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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mum heartbreak

189 replies

Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:32

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

OP posts:
BeKindToYourMind · 14/11/2022 18:34

Depends.

How long have you been together?
You say he's your partner, not your husband, so are you considered by him/her mother to be her SM?

Gazelda · 14/11/2022 18:35

I get you feel left out. And it would be a lovely trip for you all to enjoy.

But equally, it's a special trip for a dad to take with his daughter. I don't know how much time he spends with her, but maybe he's planning this as a special treat that will give them a memory to share.

How long have you been in her life? That also makes a difference.

MrsThimbles · 14/11/2022 18:35

I can well understand how you feel and it would have been better to tell you before buying them that he couldn’t afford to buy you a ticket also.

TidyDancer · 14/11/2022 18:35

Perhaps it's something your DP just wanted to share with his DD? I think that's fair enough really. How long have you been together/known his DD?

PickAgain · 14/11/2022 18:36

I understand you would like to go on the outing and be a family unit but it is also okay for a parent to just take their child out.

SpringSparrow · 14/11/2022 18:36

Could you buy a ticket yourself and join them? It’s a shame he didn’t ask you if you wanted to go too.

monsteronahill · 14/11/2022 18:37

As a step child I would have cherished my dad taking time to spend one on one time with me, especially something so special.

Floatyflip · 14/11/2022 18:37

Maybe he just a wanted a day out just them two?

Dixiechickonhols · 14/11/2022 18:39

It’s nice to do something just dad and daughter. If you really wanted to go then it’s a shame he didn’t check first if you wanted to go. A you plan another different trip for 3 if you.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 14/11/2022 18:39

Let them go and have some 1:1 time. I'd love an afternoon to myself!

pinkyredrose · 14/11/2022 18:39

How long have you been with him?

Riverlee · 14/11/2022 18:39

…as it was too expensive. There’s your answer. It’s nothing against you personally, but due to:the cost.

Chomolungma · 14/11/2022 18:40

Is this a one off? Or do you feel more generally that you do a lot of the "boring" bits of parenting her (like making meals for her and doing her washing) and get excluded from the fun stuff?

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 14/11/2022 18:41

I would step well back and let father and daughter spend some one on one time together.

Why not plan something nice with a friend on that day (Xmas Market followed by some food and cocktails in the evening 😉)

Doyoumind · 14/11/2022 18:43

Do you have your own dc OP?

I think it's perfectly fair to have got tickets for just the two of them, especially if they are expensive. It's about a special day for her. It's not about you.

It changes the dynamic if other people are there.

SomePosters · 14/11/2022 18:44

Yabu

They should get 1-2-1 time.

No need to make this about you. In the nicest possible way I think it’s a good thing he is doing

ZenNudist · 14/11/2022 18:44

In many not step families its normal to have one parent go to the expensive activity and the other parent stay home. Its for the kids' benefit.

Original poster
Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:46

We have been together for 4 years, I've known her since she was 2, I do school runs, look after her when he's busy, plan stuff for us all to do etc. We are engaged and planning a baby of our own

OP posts:
BigScreen · 14/11/2022 18:46

Hurt you deeply ?? What's the back story? Without one YABVU.

Redwineandroses · 14/11/2022 18:47

Perhaps he wanted to have a special 1 to 1 time with his dd and just told you it was too expensive to spare your feelings?

maroonhaze · 14/11/2022 18:48

I would have loved this as a kid and hated that all my time with my parent involved their partner and step siblings.

I think there would have to be quite a bit of context for us to understand why you are heartbroken about this.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 14/11/2022 18:48

My oldest ds bought tickets for something for my youngest 2 dc. He wants to take them and spend time with them.

I'm not hurt, jealous or anything else. They are more than entitled to spend time together without me there, I fully understand its a different dynamic when I'm around.

Your dp just wants some one to one time with his dd, there's also a financial constraint to consider. It's really nothing to do with you tbh.

maroonhaze · 14/11/2022 18:49

SpringSparrow · 14/11/2022 18:36

Could you buy a ticket yourself and join them? It’s a shame he didn’t ask you if you wanted to go too.

Why?

Original poster
Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:49

He calls me her SM, this has devastated me 😪 like all the effort I make means nothing and I'm still not considered part of their little family

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 14/11/2022 18:50

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing.

We had a very expensive Christmas experience planned when my second was about 1. Because they wouldn’t appreciate it I initially only booked for DH and DC1. I only added the baby and me in due to everything else fun that year being cancelled due to Covid.. Under the original plan it would have been just the two of them as I couldn’t justify the cost when really it was all only about one person (DC1) so I can really see where he’s coming from.

Nice to have one on one time too.

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