To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

Did you read the same post as I did, the one where the OP said that they have a spare room, but that it's used for WFH? And this was only one of the reasons why this doesn't seem to be a good idea.

Absolute hard no. An arrangement like that (giving up a room in your house and sharing bathroom/kitchen- rather than annex) would still be hard work with a very considerate person who kept out the way. She will want attention constantly. Your kids will probably hate it and not feel able to relax/bring friends home. Your husband will hate it- it’s not his mum! You will feel resentful.

Set boundaries now with your husband about what you are prepared to do and make sure you both feel it’s reasonable:
’she can stay one weekend , one Sunday lunch a fortnight, I won’t be doing personal care but happy to do her shopping.’ That sort of thing. Then you don’t get slowly drawn in to doing everything. As for viewing the accommodation say ‘that’s a shame, I’d be able to pop over and see you more regularly.’

What was common in the past is irrelevant to someone’s specific situation in the present. Lots of things were common in the past that no longer are nowadays. I refer you to the many “grandparents should do full time childcare” threads where posters tell the parent the grandparent has a right to their retirement and has done their time. If we’re talking about generations and how things happened over the years - the GP generation can’t have it all. Won’t do childcare but wants their adult children to care for them after.
if we’re doing generalisations

That "might be too anxious to go" could be interpreted as being a bit manipulative...
no I wouldn't have her come to live with you. Her anxiety will end up completely ruling your lives and your home won't be your own any more.

If the op isn’t coping now doing things for her mum how do you think this will play out for the ops mh over the next year?
How it will impact the rest of the people in the household when her own mh slips?

Caring is very very hard. Something people often underestimate and when it hits it can be incredibly difficult removing the source.

@Cowardlytiger you are not being selfish. You are realising the strain this will put in everyone. And let’s be honest if your mums mh is suffering now how she and you going to cope when she thinks rightly or wrongly that she’s in the way?

This is so, so sad.

I would , and did, do it and in much trickier circumstances than you op with no spare room, a disabled child and a parent with serious physical and mental illnesses.

Yes it was tough but the improvement in both physical and mental health in my mum was remarkable, giving that routine, care and company made a huge difference in the remaining years of her life and changed, for the better, our own relationship.

I would have greatly regretted not doing it now I’m able to look back.

‘Her final years’ could mean the next 15 years.

It's sad that shes grieving someone who was so awful to her

And in the past @Yellowdahlia12, it was uncommon for women to be working.

As the saying goes, the past is a foreign country. @Cowardlytiger is perfectly within her rights - not to say being reasonable - to refuse a request for her mother to come and live with her. And particularly because none of the family want this either!

The OP has already found assisted living accommodation, which will ensure her mother gets the proper care, 24 hours a day, as well as company to stop her feeling alone.

Stop trying to make her feel guilty.

I know it would be so hard but I would do it

She raised you even though it's absoloutley the hardest job in the world to raise kids and you can't give them away (mum of three and I can testify it is the hardest thing I've ever been through)

I couldn't bare to get left if I was in her position and my child had a home full of love and kindness that I could be nurtured in

Yabu but I know how hard and grating it will be to have her with you

You can’t set yourself (and your marriage and your kids) on fire to keep your mother warm. Your mental health matters.

You already know you’re struggling as it is. Absolutely unreasonable to add more to the situation. You can’t do what you can’t do.

Old /grieving she is being selfish...
You have absolutely no obligation to house her op. When I met now dh we had The Chat very very early on that definitely no relatives would ever be moving in.... Your entire household is in agreement..
Your marriage is your top priority.. And your dc.

You need to put your children and yoru own MH first. She needs appropriate professional care. Is she seeing a bereavement counsellor? Does she have a therapist? Could she go to bereavement and group therapy sessions near by?

You need to put a stop to the one hour tearful calls too. Tell her you love her but you need to go now after 15 mins. The truth is, that sort of wallowing misery is a bottomless pit. You could be on the phone for 15 minutes or 5 hours - neither would make her feel better but one would make you feel a lot worse. Remind her that you called her because you love her when you say goodbye. Don't let her decide that your shorter daily calls are a sign no one cares. I was the main support for a suicidal friend for decades and supported my dad too. Neither of them needed or appreciated me specifically - they just needed someone to lean on. But it nearly killed me. It's better to spread the load.

