To say no to my mum living with us?

[Cowardlytiger]

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

Sounds like the most urgent things is mental health and addiction support. She's a danger to herself and others. Whether it's caused by grief, self pity of addiction, until she's in a better head space, nothing will change.

FWIW, I agree with pp who said the phone calls need to stop being so long. She is being manipulative.

Well things are very different now, aren't they. Life expectancy, grown up children still at home and women who work outside the home means that this is no longer an option for many families.

To be honest it's never happened in living memory in my family and that goes back a fair way. I'm in my late 50's and neither my great grandparents nor my grandparents lived with family members. That is true for both sides of the family and they were very different people. I'm not sure it was as common as you make out. In any case that's irrelevant to the op.

Yellowdahlia12 · Today 09:41
CyberSecMum · Today 09:36
Ah perfect OP Yellowdahlia is volunteering to take her in and look after her for you, you’re sorted.

“As I thought, most people will put their own wishes first. In the past it was quite common to have grandma living in the family home.”

yes it was, very often to the detriment of the entire family.

The fact that it will make OP's family utterly miserable and probably lead to her children moving out at the first possible opportunity is an entirely valid reason to refuse.

PinkyU · Today 09:49
This is so, so sad.

I would , and did, do it and in much trickier circumstances than you op with no spare room, a disabled child and a parent with serious physical and mental illnesses.

Yes it was tough but the improvement in both physical and mental health in my mum was remarkable, giving that routine, care and company made a huge difference in the remaining years of her life and changed, for the better, our own relationship.

I would have greatly regretted not doing it now I’m able to look back“

That’s wonderful. OP is not you, though.

I do love my mum and desperately want to help her as (although I probably sound very negative about it all here) I do understand that she is in ab awful place and desperately needs help and support (and more than the NHS is giving her at the moment). So I feel bad for her. But I just can’t have her live with us (or currently even have her overnight). She feels that’s very hurtful and upsetting, which I also understand. But I don’t think I’m going to change my mind. And feel a bit better after this.

I don’t know what I’d do if she didn’t drink / smoke. I guess if she’d never drunk (the drinking has been on and off since my own childhood but I remember being in the car when she crashed into a lamppost drunk when I was about 10 and many more occasions when I couldn’t wake her etc) everything would be different.

Honestly cannot believe some of the replies on here. Your mother is unwell and elderly and needs your help. Your mum who I'm guessing raised you to the best of her ability. I hope your children don't end up doing the same to you when you are so vulnerable.

If it is going to improve her situation why not give it a go. Even if you say just got a limited amount of time. But to just leave her when she is feeling lonely is just so tragic.

My heart is breaking for you this is awful what you are having to even consider and process
Smoking is so smelly as well and it feels so toxic. I always hated it even when I smoked. I just got a vape recently and it works amazingly for me. I didn't believe it would but it did. I smoked on and off since I was 13, can you seee if mum will try this? Get her a good dosed nicotine one of say 20mg. I use the lost Mary ones they are so good.

It isn't fair to expose your children to her flaws. It's very stressful. I totally hear you about having a sibling to process this mess with

Sending you lots of love. For the first time in years I think you have given a really necessary drip feed. It's forced me to look at my own values too. It's nice that you preserved your moms grace even though you knew the truth about her destructive behaviour and as you can see regardless of that the consensus is that is very hard to have a parent at home even if she were perfect and yanbu to not facilitate this

You would be unreasonable to expose your children to her behaviour

You are making the right but hard choice

Xxx

@MadamMaltesers i have to be honest - I want my children to do this to me. I never want them to feel torn apart like this and I would far rather be in a care home than expect them to care for me - and have in fact written an advance directive saying exactly that.

I don't mean this harshly at all, you sound like a lovely person, but would it help you to reframe your perspective if you thought about imposing your mother living with you, because of misplaced guilt and FOG, with all the attendant problems on your DH and DC as being selfish instead?

She's an alcoholic who sounds very selfish. I wouldn't want my children to spend so much time stressing and doing stuff for me just because I couldn't keep my addictions in check.

You do more than enough op, she needs to sort her addictions out and her life out. She's an adult.

Who in your family do you have living with you @Yellowdahlia12 do you think people are entitled to have whatever they want and for other to do their bidding because they want it?!

But to answer your question @Cowardlytiger you're absolutely not BU to say no!

MadamMaltesers · Today 10:17
Honestly cannot believe some of the replies on here. Your mother is unwell and elderly and needs your help. Your mum who I'm guessing raised you to the best of her ability. I hope your children don't end up doing the same to you when you are so vulnerable.

If it is going to improve her situation why not give it a go. Even if you say just got a limited amount of time. But to just leave her when she is feeling lonely is just so tragic“

Ridiculous. We didn’t have children so they would look after us when we are old. What an incredibly selfish outlook.

Yanbu, for the sake of your sanity and your family you can't because it would break you. You can't be the solution to everything for her. She needs to get other things in her life - in every city and most towns there will be lunch clubs, craft clubs, all sorts of things run every day of the week specifically to help lonely people of a certain age to cope with getting through each week. Along with minibus services to help get to them. Moving her in would create far more problems than it would solve.

@stopbeeping she raised the OP because she chose to have her - she didn't have to have a child. It's also not the OPs job to nurture a grown woman.

You may find it the hardest thing you've ever done, not everyone would agree with that. My mum would do it all over again in a heartbeat (preferably with more kids) and she's a mum of 4. She would also be horrified at the idea of forcing herself on her children and putting their marriages under strain (because who wants to live with their MIL).

How old is your mum, @Cowardlytiger ?
Just curious, not that it makes any difference, it would be a firm NO from me too. My late mum had dementia & neither my sis or I had a spare room, BUT it would have been a 24/7 job anyway, neither of us are spring chickens & we just couldn't have done it. If our mum had been asked when she was younger & fitter, she would have absolutely agreed.

@Cowardlytiger It truly is such a difficult situation you’re in, you’re update does complicate it even more.

How open is your mum to discussing her mental health conditions?

Fo you think a compromise would be reachable? I.e mum agrees to move to supported living and accesses appropriate services, you agree to an achievable number of visits given the closer proximity?

It really doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation like some posters seem to be advocating.

I don't know how old your mum is but if she's 70 she could go on another 20 years.... absolutely DO NOT let her move in. Try and get her more help.

Because she's an alcoholic who smokes and burnt her house down?

Prioritising your children over your parent is perfectly valid, and I'd argue the only decent thing a parent should do.

Speaking as someone who did this temporarily for 6 months don’t do it. Worst 6 months of my life, my DM has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She used to come into my room every morning and wake me up with a demand/made up story/verbal abuse. She was in Complete denial about her memory loss, within 2 weeks of us moving her down to us (4 hours drive away) she demanded to go back. Her husband had been her unofficial carer and after he took his own life she expected me to take over doing everything he did, but whilst putting extreme pressure on me to do her admin but treated me like I was scamming her by doing it. The only time I have felt suicidal. I will never do it again. DON’T DO IT.

@SinisterBumFacedCat that sounds absolutely horrendous, I really feel for you and hope you have now had a chance to recover from that time.

I'm with you OP, do everything you can to get her help externally, get her to view the assisted living place by any means you can, but it's not the right solution to have her live with you.

I probably sound very mean here but I wouldn't even have her to stay for a short visit as she'd never leave.

I've nothing useful to share but just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're faced with this @Cowardlytiger it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. FWIW I don't think moving in with you would solve the issues, it just moved them slap bang onto your plate. The root causes to anxiety will still be there unless your mum can deal with them via trained professionals. It's not your job to fix your mum x