To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

You will need to be firm with her and make her two choices clear.

Stay put - where it isnt working out and her health is likely to deteriorate, possibly resulting in going into a care home earlier
Go visit assisted care home - to see if it would work for her, possibly allow her to live independently for much longer

Make it clear there is no 3rd choice (living with you). I had to have a similar conversation with my mum it isn't easy, but I have no regrets.

I agree with you, isn’t it strange that emotionally abusive mothers always seem to selectively forget their behaviour when they get old and expect us to look after them. My mother told me I was a mistake when I was young , so I didn’t make the mistake of buying into her emotional blackmail.

(although I probably sound very negative about it all here) I do understand that she is in ab awful place and desperately needs help and support (and more than the NHS is giving her at the moment). So I feel bad for her. But I just can’t have her live with us

and what about your grief, losing your father? How bad does she feel for you? family isn't a one way street.

No. She is 70 not 90! More than capable she just needs to re learn how to live! Support her with that, if you move her in you could have 25 years of being her carer.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen
Just wanted to send hugs & say I am thinking of you & anyone else in / who was in an awful situation. x

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable both ways, but it could maybe be too much for your kids and marriage. I actually think in the long run it’s better to get her in her own place and look after herself. I saw someone else post about letting her sleep over once a fortnight or week. I think that would be better.

Even without the drip feed I think she is being very selfish.
My own mum had to move her mum to a nursing home last year, and she should have gone there years before! But she said she would never forgive them (her and siblings) if they put her in a home so they struggled for years trying to work and care for her.

My mum now wouldn't dream of putting that situation onto me or my sister. Especially with young kids in the mix.

Maybe this has already been covered, but if she is 'too anxious' to make the journey to visit the assisted living near you ... how would she not be too anxious to make the same journey to live with you? It's the same journey.

Your mum has issues with alcohol and anxiety which makes people very selfish. She wants to live with you so she is refusung other options.

YNBU OP, she can't live with you.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen
Your story is very harrowing, but you are absolutely not to blame.
Your mother’s damage was too deep for you to begin to put right.

A true story of an ex addict ( Caspar Walsh) described enmesment with his father-
Caspar had a complicated relationship with his addict father ( Who could be utterly charming at times)

Caspar’s father chose to commit suicide, and it was shortly after Caspar had not picked up the phone to his Dad, because he didn’t hear the calls.
The answerphone contained messages.

Caspar said it was 3am.
He didn’t want to call his dad back, but had a bad feeling.

Suffice to say, his dad had taken his own life.

It is a beautifully written book, and describes the mixed emotions of losing a parent in this way so honestly - It absolutely wasn’t Caspar’s fault that his complex dad had chosen this way out.

Suicide of a parent is tough.
The book is “ Criminal “ by Caspar Walsh.

It may resonate with you.

You absolutely are not to blame.

🌼

That's the perfect reason to refuse, you're putting the needs and wellbeing of 4 people before 1 person.

It's also okay to step back a bit from what you are doing, but would be kind to do so gradually. I'm fully prepared to help my parents with life admin, I do a lot of it, and shopping/cleaning and have the means to pay for some things to make their lives easier. But I also have chosen to bring DC into the world and have a desire to bring them up in a happy home, and not introduce extra stress into everyone's lives.

I don't think you meant to quote my post. It seems we agree.

It would be important to address her grief and mental health before even considering this move . I would say she needs support to grow her own life, see what it looks like before making any major decision's. In fact it may keep her like this is she has unlimited company living with you and may get used to it rather than discovering new area s of life.

If she remains the same , then supported living , with communal facilities may be a good option .

Having read this update, no, I don't think she should move in with you

Can I just say how grateful I am to everyone who has shared their thoughts and especially those who’ve shared difficult stories of their own? It really has helped (at least today!) and though it hasn’t solved the problems I feel stronger and supported. Mumsnet at its best!

Definitely don't have her move in, your reasoning is valid. Organise the sheltered accommodation and everything else, up to what you actually have the mental and physical capability to do. Also it sounds as though you don't have room as you have a small study which you need to work in. And if you do but she end up needing ground floor accommodation, a stair lift, an adapted bathroom, that is going to be very difficult in your home and much easier in sheltered or finding something different for her to move on to. Look at getting her Attendance Allowance in fact have a complete rights-and-benefits review with CAB or Age UK or Carers UK whatever organisation can help in your area. There are some really good local organisations for Carers too. And you ARE a carer legally (so make sure your GP knows that as it opens doors to more support and earlier immunisations for you and often generally better treatment and prioritisation) but what you are saying is that you don't want to become a FULL TIME carer and that is okay.

No you aren't being selfish . Your own family come first and you aren't
responsible for your mothers happiness .

❤️ I hope you are able to find a way forward that works for you x

Not selfish at all. If she spends an hour a day moaning to you on the phone, if she comes to live with you she'll have an opportunity to do it for much longer. It's utterly draining - I had one who did that (all she wanted to do was vent about everything being awful and dad being terrible).

Just want to echo what so many others have said, that you really shouldn’t move your mum in with you (not even for a night!). I also think you should cut down on the daily phone calls - they’re not helping either of you and are clearly having a negative impact on your well-being. It’s ok to put yourself first and don’t forget, you also need space to grieve too.

I have a similar situation with my mum, she has extremely poor mental health and is an alcoholic. Shes reclusive and use to call me offloading regularly, crying about her life and saying how down she was. But any suggestions of help (therapy, group activities, rehab etc) would get shut down. For many reasons, I no longer have contact with her and my mental health has improved so much. Not suggesting you go no contact, just sharing my experience. Good luck!

Hey OP, I don't have much to add apart from a message of solidarity. My MIL is recently widowed and in her late 60s. She lives overseas and is putting pressure on my DH to let her move in. She also has alcohol issues that I wasn't aware of prior to my marriage. She phones my DH up to five times a day, often when drunk. His mental health which already took a bashing due to his father's death is now in shreds. her phonecalls dictate the mood of the whole house. We have a one year old and we both work (and DH sends money home). She refuses to engage in any solutions or to make financial or practical plans for her future, either in this country or in the country she is living in now. We hosted her for two months last year after FIL died and then for a shorter period this year. I don't want to derail the thread with my own problems but it was hard, hard going and my marriage really suffered. The thought of that becoming my daily life is too awful to contemplate. she is controlling, manipulative, smokes like a chimney and treats DH and I like naughty children who are incapable of running out own lives. DH feels extremely guilty about her predicament. What his mum is doing to him is simply awful but he is so deep in the FOG he can't see it. You sound like a lovely daughter who is doing their level best to do the right thing by both their mother and their DH and kids. But please, please stick to your guns and don't let her move in with you. You can support her and advocate for her WITHOUT her living under your roof. I grew up with an alcoholic and it was very damaging. your instinct to protect your children and your marriage is CORRECT

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain 💐

Don't do it!! I have both my parents living with me due to their ill health. I'm on the verge of self harming!! It's bloody hard work & unrelenting. Both my parents are in their early 70s... 🤦🏼

@Olinguita thank you for the solidarity. Yes - the daily phone calls are actually a massive improvement - we were on 4-5 times / day and I dread my phone ringing. The description of her phone calls dictating the mood of the house is so familiar. I sympathise with your DH - my mental health is also in bits now - and also with you - hoping you can find a way forward.

@Duchess379 that sounds so hard and you sound so exhausted… do you have any support?

Op, nope, no support. I'm their only child so no siblings to fall back on. Extended family live all around the country. It's definitely not fun & I do not recommend it!