Step mum heartbreak

[Slg84]

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

Again OP, how much are you saving him in childcare/maintenance?

I would be a bit upset too op, especially by the fact he booked it without even mentioning it to you first. Pretty shitty imo.

I think it's nice they are going just the two of them.

Are you planning the wedding now? I would reccommend you get married before having a baby since it sounds like you will be doing childcare.

if you do stuff gtogether usually i woudnt see this as aproblem-maybe his budget only strecthed so far and he didnt want his little girl missing out

I don't think of it in that way. Me doing the little things makes it easier for everyone and I'm happy to do that

I don’t think anyone has mentioned yet that most Polar Express rides only sell tickets in pairs so you can’t buy 3, only a table for 2 or 4 to maximise ticket sales rather than being left with odd seats. For that reason I’m taking DS by myself rather than DH coming.

i think it’s fine for your DH to go without you but should have discussed with you first

I’d let them go and have a dad-daughter day. I totally get the feeling left out part. Just explain to him later in the week how it made you feel.. preferably not as soon as he comes back as it could taint any good feeling he had as a result of their treat day whatever you want to call it.

YANU, just make your feelings known. I can see both sides

Sometimes it really is nice to have 1 on 1 time together. It doesn’t minimise the role you play in her life. Book yourselves something, a day out shopping or something so the two of you can bond in the same way.

I think that Christmas is about family, and I think I'd be a little hurt too.

Perhaps ease off being a little too eager to help out?

I agree with this. If you feel upset you ought to let him know.

One issue is the fact he didn't want to include you in a rewarding family activity despite the fact you contribute as a step parent and his reasoning was expense - which shows that he feels entitled to your free childcare services and seems to consider you expendable when it will cost him money.

The second issue is he didn't treat you like an equal partner because he made a unilateral decision without so much as a heads up.

Let him know you're upset and also reevaluate what childcare you're willing to do since he doesn't seem to think your efforts are with rewarding.

Is it possible she’s requested doing this 1:1 with just her dad and he’s trying to avoid telling you that? If you do that much for her maybe she just wants some special time with her dad? However, the PE journeys I’ve looked at before now are usually sold in pairs or tables so it might well be too expensive.

Well said!

I do school runs, look after her when he's busy

If it was down to wanting to do something special with just them, fair enough ... If it was truly down to money/cost.... Given the value of four years of school runs and free childcare; I think I would he evaluating contribution/consideration/investment in this relationship.

Why is he not with his child's mother? Do you think you have the full/real story?

People will miss your replies OP, your name change mean your replies are no longer highlighted.

It is lovely for him to have one on one time.

It is lovely for you to have such a n active part in her life.

But if you are family enough to look after her and do the day to day stuff, you are family enough to go on the trip.

I’d be rethinking having a baby for the time being.

Perhaps it's just a nice way of them spending one on one time there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's nice you want to be involved however it's also nice for them to spend time alone it's no reflection of how they feel about you.

Let them enjoy time one to one. It’s not as if the rest of his family are going and you’re excluded.

I dislike my step mother. Mainly because she never ever lets me see my dad alone. She’s ALWAYS there!! He’s an asshole by not insisting he has a relationship with his children that she doesn’t try to manage. Actually I detest her and dislike him now.

I often do things with our daughter without DH as it reduces the cost which we could not really justify otherwise. I don’t think this is any different really. It’s about cost not about you being the step parent

The fact your usually included says it all he wants some one time with his dd. I often spent one to one with dd and dh has spend one to one time with ds and they are both our dc.

I think YAB(a bit)U. It's expensive, that's the only reason you were 'left out'. Not because you're not important to them.
It's something we have to do (dc both biologically ours).

I would be upset too... but whether I stayed upset would depend on his response when I raised it.
"Oh.. I'm sorry.. I really wanted to do something special one on one with DD, I didn't think you'd mind. Shall we plan a special outing for the 3 of us?" - Fine
"Don't be ridiculous" - Not fine
And of course there are a multitude of responses in between!

YANBU OP - I’m a step mum to a 4 year old and would feel the same if I hadn’t been told about it first. I encourage my fiancé to spend lots of time alone with his little one and love their little adventures, it is just nice to know the plans and understand when they want that time. I’d be hurt too.

Good point! Why didn't he treat the two of you to Polar Express while he stays home and does housework or cooks a nice meal for afterward? That's what a kind and caring partner/father would do.

I can imagine if a man suggested his partner takes his daughter out for the day whilst he stays home, he’d be shot down.

It’s fine and should be encouraged that children spend 1-1 time with their biological parents.

Have you said exactly that to him?

I can understand why but honestly having been on the polar express your dodging a bullet! It's extremely loud you can't escape anywhere and the hot chocolate is rubbish!