Step mum heartbreak

[Slg84]

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

No, I book stuff all the time, things like theatre tickets or whatever. I don’t feel like we need to discuss it, he doesn’t have an issue with me doing nice things for our dc.

I would be annoyed as well, however, if it is too expensive for 3 people I would rather them go as a 2 than not at all. Particularly if she likes the Polar Express.

I guess you need to work out if it was genuinely too expensive for 3, did he forget to include you or did he deliberately exclude you?

I get why you’d want to join in but it’s really important for his DD that he has 1-1 time with her.

He should have told you before booking it that you weren’t invited but maybe he thought that his explanation of wanting alone time with her might hurt you more.

His heart was in the right place and he did a good thing.

Maybe do something cheap or free all together.

omg let the child have a nice day out and quality time with her dad!

How much was it? Are finances really that tight?

remind him how much he saves with you bring free childcare.

As you live together and presumably share finances and diary planning it’s odd he booked it without telling you. I can see why you’re upset as it feels like a sign he’s using you and doesn’t see you as part of their unit unless it suits him.

You’d be making a mistake to not say anything, it won’t ruin it by telling him you feel his involvement of you in their lives is conditional and that you’re upset by how he’s gone about this.

If you’ve recently decided to ttc you’re probably feeling extra sensitive to the dynamic between the three of you and looking for signs of his commitment to you and how life would be with a shared child to consider.

One to one time is really important, if you know you’d have been fine with him booking for just the two of them if he’d told you in advance then say so. Perhaps he doesn’t feel you’d have supported which is why he booker before telling you.

DH does things with each of his older kids separately, both together and all together including our DD, but we have shared shared money and are constantly discussing who’s going to be where when and what’s coming up so I’d be very surprised if he booked anything without discussing it and I wouldn’t do it either.

I would be upset by this. Seems you’re good for the grunt work but when it comes to the nice stuff then it’s just them. If it was so expensive he should have booked it just for the two of you considering how much you do for her.

Please don’t have a baby with this idiot.

It's nice for them to do something alone sometimes and as you said tickets are expensive, even if you were her mother they may want to do stuff together sometimes, think your reading too much into it. X

This, to say the least. At the moment he's got a convenient nanny girlfriend who will back down if he slights her. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I would definitely postpone TTC for at least another year to see how things go. Make yourself unavailable for all of the school runs, etc. and see what his attitude is. The response will tell you a lot.

I am a stepmum. Sometimes I am included sometimes I am not. It is the way it goes. You will always be an outsider it is just the way it is.

Does all the childcare you do, save him in maintenance?

Expensive is a good reason! Would you rather they didn’t go at all, just because you can’t afford three tickets? It’s OK to do some stuff as a three and some stuff as a duo – in fact, it’s healthy.

I used to be like you, and I understand the hurt. Now I'm jumping for joy if DH takes DSDs out without me for a bit of peace! We've since had two DDs and I book stuff all the time just me and them without DH.

It's hard to understand how you're feeling and seems very dramatic if you haven't been in your situation. I've been there and I get it. In the early days I would have been peeved too, especially as like you I fully took on the parent role. Over the years that's dwindled, mainly due to having two young babies, a full time job and zero extra time. But actually our relationship is better now, I'm not their parent and have relieved myself of that role. I'm now a friend and trusted adult in their life. Likely when you have your baby you'll be waving them off on trips relieved!

And reign in the favours etc doing the school run. It will save you resentment

Good point! Why didn't he treat the two of you to Polar Express while he stays home and does housework or cooks a nice meal for afterward? That's what a kind and caring partner/father would do.

Please do not TTC with this guy, particularly unmarried.

There's no way he'd have done that if he considered you a family, too expensive or not, you don't just exclude a family member from a lovely Christmas Day out. You could have all done something different that costs less per person if family time was important to him.
He's shown what he thinks of you, so start living up to it - no school runs, no looking after her when he's not around, no planning things, no buying his presents for her.
I'd seriously think twice about starting a family with such a callous person who has little regard for your feelings.

This 100%

I’d be upset to miss out but I think it’s normal he wants to do something just them. And honestly it’s more a communication issue. He could have mentioned before booking and said ‘I’d like to do it just us’ or ‘I’d love to invite you but can’t afford it, can you contribute if you want to come?’ Now is a good time to talk about it together and make sure you’re on the same page going forward.

It sounds to me like you shouldn't be planning a baby with this man, you'll never accept his 1 on 1 time with his daughter, and you're making this all about you.

Stop being so self absorbed. And let him go - he deserves someone who respects his father time with his child.

My thoughts too?

As a step mum of 10 years (been together since his kids were little) YABU. My partner does lots of things with his kids one on one. Your an adult and sound quite self centred if your upset about this.

There's no way he'd have done that if he considered you a family, too expensive or not, you don't just exclude a family member from a lovely Christmas Day out.
I couldn’t disagree with this more! Of course sometimes one parent steps back if a treat that’s specifically for the DC is unaffordable as a “whole family” thing. And if OP has a baby there’ll be times she’ll be on the sidelines and her fiancé and his kid will do the activity just them.

Yeah I think in the specific circumstances Yanbu

As you say, it would be one thing if he said “look I really want to spend some 1-2-1 time with Dd, you don’t mind do you?”

Although that said, they could do this at the local park or similar, it doesn’t havent to be the one really big thing. I think the fact it was due to the cost makes it hurtful. Like, as you say, you’re good enough for the grunt work but not the special experience.

I can well believe it’s sold out though as it sells out really early

It's nice they are doing something just for the 2 of them. I've been with dp over a decade and him and dc are very close - going on extra hols just the 2 of them- but I do stuff just for me and dc and they appreciate and enjoy that and so do I. On its on its not a reflection on how he feels about you.

Without discussion this would be a serious red flag 🚩 he is happy for you to do the ‘grunt parenting’ but not special family time.

he can’t afford a ticket for you - so what happy when you have a baby - you don’t go, you and your baby don’t go?