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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mum heartbreak

189 replies

Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:32

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2022 19:48

Stop being so dramatic.

He is allowed 1:1 time with his daughter. Money is tight and it is expensive.

Slr86 · 14/11/2022 19:48

I have said I have absolutely no issue with them spending time together and go out of my way to make sure they do nice things together. I have fully accepted being a sm and embraced it as best I can which is why I was upset finding out after. If he'd said he wanted to do it just the 2 of them then fine, it still would have hurt as I like to be involved. I enjoy being part of her life too, is that wrong

CombatBarbie · 14/11/2022 19:50

It is hurtful OP, you're good enough to do the mundane stuff but not the special stuff.

DelightedDaisy · 14/11/2022 19:50

hauntedvagina · 14/11/2022 19:26

Married with two DC. Quite normal for only one of us to take them to an activity like this if it helps keep the cost down.

But I imagine you’d discuss it first? If my DH booked to take our DC somewhere without me I’d be hurt. It’s courtesy to discuss it first.

id be hurt too OP. I know the pain of wanting to be accepted but always feeling on the outside, I bet it felt like a kick in the teeth.

LearnerCook · 14/11/2022 19:50

I feel sad for you, OP. It seems you are very much involved in this little girl's life.

Why don't you speak to your partner and ask him to be honest. If it really was a case of money, he could have asked you to pay for your own ticket, surely? Or was it a case of wanting some special time, just him and his daughter. And why did he feel he couldn't tell you?

prescribingmum · 14/11/2022 19:50

DH and I often do this when something is expensive and the main ones who will benefit are the children. It allows us to be able to offer them more and we don't feel both of us are needed for activities that are specifically aimed at children

toomuchlaundry · 14/11/2022 19:50

If it is something you would have really enjoyed I would have asked if you wanted to join, especially as others have said you seem to do quite a lot of grunt work.

If it is too expensive then I would be wondering if you can afford a baby, and how that will impact his thinking about who goes on trips etc

Gymnopedie · 14/11/2022 19:51

How does he define 'too expensive'? Is he scraping about for the money for them to go? Does it mean he'll have to cut back on a few things for himself? does he mean if he bought your ticket he might have to forgo a night out with the lads and he's not prepared to do that? Or could he actually afford it without really noticing, he just doesn't want to?

I think that would give more context. You save him money on childcare, you contribute to the bills, you maintain the house and cook - you're not exactly the female equivalent of a cocklodger. is it a case of what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own?

donttellmehesalive · 14/11/2022 19:52

I'm a mum. Sometimes I'm included and sometimes I'm not. Same for stepmums too I suppose.

Beautiful3 · 14/11/2022 19:52

My husband recently took the children with him, to a football match. He didn't invite me, because it's expensive. Also it was a nice opportunity for him to bond with them, as they're always with me. I had the best day, doing what ever I wanted. Plan a nice day for yourself.

fingcntbags · 14/11/2022 19:53

This is one reason why "blended families" are so bloody difficult to navigate.

OP, if you want to stay with this man, his daughter has to come ahead of you in his eyes (he'd be a weird parent to put you ahead of her). Maybe it was too expensive for you all to go; maybe he actually wanted to go just with his daughter. But you are going to have to develop a thicker skin about this sort of thing (and I actually agree with a PP who said you had a lucky escape - surely no grown woman is really heartbroken about not going to see Father Christmas?)

More important, though, is the fact that you are planning to TTC before you have actually got married. Why do women do this to themselves?

user1471457751 · 14/11/2022 19:53

Are all those posters accusing the partner of treating the OP as a nanny only good for the grunt work missing or choosing to ignore the fact the OP states she is usually included? Doesn't sound like he thinks she's the nanny.

CallMeBettyBoop · 14/11/2022 19:53

Give over, OP. It's not all about you.

donttellmehesalive · 14/11/2022 19:54

Is it the one in Birmingham?

£30-£45 depending on day. Do you believe him that three tickets were unaffordable?

saraclara · 14/11/2022 19:54

Ha. I thought this was an expensive foreign trip of some sort when I posted before.
Clearly not, so not quite as massive a deal as I thought. So yep, overreacting a tad, OP.

tootiredtospeak · 14/11/2022 19:58

That's a shame he has hurt you if he is generally a good guy then I wouldn't make too much of it. Tell him of course you would like to be included in the decisions going forward and at the very least he should be letting you know what he has planned. But you say your pregnant with his child. I hope that you stay together but let's just say you dont its going to be important that he is a good dad and that his children come first.

TheNewSchmoo · 14/11/2022 19:59

Miffed, yes. Heartbroken? Don't be silly.

excelledyourself · 14/11/2022 20:03

it just hurts that I'm SP when it suits and useful but then not when its something nice

Or

I just wanted to know if I was being silly being upset, as usually I'm included in everything.

Are you usually included in the nice things or not?

If you are, I'd take him at his word. And even if he isn't being quite truthful about the expense, maybe he didn't want to hurt you by saying he just wants a day for both of them.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/11/2022 20:04

WeeOrcadian · 14/11/2022 19:44

It sounds to me like you shouldn't be planning a baby with this man, you'll never accept his 1 on 1 time with his daughter, and you're making this all about you.

Stop being so self absorbed. And let him go - he deserves someone who respects his father time with his child.

And she deserves someone who doesn't use her as an unpaid child minder, nanny and housekeeper.

donttellmehesalive · 14/11/2022 20:07

"And she deserves someone who doesn't use her as an unpaid child minder, nanny and housekeeper."

Tbf she does say that she's usually included in everything so I don't think she can feel like any of those things really.

toobusytothink · 14/11/2022 20:08

Even if you were the kids mum, it is good for a dad to take out just one kid sometimes. When I was married my husband enjoyed days out with just our son or just our daughter. You don’t have to do everything together. You’re being very precious and massively over reacting. Not sure it’s really something to get upset about

FabFitFifties · 14/11/2022 20:10

I doubt your partner expected you to think this is such a big deal OP - he may see it as for his daughter's benefit primarily, a treat for her, not him. (Or you)

ThankYouStavros · 14/11/2022 20:11

But if it’s too expensive, how does he win here? You’re part of her life but he’s her father. He can’t omit himself or her. It’s crap but he’s put her first, just let it go.

Slr86 · 14/11/2022 20:12

I am usually included in the nice things yes, maybe why it took me by surprise. I also do do a lot to help him and his x out, I never mind though as I love her to bits and enjoy being with her. We aren't skint by any means, to respond to some people . I would have also enjoyed experiencing this special time with them. He isn't a bad guy at all, and maybe was just a bit silly in the way he went about it

PopcornChewingGum · 14/11/2022 20:13

I would certainly be hurt