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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to my mum living with us?

261 replies

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 09:08

My mum is really struggling at the moment. She has a long history of mental health problems and since my dad died 18 months ago this has all got a lot worse. I’ve done my best to support her (sorting probate, sorting out paying all her bills, speaking to her every day on the phone, finding somewhere for her to live jn supported living close to us) but she says things are still terrible with daily panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time and she hates living alone. But I really, really don’t want her living with us - I have two kids to think about too and, although this sounds very unsympathetic, she is quite hard to deal with (she will cry on the phone to me for an hour or so each day telling me about how awful everything is and how awful my dad was to her etc etc) and I just feel I cannot cope with any more of it - and worry it would not be good for my kids either. But am I just being a selfish cow?

OP posts:

MrsVeryTired · 14/11/2022 10:55

In the past there wasn't supported living so it was more common for grandparents to move in with families or vice versa (and also economical as people would share houses). No need now.
Those who have easy going parents who could fit in to their lives, fine, but that's not the case with a lot of people.

toomuchlaundry · 14/11/2022 10:59

Even before the additional info you provided @Cowardlytiger I would have said no. All the posters saying she should house her mum, what happens when MIL gets lonely do you need to move her in too, and great Aunt Maud who doesn't have children. When does it stop? Who gets priority?

We moved my DM into retirement flat near us after DF died. There is a warden but not 24/7. My DM is elderly but doesn't have the complex issues your DM has. That sort of assisted living would not be suitable for your DM, she would need additional supervision/care if she is likely to burn the place down etc

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/11/2022 11:00

No, I wouldn't do it. In particular, when you have found an assisted living facility near you (where you could visit her often) I would expect her to make the effort to visit it. She is reluctant to do so because she would rather live with you and, as long as the choice is between that and her living unsupported and far away, there is pressure on you to agree to her moving in.

Keep reminding her that it is her choice whether to stay where she is or try the assisted living - those are her options.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/11/2022 11:00

Why would you say no? She is your mother for heavens sake

cptartapp · 14/11/2022 11:00

No decent parent would expect their busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to make such a huge indefinite sacrifice in the prime of their life. Except those putting their own interests first.
Her 'wants' don't trump everyone else's.

toomuchlaundry · 14/11/2022 11:03

@KalvinPhillipsBoots have you read all of OP's posts? Would you move your MIL in?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/11/2022 11:03

That was quite a big drip feed about DM drinking.

Your DM will settle eventually and hopefully find new friends in the supported living accommodation.

I would let her stay 2 night as IME in this situation, the remaining partner dies soon after their spouse.

I felt cautious and annoyed about supporting Dad a lot after DM'S death but if I'd have known he would die before mams 2nd anniversary I would have acted differently.

I was much closer to DM, had Dad died firstly I'd have taken DM in.

Friends have had the same experience if losing both in under 2 years.

Original poster

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:03

@saraclara unfortunately she’s already on loads of anti anxiety medication including (highly addictive) tranquilisers which she’s been taking for years. I am so cross with the GP who prescribed them regularly meaning a) she has another addiction now b) she’s now become completely tolerant to them so there are no options in times of crisis. But that’s another story…

I agree, my kids are my priority and that’s the key reason why she can’t come to live with us. I already feel guilty for them about the impact this situation is having on them (takes up time, I’m permanently stressed etc etc)..

I am a bit terrified about her being 10 minutes away - if she does drink heavily and behave in antisocial ways we will be much closer and much more likely to be expected to pick up the pieces. But I guess at least if that falls apart and she ends up in care somewhere it will both be closer by and we will have given her the best chance possible.

meanwhile I have found a private psychiatrist who will see her via Zoom, let’s see if she agrees to that! (Suggested it yesterday as she’s convinced medication is the way forward and there’s no way the GP can prescribe anything else and she grumbled a bit and said she’d seen 40 psychiatrists in her life and only one was any good!)

OP posts:

TinyBearCub · 14/11/2022 11:04

OP, it's really hard to know the details of your situation so I am sorry if I am making wrong assumptions. Aspects of this sound so much like my mum. MH problems (not treated as she wouldn't engage), drinking, loooong phone calls, triggered by a bereavement, that in my case became abusive. It started out with airing of how shit life had been for her (and it had been) but then turned into abuse of me and my lack of care/input/provision of housing and money for her.

It was always clear she could not move in with us (tiny flat share) although she did try. We used our savings to move her closer into assisted living and I felt so guilty for not doing more. Whatever I ded, it was never enough for her, never would have been. Her problems escalated and escalated and she needed more support. I was forced by SS into being her carer as we now lived so close, which was not realistic due my own health issues at the time. I won't go into details but it ended horrifically and if I had my time again I would not have moved her closer, let alone into my house. I'm glad things came to an end before I eventually had my kids even though she didn't live with us. That's just me and I realise that not all alcoholics (and I think your mum is one) are like this.

Your mum saying she might be too anxious even to travel to see the place was what made me feel the need to post - in my mum's case it was just another way of manipulating me. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide and that your situation is not like mine was.

saraclara · 14/11/2022 11:04

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/11/2022 11:00

Why would you say no? She is your mother for heavens sake

And OP is her children's mother.

Having my demented Gran living with us was traumatic. My mum forever regretted it, and 60 years on I have very vivid and difficult memories of what went on in our house back then. Gran walking through the living room naked when I had a friend round to play (aged 8) was a classic. Oh, and the time when gran set the kitchen alight. And lots more.

OP's mother has major mental health issues which may well scar OP's children. It's just not right to take her in.

