Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told 42 year old sister she’s not “suffering from infertility”

224 replies

Hellother111111 · 15/11/2022 18:37

Name change as outing (family use this site)

So backstory, me (40) and my sister (42) have a younger half sister (30) from our Dads side. She’s been struggling with infertility for years and our Dad is paying for her to have IVF. Older sister is very angry, unhappy, bitter over this. I’ve been avoiding her for months because it’s all she talks about. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I have one child (5), my older sister has three children (9, 5, 4) we have both been blessed to have gotten pregnant easily and I feel awful for our younger sister and want her to have a chance of being a parent aswell.

Anyway older sister decided a year ago she wants a fourth, and after a year of trying it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for her but she already has three so she’s not in the desperate situation our younger sister is.

Older sister phoned me today, kept going on and on and on about how unfair it is our sister is getting free IVF, that she’s also going through infertility and that no one cares about her. I said “people do care but you aren’t in the same situation as our sister, you have three kids! And most people can’t get pregnant into their forties, it’s completely normal” she went absolutely ballistic at me, hung up, sent me ten abusive texts in a row I cba to read.

Maybe I should have worded things more tactfully but she’s irritating me a lot with treatment of our younger sister, she’s going behind our backs to our Dad nagging him over this in the hopes he won’t pay for it. She’s trying to sabotage her having a baby. I’m just sad about the whole thing. Maybe I’m in the wrong. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 15/11/2022 20:42

Well done for pulling her up on her behaviour. Not the same thing at all when she’s got 3 children already. She sounds like a spoilt child

VariantHela · 15/11/2022 20:46

From someone who has experienced real infertility, YANBU.

MozzarellaMonster · 15/11/2022 20:56

You are understandably fed up of seeing one sister begrudge another happiness and a child of their own.
Doesn't seem like she's a very kind person if what you say is true and she's trying to prevent her getting help from your dad.
Once you've seen a person for who they are it's hard to unsee it, and there's no going back once you voice what you can see.
You may regret it, you may be relieved to have gotten it out or maybe both but what's done is done.

whynotwhatknot · 15/11/2022 20:57

Shes entitled to be upset over her own problems but to phone your dad and try and get him not to pay for ivf for her own sister is vile

has she always been like this op

MargotChateau · 15/11/2022 21:01

I’ve been try to have a baby for 5 years, I’m now 32 weeks with an ivf pregnancy and I’ll be 40 once bebe arrives.

Yes secondary fertility is a thing, but a mum with 3 children naturally conceived is in no way comparable to a 30 year old with primary infertility struggling to have a first baby.

I’d have a word with your sister sharpish, and tell her to pull her head in. IVF is brutally awful, your sister was blessed to have three children without intervention and the fact she is jealously trying to undermine your father assisting your sister for just the hope of a first baby is disgusting unsisterly behaviour. Tell her off, and let her sulk, someone needs to tell her. Also tell your dad what you think and both work together to make sure your sister never finds out your elder sister’s thoughts and to support her as much as you can.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2022 21:03

Your older sister is being awful. You were not u to give her a reality check.

menopausalbloat · 15/11/2022 21:06

Your sister is acting like a spoiled twat.

XingMing · 15/11/2022 21:26

Very sorry for your younger sister's inferttility, but personally, I do not wish to fund her IVF treatment. And I don't believe it should be funded by the NHS either.

Hariborrrrr · 15/11/2022 21:46

XingMing · 15/11/2022 21:26

Very sorry for your younger sister's inferttility, but personally, I do not wish to fund her IVF treatment. And I don't believe it should be funded by the NHS either.

I don't think her sister has requested you to fund it

Flutterbybudget · 15/11/2022 21:51

She’s being ridiculous to resent your younger sister having IVF paid for, but regardless of her age or how many children she has, the urge to have a baby/ another baby isn’t always rational. And when you’re getting to the age where you know it’s less likely to happen, it really doesn’t get any easier.
I’ve been there myself, and I suspect that many others on here have as well. I’m older than your sister, and can’t have any more now, but if there was even the tiniest chance, I’d jump at it.

What you said wasn’t wrong, but try and be a bit gentle with her as well. Try and talk to her calmly. Ask her how she would have felt in your younger sisters shoes, given how she feels right now. Losing your fertility is a huge deal to many women, for a myriad of reasons.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 15/11/2022 21:56

She is just unlucky no reason she can't get pregnant she is not infertile just unlucky.

Nuggetss · 15/11/2022 21:59

It seems some people can't come to terms with the natural aging process. She's 42 she has 3 children already. The sister is childless and 30!! What a horrible woman begrudging her younger sister ever becoming a mother..

lljkk · 15/11/2022 21:59

Hope you & big sis make up OP. I don't think YWU.

theonlygirl · 15/11/2022 22:00

You're not being unreasonable. Your older sister is a cow. Sorry.

