This is definitely a money from dad thing OP at the top and maybe attention seeking at the bottom of it.

She has 3 kids.

She’s a selfish, insensitive and jealous of the money and attention being given to your younger sister.

I couldn’t tolerate listening to her bullshit and would tell her so.

100%

Jealous and bitter. Money is the route of all evils.

YANB in the slightest bit U. What a dreadful thing your sister is doing. Contact your dad to say you fully support his decision re DHSs ivf. Shocking.

You did well in not telling she isn't suffering from infertility, she's suffering from old age.

Your older sister is a self - absorbed selfish person. She can’t see outside her own world. How did she become so inward looking and where does this jealousy of your younger sister stem from?

Although I think you're right, she might really want this fourth child and be struggling to accept that it might happen. I also think that you're wrong to think most women can't get pregnant at 42 - there are plenty of accidental siblings on the school run.

She is a bit mean to feel put out about your younger sister's issues, and your father's decision to help her. Maybe some deep rooted shit going on there.

Sounds like she's struggling a bit tbh. Be kind, and tell her how beautiful her children are and to make sure she enjoys them and doesn't spend too much time resenting your younger sister.

Congratulations! ❤️

I'm guessing this is really about money. I'm guessing she still resents your father having a second family

she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby

This makes her a total cunt.

She sounds like it from OP’s description, but we are only getting one view.

I am not sure any of us are in a position to say the relative/friend “is” this or that.

This whole thing of “my family or on the site…[so I’m going to NC but slag them off in their sight anyway]” feels a bit dysfunctional. If I were either of the sisters i would be horrified to read this.