To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

I wouldn't.

I cared for my mum for 5 years after my dad died, and at one point we were thinking of her moving in with us but at the time she didn't want to and I'm so glad she didn't. I struggled to get any help from SS when she needed carers and when they released her from hospital after a broken hip, and then a broken wrist. If she'd been living with me I know I would have had no help at all.

If your mum is late 70s she could live another 10/15 years, especially if you're running around looking after her.

My grandmother died in the 80s with Alzheimer’s. My father told me the GP (a family friend of many years) had said not to have her living with us. He’d said the priority needed to be his immediate family (2 small children and a Wife who had a good few MH issues of her own). Good luck OP.

Op, as difficult as things are you need to remember two things:

1. Your mother is still a fully functioning capable adult, despite her bereavement, she can and will manage and accept her situation eventually.

2. It is IMPERATIVE that you do not give in to this demand and sink under the weight of it. You have yourself, your children and your life to sustain, and you are in a state of bereavement as well. How much support are you getting?

Stand your ground, take dm to the assisted living, she is saying she can't go because she doesn't want to - not because she can't. It is the assisted living or nothing. Your house does not come into it.

You can and should not feel remotely guilty. If she moves in you will have the crying and depression 247 7 days a week with no respite. This way you can limit how much support you offer, how much you can take on and recover in between.

Please organise a bereavement counsellor for her twice a week, so she can offload on someone else. Organise other family members and friends to get involved with supporting her. Get your children on board and include her in days out that are not about her going over her sadness. Please put her in touch with alcohol support.

You can't 'save' her from herself op.
You will just go down with her.

Hold firm, look after yourself.
Remember your oxygen mask needs to go on first, or you can't help anyone else.

It will be okay op.

OP you are already going above and beyond with your very caring actions. I agree with those who think it's not a good idea to move your mother in with you. You have to think of your own family and your own mental health - it's not wrong to do so.

Yep, thats the solution. Trade off your hapiness by being guilted into having her 🙄. No would be my answer. You are already doing enough.

I have a life limiting condition but under no circumstances would I ever allow DC to look after me and by the same token I wouldn't let MIL move in with us (my DPs died years ago) although she hints heavily. It's not just because she never looked after DC either or her own parents. She is highly manipulative and it would change the whole dynamic of our household. It's bad enough her taking over for a few days at Christmas. Whenever it comes up I suggest DH goes to her house, it quickly gets dropped because although I'm ill myself they know it's me it would affect most. Don't do it.

@PinkyU that’s the plan - that she moves to supported living about 10 minutes from us (currently she’s 250 miles away) and we could obviously visit far more often. But she has to come and see it first. My lovely DH has offered to drive her there and back but she’s now saying she doesn’t know if she can manage that.

My FIL is in an assisted flat and loves it. They run events for the residents and the social life is great. He's always doing games nights, karaoke, films etc.

I would strongly encourage her to look at the flat even if you have to insist and strong arm her.

I think it's a nice idea generally for old folks to live with their adult children but that only works if everyone else in the house is on board with that and that you are at home with her. It's no good if you are already run ragged with work and childcare yourself.

My mother in law did that with her own mother with massive impact on her own mental health and that of her children. That was and is extremely common.

My neighbour had her parents living with her from their late 70s. They were both close on 100 when they died. Her life was hell for many years.

I would push for her to move into the assisted living space and perhaps take a week off work to help her move and settle. Maybe after that have her round for an evening a week or take her out for coffee - spending actual time in her company rather than endless phone calls. And definitely restrict the calls to 10 minutes of newsy chat every couple of days.

It's hard, and guilt inducing but I think making your and your families lives miserable isn't a good pay off for your Mum feeling better by living with you.

And that's from someone who does have a very elderly, infirm relative living with them.

@Cowardlytiger You are not being selfish or unreasonable by not wishing to have your Mum living with you. You are already giving her lots of support and are feeling the strain. Sadly, mental health problems are so difficult to cope with and often long term, your Mum needs professional help and with the best will in the world you cannot give her that help, so please don’t feel guilty, otherwise you will end up becoming ill.

I struggled the same way after my dad died. My mum grieved but in time used that grief and 'weaponised incompetence' to control everything.