No it's not selfish at all to be considering your husband and children's feelings.

I don't think that having another adult coming to live with you indefinitely is feasible really.

You can still be a caring, loving, helpful daughter if she is living elsewhere.

Please don't do this OP.

I'm nearly your mum's age.

Don't do it. You do plenty to support her already and it absolutely wouldn't be fair on the rest of the family.

Don't do it!!

Thanks everyone, this has been really helpful. With lots of apologies I’ll now add the massive drip feed, which is that my mum frequently gets drunk to cope with her anxiety and has been evicted from a rental flat due to her behaviour when drunk in the last year (we had 6 weeks or so of phone calls at all times of day and night from paramedics / police when that was going on). Plus she’s a smoker and had a house fire in the last year (hence being in a rental flat)… no cause found by the fire brigade but I wonder if a combination of lit cigarettes plus being drunk was to blame). So I think I knew anyway that her living with us was an absolute no (and I’m really worried about how she’ll manage in assisted living / if she will drink there) but tend to end up feeling hideously guilty after conversations with my mum where she tells me how hurtful I’m being..

so, sorry for the drip feed but it has genuinely helped to know that the majority think I’m not being unreasonable even in the best possible version of our circumstances (my mum has very little insight into her behaviour when drunk and will often deny it all)

As harsh as it sounds it doesn't solve the problem it just shifts it from one place to another if she moves in and probably makes it worse as your stress levels increase, she becomes 100% reliant on you as no external support or friendship groups.
Assisted living is the best option for her and it sounds like she is dragging her heels about it.
Be firm but kind simply state this is the best option let's have a day out we csn have lunch and go see it. This will give her people around her own age to interact with, you can easily visit and there is someone on hand of required.

@Yellowdahlia12 It's not fair on @Cowardlytiger and her family though is it! Her mum needs help but if she moves into the house for her final years as you put it, that could be another 15 years or so! Plus she doesn't want her mum living there, her husband doesn't want her living there, so that's not an option.

Apologies if you have already said, but how old is your mum? You might find that if you agree to house her, your marriage might be short lived under the circumstances you have described!

I see a very valid reason, the op doesn't want to. I wouldn't either. It could destroy the lives of the whole family.

Oh ye Gods and Goddesses. So she’s an active addict whose behaviour is so negative it’s resulted in an eviction after quite possibly burning her house down.

No Ma’am. I wouldn’t host her for a single overnight under those circumstances.

Yellowdahlia12 · Today 09:16

18 months isn't very long, she must be grieving still. How old is she, and do you have room for her?“

Irrelevant. OP has already said she does not want to accommodate her mother, which is a perfectly acceptable position.

OP: can you help her to find sheltered or supported housing, where there will be others in the same situation she is in to support each other?

Ok so I take it back

The drinking and smoking make it a big no from me

Yanbu to not allow her to move in however if she didn't have those addictions (the fire!!!? How dangerous) then I would consider it.

I know you're between a rock and a hard place and yanbu but if my mum didn't have those issues even if it was shit for me I would have her with me because she did sacrifice a lot to raise me

Supported living as she sounds vulnerable

Agree with the PP who mentioned cutting the calls back in time. It doesn't mean you don't love her. But you won't be able to look after her at all if you grind yourself down to the ground

Yellowdahlia12 · Today 09:26
I expect most people will say don't do it, but if it will help her, and that's what she wants, then I can't see any valid reason to refuse. No, she might never move out, but if you could make her final years happier, then why not?“

OP doesn’t wanted, which is valid reason enough.

The OP not wanting to us a perfectly valid reason not to.

Sorry but your post is utterly ridiculous. The OP doesn’t owe her mum her own life, she matters too. I have a similar mum and no way in hell would I do this, it would destroy my life. Do you have any experience of caring for someone with mental health difficulties 24/7?

I loathe when people expect others always middle aged women to sacrifice themselves at the alter of caring responsibilities that they didn’t ask for. Can we please start placing just a tiny scrap of value on women’s own lives and happiness?