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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mum heartbreak

189 replies

Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:32

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

OP posts:
Skyupsky · 14/11/2022 21:01

Hi I have been in a similar situation myself and it is upsetting! Try your best not to take it too personally and enjoy some time to yourself. 💐

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/11/2022 21:19

Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:46

We have been together for 4 years, I've known her since she was 2, I do school runs, look after her when he's busy, plan stuff for us all to do etc. We are engaged and planning a baby of our own

He should have discussed this with you. Father-daughter time is fine, and expense must be considered, but your feelings should also be considered.

passport123 · 14/11/2022 21:51

Slg84 · 14/11/2022 18:46

We have been together for 4 years, I've known her since she was 2, I do school runs, look after her when he's busy, plan stuff for us all to do etc. We are engaged and planning a baby of our own

If this is a trend then maybe you need to think carefully about the future.....and be a bit less available. let him do his own parenting.

gottachangeforthisone · 14/11/2022 22:02

Do NOT JAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN WITHOUT MARRIAGE...

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 14/11/2022 22:05

You are a bit.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 14/11/2022 22:11

Within 4 years, he's had his child, split with the mother, met you and been with you long enough to start planning a baby together? He's a fast mover.

JohnStuartMill · 14/11/2022 22:18

It sounds like he views you as the childminder/housekeeper.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/11/2022 22:19

.

Hankunamatata · 14/11/2022 22:23

Totally ott and unreasonable just for the fact your usually included in everything- when does he have 1:1 with his dd

FatAntelope · 14/11/2022 22:25

Those things are expensive though. I would begrudge paying for two adults just for one child to go.

Laneyy · 14/11/2022 22:36

My OH is taking our DD away snowboarding he does it every year. I hate the snow me and DD will have our own long weekend away. I enjoy the peace , quiet and nothing to do 🤣🤣. Enjoy yourself OP if you go ahead with TTC you will be grateful for your OH taking DSD places.

bellabasset · 14/11/2022 22:44

@StressedToTheMaxxx OP says dd was 2 when she met him, so dd would be about 6.

I think he should have said he was going to book it though beforehand.

BankseyVest · 14/11/2022 23:02

I'd be upset too op. Sounds like he's not played this very well. If he'd spoken to you beforehand and said he wants to do it just him and his dd, or even said he wanted dd to experience it but can only afford 2 tickets, I don't think you'd be posting on mn. For me it would be the lack of consideration and I'd also feel quite used. Good enough to do the grunt worth but not good enough for the fun stuff

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/11/2022 23:06

I don’t think anyone has mentioned yet that most Polar Express rides only sell tickets in pairs so you can’t buy 3, only a table for 2 or 4 to maximise ticket sales rather than being left with odd seats. For that reason I’m taking DS by myself rather than DH coming.-

This isn’t true. I went with my two children last year, so three of us. Just double checked on their website to make sure it hadn’t changed and it let me put three tickets in the basket.

deeperthanallroses · 14/11/2022 23:32

I can't help but feel a bit hurt, but wouldn't ever make a fuss and ruin it for them
if you don’t say anything and just keep doing a lot for her then you will keep being the unvalued free childcare. Your choice but sometimes it’s better just to be clear about your boundaries. That’s fine, no I can’t do the school run this week it’s not convenient I’m sure you will be fine. She would love her daddy to do it.
(I only mean this if it is one in a pattern of you’re expected to be for the boring bits that take time but not thanked andnot always considered for the fun bits since you know he might enjoy those)
I do this in my marriage anyway - if it’s left to me but also not appreciated I stop. Or choose the fun stuff. That’s why my Dh has done most of the shopping and a lot of the cooking the last couple of years. A few thank yous and I appreciate you would have saved him weeks of labour but hey ho!

