Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Just look at this thread, you’re mistaken to think most parents don’t want to support their children.

I’ve never said it was a grandmothers job, I have repeatedly said I don’t expect it, I earn enough to pay for childcare many times over, my mum wants to support, as does my father. So it’s not just a ‘grandmothers’ job either

Does this go both ways? Will you also then care for your parents if needed?

@ApplePieFry

I am looking at this thread. I don’t see hoarded of 52 year old women writing testimonials about it being their dearest wish to quit work, move and become full time day care for their grand kids.

Hoards

I disagree - they make a decision to have a baby and they’re responsible for that baby until you’re 18, but after that - they aren’t responsible for decisions you make as you’re an adult. I think grandparents are so special but any childcare or help from them is a bonus and should never be taken for granted!

There are many who say they’ll be glad to help their DC out with grandchildren when the time comes.

You seem awfully caught up on this, bitter almost.

Not sure if you’re a parent who is bitter their parents didn’t support them, or a grandparent wanting to feel validated for not helping their DC.

My mother and father benefitted from grandparent support, why wouldn’t they offer the same to their DC. It’s frankly a little sad you have the opinions you do on the matter.

I bet you’d keel over hearing that my father still sends me ‘pocket money’

There are too many variables to make any generalisations:

Age of grandparents
Whether they work
Their health
Where they live in relation to grandkids
How many grandkids they have
Relationship between grandparents and the parents
What help the parents are prepared to give the grandparents as they age
How the parents are coping
What other help the parents have

For example I think there is probably more of a genuine need for help where there is a single parent of a disabled child and they can't work, compared to say a rich couple who can afford babysitters and have other help (eg spouses parents) available

“Bitter”
”sad”
”I bet you’d keel over”

Oh, the warmth of Mumsnet on an autumnal evening. It’s giving me all the feels 🤗

Considering how much @SkeetyLola is replying on this I’d go so far as to add ‘hysterical’ to your list

I'm my Mum's first priority, always have been, always will be. I know that down in my core and it's so deeply reassuring.

If I just expected free childcare because I was entitled and a brat - she'd tell me to go do one. If I ask her to babysit she would if she didn't have plans. If I asked her to do regular childcare she'd want paying and/or tell me 'no', she's got a life.

If I was struggling financially, desperate to get to work, leaving a bad marriage, unwell, needed her - then yes she would drop everything and be there.

That's how I was raised, and that's how my kids will be raised. A deep sense of security that Mamma always has your back, but don't be a cheeky fucker or you'll get your arse handed to you. After your arse has been handed to you, you'll know that you're still loved, still wanted, still supported, just, you know - don't be a dick about it.

Yes! Great addition. A bit of misogyny always adds a lovely bit of colour to any list. Not just some of the feels, all the feels.

That was not to you encantorerun!

@Roomytrouser haha! I was thinking - eh, err, what? 😂

What @encantorerun said.
Very well put.

You are seriously young, entitled and or deluded if you think most people would do as your parents are doing. Your mum giving up work to look after your kids for your high flying career whilst daddy still pays you pocket money? Get a grip and a fucking paid help while you are at it and let your mum have a break. I've never read anything so princessy in all my life. We see you and what kind of person you are.

Great post!

It is subjective. I think the main role of grandparent is be a support system to their grandchild.

@encantorerun

That is a healthy mother/daughter/grandchild relationship. Everyone knows where they stand 👏👏👏

"Grandparent" isn't a role. It's just a title. When you have a child, you are not signing up to a life of servitude to them from that point on until the day you drop dead. How is that even supposed to work if you have three children, then each of those three children has three children? No human can give nine grandchildren equal care and attention.

I have a number of friends who are DGPs and some of them are totally taken advantage of by their adult DC in terms of childminding .. they are too 'afraid' to say 'no' because they are fearful of their DD's (& sadly it is usually a DD not a DS) reaction and frightened of being banned from seeing the DGC.

I am mid 60s, happily still working, caring for my own elderly DM, volunteering with rough sleepers and a Food Bank ... fortunately I am not yet a DGM but would I want to give all that up to childmind - no thank you.

Do you think this applies to grandfathers too or is it just grandmothers? To me this seems more misogynistic rubbish. The role of women is to look after children - hers, her kids kids, etc. You never see people complaining that their dad or father in law isn't pulling their weight childcare wise.

In general I think grandparents should support you if they love you and are able to, but that doesn't mean childcare. It might mean listening to your problems, encouraging you, lending you money, come round and play with children, invite you round Sunday dinner or to stay at theirs for the weekend - it will depend on what they are able to give, your relationship up to that point, their working and financial position, and loads of other things. One thing that does irk me is folk who don't bother with their parents at all until they have their own kids and want support. A good loving relationship works both ways and is in place before kids arrive.

Also, life stage does matter. If my eldest has kids the same age I had them, then I would be 54 and I plan to be in full time work at that age, so obviously would not be able to be my kids childcare. I don't believe that I "committed" to that when they were born though.

I agree being a grandparent is a responsibility - but how they wish to grandparent is up to them not to you. Accept they may have very different views to you on this. Also accept being a grandparent doesn’t necessarily mean proving you with childcare. I’m sure you don’t necessarily mean this but many seem to think it!

This is absolutely lovely. I think this describes exactly how I think an ideal relationship with adult children should be, and what I would like with mine when they're older. I really relate to how you've described the support system a good mum provides you, its how I feel about my own relationship with my mum - except she is liable to be taken advantage of. I never would, my siblings are not so scrupulous.

Being a good grandparent doesn't mean endless free childcare.
My parents are fantastic, loving grandparents - kind, generous, fun - who help us out when we're stuck. But they wouldn't want to provide weekly childcare for my children - and more importantly I wouldn't ask them to!

I will support my children when they have children but not regular care. I lost my husband when my children were teen-agers and have recently remarried. I want to spend time with my husband and do all the things I thought I would do in retirement.