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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my mum living with us?

261 replies

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 09:08

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

OP posts:
MadamMaltesers · 14/11/2022 11:23

@Cowardlytiger sorry didn't see the bit about her being an alcoholic. I wouldn't want child around that sort of environment too. I hope she gets the help she needs.

dcontour · 14/11/2022 11:25

OP, no YANBU

But the bit about drinking and addiction really should have been in the first post.
There's no way I would have an alcoholic who had already accidentally set her flat alight staying in my home with my children.

As for the sheltered living thing - if she won't go and look at it then there's nothing you can do, but make absolutely clear to her that moving in with you is not, and never will be, an option. So basically she views the sheltered living place (be prepared for her to hate it evening if you do get her to go...) or she stays where she is..

kingtamponthefurred · 14/11/2022 11:25

Yellowdahlia12 · 14/11/2022 09:41

As I thought, most people will put their own wishes first. In the past it was quite common to have grandma living in the family home.

Show quote history

In the past it was quite common to send children up chimneys and down mines. Times change and there is such a thing as progress.

Morestrangethings · 14/11/2022 11:25

OP,
sorry, I just read the bit where you said your husband would take her to see the assisted living place.

She may still be frightened, but she can absolutely do this.

chances are once she gets in the car she will start to feel calm.

kingtamponthefurred · 14/11/2022 11:28

There's no way I would have an alcoholic who had already accidentally set her flat alight staying in my home with my children.

I agree-and there are no circumstances in which I would have a smoker move into my home.

Original poster
Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:28

@MadamMaltesers thank you - I so hope she can get offered the help she needs and then engage with it. I know she’s incredibly unhappy at the moment 😞

OP posts:
NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 14/11/2022 11:30

Her saying how awful your father was is manipulation, my mother says the same. Since my father was taken ill 16 months ago i have had to deal with her and her demands/lies that it has given me anxiety and my BP keeps spiking and am now on medication to get it down. My teen dd now really worries about my health, so no way would i have her living with us.

You need to put you and your family first.

midlifecrash · 14/11/2022 11:32

You can only continue to help her if you have time away from her. Think about how you would cope if she was coming to you throughout the day or in the middle of the night. You would break down yourself.

forrestgreen · 14/11/2022 11:36

Tbh now you've described her behaviours fully I wouldn't encourage her to move nearby.
And I'd let her get on with how she wants to live. But that doesn't include ringing everyday to moan.

Dragonskin · 14/11/2022 11:38

Yellowdahlia12 · 14/11/2022 09:26

I expect most people will say don't do it, but if it will help her, and that's what she wants, then I can't see any valid reason to refuse. No, she might never move out, but if you could make her final years happier, then why not?

Surely the valid reason to refuse, is that the op doesn't want to?

averythinline · 14/11/2022 11:39

Op.... the chances are she will never be happy with that combination or additictions and mental health issues.

You are not responsible for her happiness...

Talk to al-anon near you if you can find one..... you are not alone
.. we went through this with mil and it was so difficult ....dh an only as well....she wouldn't even consider supported housing....our only saving was she wasn't a smoker... but often left the cooker on

If the supported housing visit doesn't happen...just dont talk about it anymore ..its like a mental torture...just remember it's her choice....
MIL didn't want to change....or move ...or anything really apart from moan/drink....i felt for her and dh but we couldn't sort her life out. .

There will be crisis so I really recommend you reduce your current emotional load .....so you have gas in your tank for those...dh ended up on anti depresents as it got all too much for a while... so get yourself access to some help if you can....

Dodie66 · 14/11/2022 11:40

How far away is she from your home? Could you pick her up and have her for a few hours during the day?

saraclara · 14/11/2022 11:41

Dodie66 · 14/11/2022 11:40

How far away is she from your home? Could you pick her up and have her for a few hours during the day?

At least read OP's posts. It's been mentioned several times that her mother lives 250 miles away

gonutkin · 14/11/2022 11:42

SuperCamp · 14/11/2022 09:49

‘Her final years’ could mean the next 15 years.

Exactly! Which is basically a whole childhood!

SafferUpNorth · 14/11/2022 11:42

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You need to put the wellbeing of yourself and your own children and DH first. Having an alcoholic, smoking, needy grandmother / MIL in the house will be hugely destructive for you as a family.

You need to make it clear to her that the sheltered accomm is her best and only option. By all means help her to find the support she needs for her mental health and addictions. She needs to socialise with people of her own age too, and a sheltered community will hopefully provide that.

Good luck... your scenario is every child's nightmare when it comes to ageing parents. I hope you're able to stand firm and get her settled.

Supersimkin2 · 14/11/2022 11:52

‘final years’ = 20-plus years, two decades, of 24/7 care of a demented, clinically depressed human in your own home will damage you more than it helps her.