Algor1thm · 15/11/2022 22:01

@polkadotpixie secondary infertility is more appropriate when a person is still of a reasonable, fertile age and their infertility is unexplained. Everyone's fertility declines with age and most 42 year olds would struggle to get or stay pregnant. Do we all have secondary infertility in our 40s and 50s?

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:01

She is suffering from infertility but she shouldn't be trying to sabotage her sister's efforts (if she is.)

Has your younger sister already had NHS IVF @Hellother111111 ?

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:03

secondary infertility is more appropriate when a person is still of a reasonable, fertile age and their infertility is unexplained. Everyone's fertility declines with age and most 42 year olds would struggle to get or stay pregnant. Do we all have secondary infertility in our 40s and 50s?

An older woman's fertility, unless she's been through menopause, could still be enhanced by IVF in theory (though at 42, chances of success are reduced.)

Nuggetss · 15/11/2022 22:03

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:01

She is suffering from infertility but she shouldn't be trying to sabotage her sister's efforts (if she is.)

Has your younger sister already had NHS IVF @Hellother111111 ?

No she isn't many women struggle to get pregnant in their 40s she has 3 children already. It's science and an aging body.

Conkersareback · 15/11/2022 22:06

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 15/11/2022 18:52

Is it three of the same sex? Is that the issue? Is she desperate for a boy/girl?

Why would that make a difference?

WeAreTheHeroes · 15/11/2022 22:07

I'm willing to bet this has nothing to do with infertility at all. Your older sister is pissed off at the amount of money your dad is spending on your younger sister. That's why she's making a stupidly big deal about IVF for her to have another baby. As you've rightly pointed out, she has three kids already. Not the same circumstances at all. She wants the same money to be spent on her.

She's being idiotic because she knows that if she says what she is really thinking that sounds even worse: she doesn't want your dad to give your younger sister what she, and you, are not being given.

Algor1thm · 15/11/2022 22:07

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:03

secondary infertility is more appropriate when a person is still of a reasonable, fertile age and their infertility is unexplained. Everyone's fertility declines with age and most 42 year olds would struggle to get or stay pregnant. Do we all have secondary infertility in our 40s and 50s?

An older woman's fertility, unless she's been through menopause, could still be enhanced by IVF in theory (though at 42, chances of success are reduced.)

Yeah I don't disagree. I just wouldn't describe a woman with 3 kids who is finding it difficult to conceive in their 40s infertile. She's only infertile in the sense we're all infertile at that age. And with 3 healthy kids it's hard to feel buckets of sympathy, especially compared to a childless couple.

Ginger1982 · 15/11/2022 22:13

XingMing · 15/11/2022 21:26

Very sorry for your younger sister's inferttility, but personally, I do not wish to fund her IVF treatment. And I don't believe it should be funded by the NHS either.

No doubt you conceived and birthed your own kids quite easily then?

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:14

There is no age cut off (pre-menopause) for someone to be said to be suffering from infertility. Obviously at some point that idea would be somewhat silly, but 42 isn't quite it.

45 is said to be statistically the end of a woman's child bearing years (as people giving birth after that is so rare that it's statistically insignificant.)

Canthave2manycats · 15/11/2022 22:22

XingMing · 15/11/2022 21:26

Very sorry for your younger sister's inferttility, but personally, I do not wish to fund her IVF treatment. And I don't believe it should be funded by the NHS either.

@XingMing Fortunately it's not within your gift or otherwise...

OP you did the right thing pulling your older sister up on this. Such a selfish attitude. Pity she even knows that your dad is paying for your younger sister's IVF. She is clearly very resentful of her. Surely any woman with 3 children would want her sister to experience the joy of being a mother?

I can kinda understand your elder sister's longing for another child (even though I think personally 4 kids is mad unless you're loaded). I struggled to conceive my 3rd, and had 2 miscarriages, then conceived straight away and had my baby at 40. Though, with 2 children already, I would never have considered IVF. I think your sister would be mad to as well! She should have a chat with her GP. There's other help out there short of assisted conception.

Plus she should be supportive of your younger sister and grateful for the children she has!

OldFan · 15/11/2022 22:23

Very sorry for your younger sister's inferttility, but personally, I do not wish to fund her IVF treatment. And I don't believe it should be funded by the NHS either.

@XingMing Why do you say this (genuine question.) Did you mean the older sister, who already has 3?

I mean, I'm Catholic, we don't believe in IVF. But I'd be interested why you think the younger one shouldn't have it on the NHS or private (unless it was a typo and you meant to say the older one?) Unless your religion is against it too?