TheVanguardSix · 14/11/2022 11:07

I had a mother who lived with us... my short answer is 'no'.
My long answer is 'hell no'.
Yes, grief is a beast and of course, your poor mother is struggling.
That's no reason to catapult yourself into the role of an unwilling carer. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be a carer. She has the option of assisted living. This is the best, best, best thing you could do for her, and don't deviate from that path (she'll push hard to live with you... she'll thank you later for assisted living! And if she doesn't, at least you'll thank yourself!).
Do what is right for you, OP, unapologetically and without any doubt! I've walked this walk. It broke me. Assisted living, all the way, OP. 💐

TinyBearCub · 14/11/2022 11:08

X-posted with you OP.

I am a bit terrified about her being 10 minutes away - if she does drink heavily and behave in antisocial ways we will be much closer and much more likely to be expected to pick up the pieces.

This is what wrecked mine and my DHs lives and we didn't have kids to worry about. No easy answers here but you can't fix everything. You are already doing a lot.

Morestrangethings · 14/11/2022 11:09

OP I’m in my 60s and have Panic Disorder, and another somewhat disabling illness. No way would I expect to move in with one of my kids. I just think my kids and their partners and grandkids have their own lives to live. My illness is not their burden. I see them regularly, when they come to visit.

.I don’t drink nor do I smoke. But no, you wouldn’t want either around your kids and the combination could mean she could very well start a house fire.

I don’t think you are in the wrong.

When you said that you have found assisted living for her, but she was too anxious to go there to visit, I did understand that bit. It’s all new to her and maybe she is not up to making the journey alone. Not sure if someone is taking her or not, but if not - having someone she knows go with her, could mean the difference between going or not.

msbevvy · 14/11/2022 11:10

knittingaddict · 14/11/2022 10:06

I see a very valid reason, the op doesn't want to. I wouldn't either. It could destroy the lives of the whole family.

Show quote history

Why not?

My mum did it and it wrecked her marriage and my childhood.

My Dad started staying out till all hours after work to avoid my Grandma and was a bad tempered drunk when he finally got in.

My Mum's health suffered and she ended up in hospital after it all got too much for her.

Original poster

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:11

@TinyBearCub it sounds like there are many similarities. Her MH problems are sort of treated in that she’s on bucketloads of meds for them (some of which are even appropriate!) but she generally thinks the mental health / substance misuse teams are rubbish and doesn’t engage brilliantly. I am really anxious about her moving closer but it’s tricky - I first suggested it before she’d started drinking ahain (she’d been dry for several years) and quite possibly wouldn’t have now… but it’s what she says she wants and I’m repeatedly told she has capacity so… that’s what we’ll carry on with I feel permanently guilty, both for her and for the rest of my family, but don’t know any of the answers. I don’t want to be her carer though. The only upside is that she has plenty of money so paying for carers won’t be an issue.

hugs to you, it sounds so hard.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 14/11/2022 11:12

Surely the fire risk alone is reason to say no?

Original poster

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:13

@Morestrangethings the plan is my husband will do the 500 mile round trip to bring her to see it, I’ll be with her while she’s there (they let you stay for 2 nights to see how you get on) and then he’ll drive her back again. So I don’t think we can make it any easier 😞

OP posts:

SunshineAndFizz · 14/11/2022 11:13

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/11/2022 11:00

Why would you say no? She is your mother for heavens sake

So she doesn't expose her kids to an alcoholic smoker who might burn another house down?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/11/2022 11:15

Your mum saying she might be too anxious even to travel to see the place was what made me feel the need to post - in my mum's case it was just another way of manipulating me.

It does sound like manipulation.

Life is forever changing, this is a new chapter.

Insist that she at least visits the place.

She might enjoy living with people her own age, making new friends, start living again.

She either stays where she is or the assisted living accommodation.

Frazzled2207 · 14/11/2022 11:16

my mother is a similar age and I often wonder about this but unless as a temporary arrangement I absolutely would not let her live with us. Is easier for me to say though as I think she would hate it too.

yanbu generally

but the smoking and alcoholism would make it an absolutely definite no. But sadly that will make it even harder to house her appropriately

safetyfreak · 14/11/2022 11:16

It sounds like you are already her carer, you provide emotional support and you support with her finances, paperwork and appointments.

Does your mum have memory problems? the MH issues could be the start of dementia?

You could always hire a PA to support your mum with those things and with emotional support, that put less pressure on you. Only if your mum agrees obviously...she sounds socially isolated which also does not help.

Also if she has addiction, there are support groups out there for that.

TheVanguardSix · 14/11/2022 11:16

You CANNOT have drunk granny living with the kids. 10 minutes away is tough but it is still way, way, way better than no mintues away. Be strong. Assisted living! This is your mantra. 💪

Kittenmitten22 · 14/11/2022 11:17

I've just posted my own thread about living with my mum. Different circumstances but no, you aren't unreasonable. It's bloomin difficult, and now I feel so trapped. So do think hard about what's best for you and the children. No matter how guilty you feel. Just be there for her and help her find help.

Frazzled2207 · 14/11/2022 11:18

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:13

Wow is that how far she is away from you? Even if This place doesn’t work out it I think you need to find her somewhere near you to Live.
I’m an OC too- is tough- and i’m 50
miles away from mine. Although we don’t really get on it’s a bit too far IMO.

TheVanguardSix · 14/11/2022 11:20

Cowardlytiger · 14/11/2022 11:13

She's a pain in the arse, your mum. But she's your mum. I'm sure she has her good qualities but... poor you, OP. That's so tough. She seems to have no problem making impossible demands of you. You don't have to excuse her unloving acts. She's an addict and addicts are extremely self-centred, manipulative, likable, lovable, human, flawed. Just look after yourself because she's not looking after you.

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