Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Every situation, every parent/child/grandparent different.

The role of a good grandparent is to support their family and not to judge too harshly since generations have differing standards of what is and is not acceptable.
A good grandparent has an ear always so children and grandchildren can come to them and voice their worries/triumphs/fears

I’d like to completely agree with you, but life is more complex than that. And there are different levels of support. Grandparents can’t be automatically obliged to spend large amounts of time supporting their grandchildren because so much depends on the stage they’re at in their own lives and the choices their adult children have made for themselves.

The "role" is what you make it. I hope to be involved in my grandchildren's life when they come but probably not so much childminding/practically.

My parents aren't interested at all. My kids hardly know them. It's taken me a while to come to terms with this but it's their choice. Albeit a sad one from my pov!

Yes you're taking on the "responsibility" of being a (possible) grandparent but how do you decide what that responsibility entails?

Calling once a month to check in wth everyone? Babysitting full time whilst parents work and any weekend they ask? Putting a tenner in the card at Christmas and Birthdays? Basically acting as a walking cash point?

If you're the sort to basically be disengaged and not see them, not call etc you were prob also not a great parent prior to that anyway

It depends what you mean by “support them”. If you mean maintain a positive and loving relationship, communicate regularly, show interest in what the grandchildren are doing in terms of sports, music, activities outside of school, etc, spend time together without acting like it’s a duty then you are not being unreasonable.

But on here we see a lot of posters assuming that their parents will provide free childcare for their children and not just on an occasional evening so that they can go to the cinema, but full-time so that they can go back to work. I’ve seen posters on here where you can sense the steam coming from their ears because they are so angry that their parents have said “no” to looking after babies and toddlers for 5 full days a week. I usually hope that the same thing happens to them when they reach their later years and are ready to slow down and their child is a parent themselves and asks them to provide full-time childcare. And I’ve also seen that argument used: ”my mum chose to have children so you must have known she would be a grandmother one day so she chose this”. That’s the unreasonable part.

Times have changed though.

My dgm was very involved with us and took care of us while dm went to work.

My dm is a fabulous granny but is still working at at 70 (by choice). She simply doesn’t have the time to commit to regularly taking care of dc and because she’s still working she’s obviously more tired. That being said she would always be there in an emergency.

You can't judge other people and you can't decide that they 'owe' you for the rest of their life, frankly.

I had children in my early 20s. I'm now late 50s and unwell. I don't actually have grandchildren, but I don't feel 'obliged' to fulfil whatever grandparent role my DC decide I should do. I'd be supportive of their choices and hope to be interested in what my DGC are up to.

I'm not well enough/financially sound enough to offer childcare or money. My DC are now in their 30s and should they decide to have children then they are adult enough to cope without me presumably. I don't feel that I have to continue being 'Mum who does everything' for the rest of my life, which is what your post sounds like with 'A lifelong commitment to help your children'.

I disagree with the OP. The best possible outcome as a parent is to fledge one’s children - to send them out into the big wide world as whole, healthy adults who can survive all that life throws at them from their own resources. If they can’t cope with being parents themselves, they are not fully fledged.

If a grandparent chooses to help their child to be a parent, that’s fine. But to suggest that having a child includes an ongoing obligation to childcare responsibilities into old age is complete nonsense.

What does "taking on the responsibility of being grandparent" mean, though?

Full-time childcare?
Regular childcare?
Regular visits and family meals/days out?
Helping out on special occasions or in emergencies only?

What happens if you become a grandparent while still being a parent to underage children?
What about if you're working full-time or have caring responsibilities for elderly parents or other family members?
What if the grandchildren are severely disabled and you're not physically capable of providing help? What if you're disabled or frail yourself?

There are too many different scenarios for their to be one way of doing things.

Granny here, our family live a couple of hours away. One was nearby when DGD was tiny and I looked after her one day a week. Nursery was the default for all DGC as our DC were established in their careers before they decided to have children, but we've babysat when needed and been involved.

We don't interfere just try and support and it's reciprocated. They don't need financial help, just the odd bit of our time.

Good grandparents probably were good parents. Unfortunately a very high number of parents never wanted to be/ suck at it/ move on to other interests once the kids leave.

Plus grandparents are often past their prime in terms of full on caring for children. They probably want an hour or two, maybe a meal then everyone to bugger off and leave them in peace. The idea of grandparents taking toddlers to the park or daily childcare fills me with concern. Bored kids act up. My parents generation are hardly about loving understanding, it was all about slaps to keep you 'in line', so I literally wouldn't trust them to be alone with my children.

YANBU

im always sad to read the really bitter posts on here from those who’ve ‘done their time’

Im glad this isn’t something I or anyone I know deals with, my parents are very active in their DGCs lives (my dad lives the other side of the world but calls 2-3 times a week for FaceTime, and regularly flies back for their birthdays etc.)

