To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

[Hellother111111]

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

No thank you, I'm personally not Catholic - my husband is, but is grown up enough to distinguish between religion and slavishly obeying "The Church". And thankfully the Jesuit priest who married us and christened our children is also hugely intelligent, has published a lot of books and can think for himself.
We have two happy, healthy, well adjusted and intelligent youngsters thanks to IVF. You on the other hand sound rather bitter.

"I have a tiny newborn IVF baby and even though I’d need IVF to attempt to have any more children, already I feel that having a child is very different to the hopeless despair of being childless and suffering infertility."

Exactly this.

Sorry, I know she is your sister but she sounds absolutely bonkers, and also like a really horrible person. You did well biting your tongue as long as you did.

✨Congratulations!✨ It's such a magical time 💛

You don't want to derail the thread? I guess that's why you post sanctimonious and judgmental comments about how IVF is an "immoral" way to conceive children, on a thread about infertility and someone desperately trying IVF?
Right.
What a charming person you are.

Also @XingMing the dad is paying for the IVF... that's one of the main points of the thread??

Thank you @ChristmasisRuined I’m enjoying every moment

My Dad is funding it, that’s the entire point of the thread 😅 did you even read it?

Maybe XingMing is your older sister 😅

@pictish
@Snugglemonkey

My DM had me at 40 (my DF was 45) and honestly I'll never fully forgive them for it. As a result I ended up losing my DF at just 26 and they were both 'tired' my entire childhood. By the time we were 6/7, the days when they could run around or play ball with us/teach us to ride a bike etc, were long gone. So everyone thought they were my GPs! The age difference between us was just too much so we never really got along.

@Whalesong I was just responding to @XingMing and asking what was the reason for her objection to the younger sister having IVF, or whether that was a typo.

Why are some people so uptight over me changing my name?? Such a weird thing to care about.

So it's not enough that she's badmouthing and spitting venom about your little sister to you, she's actually going behind her back to your dad and trying to sabotage her chance of IVF? What an absolute bitch, nay, I'll use the word I never use, what a cunt!

I think I'd have a very hard time even speaking to her at this point.

The grit in the eye is the father paying attention (& secondly the money) to the younger daughter’s quest to have a baby. By his actions an act of love & support.

Op’s older sister is both nurturing a possible legacy grievance about Dad’s second family &, let’s be generous here, a heartfelt desire for another baby at a time when her fertility is dwindling. Not kaput, just dwindling. She is unlikely to get NHS fertility treatment & would be presented with a limited menu of choices at a considerable price with varying odds of success at one of the many private UK fertility clinics.This is reality biting.

So it’s down to Dad how he spends his money. His money, not family money nor the kids inheritance. It may be his heartfelt desire for his younger daughter to have a baby & he may have vowed to himself to see this through. He can equally buy a new car, go on a cruise or down the bookies, it is his money to spend as he sees fit

Were I Dad I’d spend my money as I see fit to support my youngest daughter to become a mother & I would kindly mind my daughter with her three children already to be careful what she wishes for, sort her own finances out & face the reality of what she says.

@Hellother111111 best of luck to your younger sister.

Thank you for this really unhelpful comment to a pregnant 42 year old. This may have been your experience, but I do not see it as relevant to me. I'm sorry you lost your dad young. My mum died at 54, my friend lost her mum at 12, my son has a friend who is just 6 and about to lose a father. That can happen to anyone. Most parents at my son's school are in their 40's, so my children will be very much the norm at school. I actively play with my child often and find the idea that my playing days would be over in 3 years laughable. My dad is 65 and is very active in playing with my child, he taught him how to ride his bike. I have been ttc now for 12 years and am thrilled to be having my second, so you can fuck off with your voice of doom.

No, YANBU.

👏

Your sister is being a twat.

But why is your Dad paying? Wouldn't she be able to get IVF through the NHS at her age?

I understand your offence but PP was sharing her experience, I can’t see anything in her post to suggest she is advising others. She’s entitled to share her own experiences even if they are uncomfortable for others. It’s getting a bit tiresome on here how everything is considered a personal slight.

Oh gosh, YADNBU! If your 42-year-old sister didn't already have children, for whatever reason (including just not having met the right man) then I'd be full of sympathy for her, possibly even more than your other sister, as she'd feel she's running out of time. But she has three healthy children!!! To be honest, in this day and age, with climate change and overpopulation, I'd say having more than 3, or even 2, children is somewhat selfish anyway.
Your other sister has been suffering infertility for years, and doesn't have any children. Of course she's the one needing support here! Your older sister is being extremely self-indulgent. I'm astounded she can't see what almost everyone else would see... Really hope things work out for your childless sister.

I would just ignore it. The idea that the average 46 year old is too decrepit to play ball with a child is laughable.

I was specifically tagged. It was directed at me and it was a nasty post in my eyes. That is how I experienced it.

We paid for our treatments ourselves - I was also in my early 30s. We were told we qualified for up to 3 cycles of IVF for our first child, max one per year, with a waiting time of a couple of years for the first one (and we'd have had to go through a number of other treatments first). By the time we'd have had the first IVF on the NHS I'd have been a good few years older. And at a frankly not very good clinic.
Given that time was of the essence (including the toll it was all taking on my mental health) we decided to go private, to one of the best clinics in the country. If OP's dad is able to help his daughter there are plenty of good reasons to go private (including leaving space for someone else to take advantage of the NHS).

The post was specifically directed at several PP who had already posted that they were over 40 and trying to conceive or already pregnant. Cruel and unnecessary.

Dons steel pants and bends over....

Personally I find the concept of "secondary infertility" really offensive in the context of a couple who already have 3 children or those who have one.

They are clearly not infertile.---- Just greedy.

OP support your younger sister and tell the elder to get a grip she sounds awfully entitled.

Why are you taking something so personally as if anyone was even talking to you? That poster was speaking about her own personal experience that has nothing to do with you. So why are you taking offence?