I had to be firm at some points to say eg if she didn't at least go and see the flat then I wouldn't be able to help with accommodation issues going forward. As I believe this is the best option so I need you to at least view it. If you don't like it, that's fine, but you'll have to find another option. And I'm sorry to say, that's not living with us, we love you but you need to find your new life. Etc

Definitely supported living closer to where you live, unless she has a decent network of friends that she would miss were she to move?
Agree don't have her move in, it sounds like it wouldn't work for you/your family.

I grew up in a household with my grandmother living with us from when I was aged 12, my parents and uncle alternated one month each.

it was horrific as a child, she was a horrible horrible woman.

she died after fifteen years, the last years she was incontinent in adult nappies and bed
bound.

I wouldn’t wish the situation on anyone. It’s horrible for all the house occupants, everyone is held hostage to the elderly persons moods.

I would say no. Your mum sounds lonely and moving in with you is not the cure all solution for this. The assisted living place sounds like a good option. An (anxious) older relative of mine absolutely hated the idea of assisted living, but in reality they got on quite well when they eventually moved there. Having a flat was smaller to manage, they had people around them if they wanted to chat and socialise, and their own space if they didn't. They were also close to the town so they could potter out to the shops, doctors, library, or go to clubs whenever they wanted, rather than relying on the bus/lifts.

My mum (60s) sounds similar and already often says she won't be able to cope alone without my dad if that scenario happened, and is testing the water to see if she'd be able to move in with me in the future if it came to it. She would actually prefer I didn't have children so I have more time to care for her when she gets old. I'm trying to get across to her that it will be difficult for our relationship and she would never feel 100% comfortable living under my roof, and helping her to think about alternatives that would give her more autonomy over her later years.

Even if it makes op and her family miserable?

Taking in an elderly relative, especially one in late 70s who potentially has many years to live alters the dynamic of the whole family. Do you invite her to every family outing, like cinema trips ext...or not? Do you actually change the choice of cinema trip because 'grandma wouldn't like that. Is she involved every time someone pops around for coffee or does she retire to her room so you can have a private hat or laugh with friends ...we all need to be able to open up to friends sometimes. Are her friends, relatives she wants to see welcome any time, with reasonable notice or are you going to get resentful when they take over the living space and you find yourself running around making cups of tea and playing willing host. Will you end up making mostly food she likes ...grandma doesn't like herbs and spices ...or burgers. Or will she cook separately so you have to fit around each other. Is she going to hear every family row. Will she subtly ...or not subtly ...give her judgements/advice/observations on your relationship or how you bring up the children. Will you be comfortable making love when she's in the next room with a thin dividing wall? How will it work when she gets older. Is she coming on family holidays or are you leaving her in the house alone? All of this is the tip of the iceberg. I love my mother dearly. I ring every day. Take her to appointments, shop for her, do some of her washing, have her over every Sunday for lunch ...but she is not coming to live here. She hasn't asked and I won't be offering. I know my own limitations and what it would do to my relationship. Deep admiration for anyone who has done this and made it work but it's definitely not for me.

i moved my husbands grandma in. I was finding that i was spending more time on the phone and going to her flat. It was easier for me to have everybody under the same roof.

I did have a good relationship though and she could hold a baby if needed!

Can I also say you sound like the most caring, wonderful and sensitive person op, your mother is extremely lucky to have you in her life. You have such patience to listen to her day after day for so long. You are already doing more than enough.

Completely valid OP.
I wouldn't do it either.
For In Laws or my own parents and we have room.

Really? What about the OP's mental health?

No, the pressure on you would be far too much, especially as you have no siblings to share the burden. You have a duty to your own children to protect them. Would you expect them to do this for you?

You have found your mum a very good solution, you have to be firm I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that you have to be firm with her that this is the ONLY option open to her. Maybe the doctor could prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for the trip or a one off tranquilliser. But you simply can't go on like this.

To be honest, I think having her ten minutes away is far from an easy option either. But having her live with you is an absolute no no. Your kids have to be your priority and having her live with you would be very detrimental to them (and of course would still involve the same 250 mile journey)

I had the same with my mother, she was angling to move in and refused to go to assisting living. But I put my foot down and guided her into it. Best thing we ever did. She really enjoyed it and with people her own age, and admitted that living with 2 young children busy family would've been too stressful for her and us. You have to put your mental health and family first.
We visited all the time, and she came to us more than before. It worked out well.

Your children will not benefit from living with a depressed drunk.