Mum dropped down to part time the week after my first was born so she could support physically and emotionally. She also moved closer to look after them 2-3 days a week

Many people here seem to think that being a grandparent (usually grandma) involves providing childcare while Mum works full time and that is talked about as though it’s some old traditional thing of the village raising your child.
No, what is traditional is that granny was around at the same time as Mum who also didn’t work - and was a second pair of hands to help out sometimes.

It’s certainly not normal or healthy to expect your Mum to do lifelong free childcare. And realistically if you want Mum to do free childcare while you work full time then by the time your children have kids you won’t be able to do that - as you will likely still be working.

This generation of women expecting their mothers who may have worked less when young to do childcare so they can work full time will surely be singing a different tune when they are grandparents about what can be “expected” of them.

I am a grandmother and my daughter has a medical problem that means she gets tired easily, forgetful and constant headaches. I look after my GD 4 days a week while DD works, help out evenings and weekends as well. I love my daughter and GD so it is a pleasure.

@ApplePieFry

Done their time usually doesn’t refer to not seeing or caring about their grandkids but rather being used as daily childcare by their daughter as she goes back to work. Something which some Mums get quite bitter about their mum not providing and try to act as though grandma providing free childcare for working Mums is some kind of old tradition when it’s anything but.

There are a lot of people who think that being a good grandparent automatically equates to unlimited free childcare. It doesn’t.

When I was growing up my GM lived about 4 hours away. We visited about 3 times a year. On very rare occasions me and brother, as teenagers, travelled by train and stayed over for 2 nights. That happened about 4 times. GM came to stay with us on occasion but not often. Maybe once every 4/5 years.

DM and GM chatted on the phone about twice a month. My brother and I don’t feel we missed out by not having our GM around constantly. She was our GM. We had a good relationship with her. It was what it was.

I have my GC twice a week for my DS and DIL to work, and occasionally to sleep over if their parents are going out. I help out with birthday parties and Christmas activities. Sometimes I’m invited to theirs for Sunday dinner. Sometimes they all come to me.

I work two days/evenings a week and have 3 days to myself (my youngest are teenagers so apart from doing dinner and cleaning up, like most mothers they are fairly self sufficient).

We all know where we stand in terms of childcare and spending time with the GC and it works great for us.

Many GP’s still work full time and see their GC when they can - or not if they have no desire to. Every family is different.

There’s no hard and fast rule about how much time a GP must spend with their GC.

@thelobsterquadrille

Im betting “the responsibility of being a grandparent” means a shitload of childcare while Mum works. Doesn’t it always?

Weird how for some looking after the kids is grannies job (and it is granny)and she’s expected to be self sacrificing but somehow the same is not expected by Mum of herself.

@DripDripDripSugar

yeah that’s the sense I’m getting from this thread.
Its strange how grandma is expected to give up her free time and retirement (or working time) to look after grandchildren yet the suggestion that her daughter the childrens mother give up some of her career to look after her own children is abhorrent (at least to said mother of children)

There’s no need to take swipes at whole swathes of people just because you’re annoyed at a post on mumsnet. Also, the OP doesn’t mention childcare in their post.

I sympathise with the OP. I wish my dad would just take an interest, rather than washing his hands of me like he’s never met me, but there we are. I don’t expect childcare, but just to see him often enough that my dd doesn’t scream every time she sees him because he’s basically a stranger.

If you care about your child you generally want to help them.

I will be glad to do the same for my kids when they’re old enough to start their own families.

@ApplePieFry

So your mum went part time to look after your children and then moved to provide child care - so enabling you to carry on working and/or saving you lot of money

What was the impact of that on her income, her pension, her standard of living and financial security- or was that not considered?

@BritWifeInUSA

It is weird. Especially as their own mother who they now want to look after grandkids full time probably worked less to look after her own kids.

Its like the idea that Grandma should sacrifice what she wants to do to look after her grandkids is a given to them, yet it never occurs to them to sacrifice their own career for the kids. No, that was grannies job, both for them and their kids.

I doubt the women who think like this will actually keep that morality when they’re grandparents somehow.

Personally I’m always thinking of unempathetic and selfish they are when I see the attitude of “why isn’t my mum looking after my kids 4 days a week”😡

My grandchildren are not my responsibility. My adult children are no longer my responsibility either. They are adults, just like me.

My adult children are not responsible for me either because...I am an adult.

An adult is 'a person who is fully grown and developed'. I am so proud of the thoughtful; hardworking and sensible adults my children have become.

We could not love each other more and of course we help each other out if we can. But, there is no sense of entitlement or feeling responsible either way. I don't agree that adults are responsible for other adults.

My children respect my boundaries when it comes to babysitting and being on tap to help out. They want me to enjoy my old age with some respite from carrying the weight of everybody’s needs and expectations.

The deep love we have for each other - and the bond we share - is not dependent on a quid pro quo of how much babysitting I can offer, or what they can do for me.