To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

she’s now saying she doesn’t know if she can manage that.

If she can't make the journey to see the assisted living flat, she can't make the journey to live at yours then can she?

Has she been assessed for MCI/dementia?

@Duchess379 what a nightmare. Any external support?

Thank you @CaitoftheCantii I'd send you flowers but I can't find them! 😂

My very lovely and reasonable MIL moved in with us for about three months while buying a flat nearby. It was truly dreadful by the end - and that was without any drinking/smoking problems. You will feel much more badly about your mum if you let her move in - and you won’t be able to change it.
PS once she had her own flat nearby ir was fine.

I would say Don't do this if your Mum wasn't an alcoholic.

She is so I say Absolutely No Way should you even consider it. Not fair on your child, your DH, and you.

And if you do get her into assisted living nearby, how long till she gets drunk and is told to leave?

I think you would need to get her to address her alcoholism before any move near you. If she won't take action about it I think I'd consider LC or even NC.

You can't help her as things stand.

Thanks and I really hope things get better for you. Unfortunately my DH has been totally engulfed by the situation and the vibrant, easy-going and positive man has been replaced by someone I don't recognize anymore. You sound like a very caring and level-headed individual who has been out in a dreadfully hard situation. please be mindful of your own well-being and mental health, I've seen firsthand how a parent with poor boundaries can damage a grown-up child and you need to protect yourself

Op, no, no external help either. I'm hanging on by my fingernails x

Because it will have a massively negative impact on her children and partner.
It is their home too.

Until your update I would have said take her in. Post update, no.

In current climate to even have a place available anywhere is bloody miraculous.
would she get proper care there? Would they be able to step up to one to one day if she went into crisis.do they even accept ongoing addicts.have a treatment plan or team available?
it sounds like your mum has had a major relapse.so whilst I’m complete with sympathy to you I also am to her.as just with any other Illness a relapse is a relapse so I feel horrid that she is suffering so badly again.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · Yesterday 11:00
Why would you say no? She is your mother for heavens sake“

er, because it’s not ideal having a depressed drinker and smoker living with your children, for a start.

Though I don’t want to is all the reason required. Have you read any of OP’s posts?