To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

No. She needs help with her mental health and anxiety - is her GP aware?

Yes - she’s on loads of medication for it already. I have organised a GP appointment for her which led to a mental health referral, have been chasing that up every day for the last week for her…

18 months isn't very long, she must be grieving still. How old is she, and do you have room for her?

She absolutely is still grieving and I genuinely do feel for her. She’s in her late 70s and we sort of have room… have a spare bedroom that we also use to work from home.

I wouldn't! It sounds like she'd never move out again. I don't think it's fair on you or the other people living in your home.

She needs support with living as independently as she can - otherwise you will end up just becoming a career

Carer

That’s my worry - I already feel like her carer even though I don’t live with her - I probably spend at least a couple of hours each day either on the phone to her or sorting something out for her and I’m exhausted and not coping already. And I just don’t want to be a carer. Which probably is selfish. But true.

I expect most people will say don't do it, but if it will help her, and that's what she wants, then I can't see any valid reason to refuse. No, she might never move out, but if you could make her final years happier, then why not?

I guess the reason to refuse is because it’s not what I want to do, not what my husband wants and not what the kids want. Is that valid or just selfish? I don’t know.

Absolutely no way. You're being smart and pragmatic, not heartless. You have to think of your own sanity and your right to a peaceful home. Sounds like you're doing more than enough for her as it is

Not wanting to and it not being right for her family is a perfectly valid reason no to

Sounds like she's lonely, can you not get her into an assisted living place, with people her age going through similar life experiences. Don't think living with you is the answer! Xx

I'd be tempted to say she can stay for a week for a rest, but only you know if you can cope with that. It might really perk her up and actually make things easier

Have you got siblings?

If she's in supported living why aren't they helping her? That's part of their role.

I would maybe have her stay once a fortnight overnight on a weekend, if you can cope with that. Have a nice meal as a family, watch a film or something and it's something for her to look forward to. I wouldn't have her move in if your uncomfortable as she's only 70 it could be another 20+ years of her living with you.

Nope no siblings (have spent the last 18 months especially desperately wishing I did have siblings to share some of this with!)
We’ve found an assisted living place for her very close to us but she’s now saying she thinks she might be too anxious to manage the journey there to look at it (and they won’t let her move in without her seeing it first to check she likes it)…

Then the answer is no.

Ah perfect OP Yellowdahlia is volunteering to take her in and look after her for you, you’re sorted.

You are not being selfish OP, it sounds as if this will have a seriously detrimental effect on your kids. You are doing a huge amount to support her already, you really don't need to take her in.

Because it is a terrible idea for op to sacrifice her happiness and potentially her own mental health, along with her family's for her mother. She is already doing too much!

I know she’s grieving etc but a firmer hsbc msg be needed. ‘Mum we are taking you to look at this place as options are limited. I’m doing my best to help you but I’m exhausted with managing everything and I need you to agree to this.’ Tell her it’s this or you’ll have to get a social worker to assist. I would also push GPS and social services to provide as much support and signposting as possible to take more weight of yourself.

And because you don’t want your relationship with your mum to be strained. Might be best to emphasise that in saying no.

As I thought, most people will put their own wishes first. In the past it was quite common to have grandma living in the family home.

Don't do it. My lovely uncle and aunt did exactly this and it ruined their marriage. Just put her in the car and take her to see the new place, stand your ground.

Yes imagine women putting themselves first. Don’t they know they’re supposed to be all purpose skivvies and martyrs?