Step mum heartbreak

[Slg84]

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

In this situation, as rubbish as is for you, 1 to 1 with her dad trumps your hurt feelings over it as you're the adult. It's OK to feel upset by it but surely you don't begrudge that special time for them together?

With all due respect this is really dramatic.

There will be times when you and your dp have a child you'll want to do something, or he will want to do something alone with the dc.

When my dc were little and I was still with my ex I used to watch wrestling with them, that was our thing and I would have been pissed off if he tried to get involved with that.

Its ok to have one on one time, and his dd will love it too, it doesn't mean they hate you or whatever, just that they enjoy time together too.

He booked it without telling me, too late to book more 😔 it just hurts that I'm SP when it suits and useful but then not when its something nice

You're not a step parent; you're free childcare.

Stop doing so much for him.

It's lovely for him to spend the time 1:1 with his daughter. Please don't spoil it for them by making a thing out of it - you sound like a lovely stepmum, but this is about their day and not you x

Is this the only thing making you feel like this? How is it day to day.

You talk about doing a lot for her, are you being treated like a skivvy/unpaid childcare?

I'm sorry but if it really is just about this trip then you need to get over this and adjust your mindset. It would have been better if he'd talked to you first but he hasn't done anything wrong from what you've written.

You may well have a close relationship with her but he's her dad and it's ok and good for them to have one on one time.

If that was the reason I would understand, I often buy them things for just the 2 of them to do. However his explanation was it was just too expensive

He wants some 1to1 time with his child. Its really selfish to not see that.

I've done exactly the same thing: booked Harry Potter tickets for DS and either me or DH (DS' stepdad). DH isn't particularly interested in HP so I'll probably go. It's not that I don't want him to come, but the tickets were £100 each!

Well then maybe that is the reason? Its a decent reason

It really does sound like he wants to do it with just him and his dd, which lovely. I assume you both contribute to finances so if cost were the factor, surely he would have asked if you could pay for your bit?

If DH planned a one off special event just him and our DC I wouldn't be upset. It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg for you, otherwise you're completely over reacting.

Surely that’s even more reasonable though? Even if neither one was the step parent it makes more sense for 1 to go with the child if it’s a case of not being able to afford to go otherwise?

Devastated? Oh come on.
it might’ve been a case of either just the 2 of them go or they didn’t go at all if it’s expensive for 3. Time to get over it.

It’s really hard to say from the little that you’ve given. Depending on other factors it could be totally fine, if you normally do everything together and he just wanted some one-to-one time while you enjoy some time for you, to awful if he makes a habit of shutting you out as part of an abusive relationship.

Sorry OP but we all must know our place.
The men will decide.

But these things ARE expensive and in my experience anyway well worth it for the child’s ticket but the adult tickets feel so pointless.

I’ve been to various things over the summer (theatre etc) with DC on my own. Yes I could have arranged for a Saturday and taken DH too.. a nice family day out but more money and really what’s the point when it’s all about DC anyway?
DC1 and DH often go to costly shows and exhibitions on their own when I can’t justify the expense of all going.

I’m so sorry, I have experienced similar and was also very upset. It made me feel very much an outsider and that regardless of how much you do, care etc that you are the first expendable. In my case I didn’t hide how upset I was and I think it came as a shock as he really didn’t think I would be. Everyone can be a bit thoughtless at times and although hurt I got over it and it never happened again.

I understand where you're coming from @Slg84 , you've done the day to day stuff as if you were his DD's SM but when it comes to the big day out suddenly you don't get included. Maybe you've got too invested in the his relationship with his DD. I'd step back and stop doing the SM things, he's her DF and he should be looking after her, not you

I agree with you, and it’s refreshing to see someone saying this, but that’s not necessarily the case here, we don’t know if the OP understands the world as you and I do.

It’s really nice when parents want to do things one to one with their kids. Just be happy for them, when you have a baby won’t you do that sometimes?
my friend has two kids and her and her husband often take one of the kids each out for a one to one outing.

Thanks all, I never begrudge them time together whatsoever, I actively encourage it. I just wanted to know if I was being silly being upset, as usually I'm included in everything. I can't help but feel a bit hurt, but wouldn't ever make a fuss and ruin it for them

These things are generally shit and boring for adults, not magical etc.I’d say you've had a lucky escape!

I would definitely be rethinking things if I were you. If he had talked to you about it beforehand, it would be completely different, but he's just gone ahead and treated himself and his daughter without giving you a second thought, even though you are acting like her mum whenever she's there.

I understand you’re upset and you sound like a very loving stepmum. If you pay for things for them to do together, do you ever get to do nice things as a 3?