Step mum heartbreak

[Slg84]

My partner bought tickets for the polar express for him and his daughter (my step daughter) but didn't include me as it was too expensive. I'm a very active part of her life and this has hurt me deeply, am I wrong????

Is he right, though? Would 3 tickets have been too expensive?

Where's the bio-mum?
Does DSD live with you?

If he'd wanted to spend some alone time with DSD then fair enough but saying it's too expensive I'd be hurt too 💐

You sound controlling tbh. Ridiculous to be this upset because he wants to spend one on one time with his own child.

How long have you lived together for, and how much time does she spend with you?

Initially I thought that it was perfectly okay for him to do something just with her. And I still do in theory, but the fact that he booked this without any discussion with you and without you knowing anything about it until the booking had been made, does seem odd.

I'd find it annoying and worrying if my live in partner of four years made a decision like that without informing me. To me it would be very different if he'd said beforehand "I'd love to do this with my DD while she's still young and before we have any other children on the scene. But I really can't afford for all three of us to go"

Is he tight as a rule or could it have been reasonably afforded?

But it probably was really expensive and there’s nothing wrong with him thinking it would be just as nice for his dd to with just him.

Honestly but nicely, you are being incredibly silly to be upset. As much as you’re entitled to your feelings, this isn’t about you. It’s about a Christmas treat for a child.

What would your dp have said if you offered to pay for your own ticket out of personal money?

I think his explanation is reasonable (the expense) but also maybe it’s nice for his daughter to get some undivided attention from her Dad before the baby arrives.

Why are you doing so much childcare for your partner’s child? I think it sounds great that he is doing something just the two of them. My encourage my DH to take our DC to days out without me. I enjoy the time to myself. Things could get complicated with another child in the mix though. Does your child get left behind when he wants daddy daughter time?

I initially posted yabu but I have changed my mind since reading your update about your active role in your SDs life. Let him know youre hurt and see what he says.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

How much are the tickets? Maybe two tickets were affordable but three tickets would make it so expensive that nobody could go.

Me and dh have found ourselves in this position in the past - one of us doing an activity because we couldn't afford for us both to do it.

So I do think you're being a bit over sensitive.

This doesn't make sense. You encourage them to have time alone but you are included in everything.

It can't be both.

Hopefully planning the wedding first?

Back off being free childcare and see how that goes across. It may be that you've slotted nicely into that nanny/gf role. See what the relationship is like without the nanny side before you have ch.

Stop doing the school run, looking after her when he is busy and paying for things for them to do together.

See what happens when he is left to take the reins. Are you a partner or unpaid under appreciated household staff who is expected to chip in for the good of the household but gets nothing in return apart from crumbs from the table and the promise of one day having another child to take responsbility for while disney dad swans in for expensive days out when he is not busy.

What's your financial situation like? If your partner is on minimum wage and a ticket is like his DD's present budget, I can see why he might only buy 2 tickets.

Having read your updates, you might need to try and consider if you are being taken advantage of in terms of being a skivvy and unpaid childcare.

I don't think you're being silly in the slightest.

I'm sure if your dp said to you that he really wanted to take dd by himself and do something it wouldn't have been an issue - as you say you buy them things to do together and without you.

This is shit communication and anyone would feel left out in this position OP. If your family has any hope of sticking it out and being a successful blend then communication will be key.

I think YABU tickets for those kind of things are really expensive and you haven’t said that it would be easily affordable for you.
We regularly do things with our dc and just one of us adults.

"Heartbreak" is a bit OTT.

But I imagine that you and your partner discuss it first?

Married with two DC. Quite normal for only one of us to take them to an activity like this if it helps keep the cost down.

I understand why you're upset by it, but might it actually have been the money? I booked tickets to a show recently just for me and DS, as thought it was too expensive for DP (who is DS's dad) to come as well. I weighed it up and thought I can't quite afford to buy 3 tickets, can afford to buy 2, and I really want to take DS. It wasn't an indication at all that DP is "lesser" in the family. Although I must admit, I did explain to him the cost and he agreed and wasn't bothered. Had he been upset I would have stretched to buy another one.

Is this a one-off or does he do this often?

If the latter then I wouldn’t rush into marriage and babies with this man until you know what he really expects the relationship to look like (and whether that’s what you want).

There’s nothing wrong with him doing nice things 1:1 with his DD, but the way he’s set this up is inconsiderate. If he expects you to offer practical and financial help then you should be a real team, not a pretend one when it suits him.

Seems like you’re just a part of her life when it suits him.
Id be fuming that he was a tight ass and I’d be telling him to do all the school runs from now on. Asshole.