A lot more.

oakleaffy · 14/11/2022 11:54

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 09:18

She absolutely is still grieving and I genuinely do feel for her. She’s in her late 70s and we sort of have room… have a spare bedroom that we also use to work from home.

It sounds like she is relying on you far too much.
Hourly tearful phone calls are too much for anyone to deal with after 18 months.

If your mother needs ''Supported accommodation'' then it should be close enough for you to see each other easily, but under your roof..?That would be much harder.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2022 12:00

Could you find/afford some kind of supported housing? That way she would be looked after and have company.

Do you have any other family who could help support her?

Contact Adult Social Services?

whatkatydid2013 · 14/11/2022 12:02

Even if it is selfish that doesn’t make it unreasonable. Why should you always be unselfish? Certainly a parent insisting they want to stay with you when you have limited space and demanding you take on their issues when you have limited capacity is also being selfish. In your circumstances though I don’t even think it really is as you are more weighing up your responsibilities to your children/keeping them safe & happy and those to your mum and you are prioritising the kids.

longtompot · 14/11/2022 12:03

I suspect your mums anxiety about visiting the home is because she won't be able to smoke in there and she will feel judged by them if she is drinking a lot.
My in-laws we're both alcoholics and it's not just the behaviour from them that would have stopped us from having them live with us, it was the effects years of alcohol abuse had on their toileting, to put it mildly.
Yanbu in not wanting to have her live with you. If the home is near where you live, could you have her come and stay for a short while and while she is with you, arrange to take her to visit it.
My in-laws were vile to each other, especially when drunk, but really couldn't have lived without each other. My fil wanted to live with us in my dh office (a cabin at the end of the garden) but we said no. I suspect if he did get his way and live with us, his days would be watching, or rather falling asleep with the tv on very loud, drinking all day, pissing all over the loo floor, the chairs etc and being obnoxious and taking no agency over his life and expecting us to do everything for him.
I do wonder if the people saying they would have their relative come to live with them have experienced what a long term alcoholic is like.

oakleaffy · 14/11/2022 12:05

@Cowardlytiger
I just read all your posts, and absolutely agree that you can't possibly have a smoking, depressed alcoholic in your home.
Doesn't sound as if she even wants to admit to her addiction issues.

Tranquillisers are horribly addictive, but tranquillisers plus booze? A dangerous mix, and hardly surprising that your mother in a stupefied state caused a fire with a cigarette.

You really don't need a drunk of any age around your children.

It's very sad, but it will drive you insane to have her in your house.

Smoke detectors should be in every room of sheltered accommodation, and be a much safer idea for everyone.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2022 12:07

MadamMaltesers · 14/11/2022 10:17

Honestly cannot believe some of the replies on here. Your mother is unwell and elderly and needs your help. Your mum who I'm guessing raised you to the best of her ability. I hope your children don't end up doing the same to you when you are so vulnerable.

If it is going to improve her situation why not give it a go. Even if you say just got a limited amount of time. But to just leave her when she is feeling lonely is just so tragic.

Even more tragic for the rest of the family.

Why don't they count?

And stop with the guilt-tripping. The mother is an addict. Why should she inflict that addiction on another generation?

Rafferty10 · 14/11/2022 12:09

Hi op,

Don't do it, don't let her live with you. It may be difficult to help her at a distance but you can go back to your life.

I have my elderly mum living with me who has Dementia, it has become a massive strain on me, my husband and teenagers, and she and my father have an annex in our house, so more space than you.

We had no choice it was this or a care home. I miss my privacy , my private time with my DH and children. I love my parents but it is very, difficult.

To anyone who thinks saying no is selfish, l would ask have you ever lived with a difficult elderly person who has no understanding of the impact of their behaviour? If not please don't comment.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/11/2022 12:10

She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us)

Choosing not to move a family member with this level of MH problems into your children's home is NOT selfish OP.

You have arranged sheltered accommodation for her.
She needs to take advantage of every aspect of shelter & care provision that can be offered to her - by the establishment she is living in.

(she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either.
That includes MH support.
You are not her counsellor.
You cannot be expected to provide an hour's listening every day. You are not equipped for it, it is unsustainable, & you cannot have this going on in your kids' home.

Until you withdraw, she is going to keep casting you in the role of default crutch. Nobody can manage that long-term. She needs to pour her woes out to professionals, have her meds reviewed, & accept some form of counselling - grief therapy, or more general focus on how to manage her own mental stability.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 14/11/2022 12:11

When my mother was dying I was asked if I was going to be her carer. My answer was a resounding Fuck,No! And I never felt guilty about it. She had a partner, there were other family members, she was an emotionally absent mother all my life and I didn't particularly want to watch her die.
It sounds like you are becoming her parent.
If you don't want her there, don't have her there.