Doyoumind · 14/11/2022 23:56

maryberryslayers · 14/11/2022 19:40

There's no way he'd have done that if he considered you a family, too expensive or not, you don't just exclude a family member from a lovely Christmas Day out. You could have all done something different that costs less per person if family time was important to him.
He's shown what he thinks of you, so start living up to it - no school runs, no looking after her when he's not around, no planning things, no buying his presents for her.
I'd seriously think twice about starting a family with such a callous person who has little regard for your feelings.

What absolute nonsense. He booked it with his DD in mind so she could have a magical experience. Why should she have a watered down, cheaper experience and miss one on one time with him because his partner feels jealous? That's a recipe for disaster in the long term.

maddening · 15/11/2022 00:23

Yanbu on the basis that his reason was cost - if he had said that it was a special father and daughter time then jr would have been different.

Sunnytwobridges · 15/11/2022 01:33

This would e been hurtful to me too especially since his reasoning was that the tickets were too expensive and not that he wanted to spend one on one time with her. thats just not a good excuse.

But I would let it go of it this time and hope that he doesn’t use that same excuse again. One on one time is acceptable, too expensive especially with all you do for your SD, is not acceptable.

KatherineJaneway · 15/11/2022 08:09

Orangeteddy · 14/11/2022 20:19

I don’t think anyone has mentioned yet that most Polar Express rides only sell tickets in pairs so you can’t buy 3, only a table for 2 or 4 to maximise ticket sales rather than being left with odd seats. For that reason I’m taking DS by myself rather than DH coming.

i think it’s fine for your DH to go without you but should have discussed with you first

You are incorrect, you can buy 3 tickets.

Desdichado · 23/11/2022 23:07

ChateauMargaux · 14/11/2022 19:21

Stop doing the school run, looking after her when he is busy and paying for things for them to do together.

See what happens when he is left to take the reins. Are you a partner or unpaid under appreciated household staff who is expected to chip in for the good of the household but gets nothing in return apart from crumbs from the table and the promise of one day having another child to take responsbility for while disney dad swans in for expensive days out when he is not busy.

Dramatic much? She says she is usually included in everything. She just has her knickers in a knot over one single outing. She doesn't have to be included in every single thing, especially because money is a factor.

RealityTV · 24/11/2022 01:04

@Slg84, really? The man can't just have an outing with his daughter without you feeling some way about it? Relax! People like you take things too personally and get your feelings hurt over things you shouldn't. He wants to take his daughter out without you, and he is entitled to do that. You're being unreasonable. Even in relationships where both parents are the birth parents, sometimes one parent does things with the child the other parent doesn't do. No one whines about it. Grow up! Everything isn't about you! Plan yourself a nice relaxing spa massage that day and quite the whining! There are more important things to face in life.

Desdichado · 24/11/2022 04:10

Slr86 · 14/11/2022 19:48

I have said I have absolutely no issue with them spending time together and go out of my way to make sure they do nice things together. I have fully accepted being a sm and embraced it as best I can which is why I was upset finding out after. If he'd said he wanted to do it just the 2 of them then fine, it still would have hurt as I like to be involved. I enjoy being part of her life too, is that wrong

You can't say you have no issue with them spending time together and then moan because you aren't included. It is literally one outing and you said yourself you are usually included in activities. You really need to stop being so sensitive and yet over it.

Quietquil · 26/11/2022 12:48

The part that puts this into you are Not being unreasonable is the fact that he didn't tell you, his fiance about it and booked it in secret. This is the part that would hurt me the most. Maybe you should communicate to him that you understand 1 on 1 time, but you would like to be included in the planning, or at least know about it before he buys tickets. You are planning a life together, but buying 2 tickets like that without any communication at all seems weird to me.

Ktcan · 27/11/2022 14:42

Yeah if your not married then ditch them send them a picture of you with your friends partying for that day to your partner. Seems like your being used for childcare. Don't help them if he can pick up the kid or take step child to doctor appointment that is his job

Outtasteamandluck · 27/11/2022 14:44

You are not stepmum