Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

In reality you're talking about grandmothers. Grandfathers never receive any flack for not providing childcare for their grand children, grandmothers do. Those same grandmothers who are often also expected to care for elderly parents, while their male siblings are far too busy and important. Add to which, most women now work until state pension age. So she has a job, is caring for elderly parents (even her inlaws) and is then expected to provide support and free childcare for grandchildren who she had no say in planning for. All the while coping with the symptoms of menopause.

OP, given your views that GPs are duty bound to grandchildren, do you think grandparents should have a legal right to access to their grandchildren?

PS - I provide regular baby sitting, had my daughter and baby granddaughter living with me for 5 months due to my daughter needing surgery and extensive rehab so I was caring for my daughter and granddaughter 24/7, so any accusations of me being uncaring couldn't be further from the truth.

Literally no-one on this thread has said that??? It’s just people complaining about theoretical people and situations.

@ApplePieFry

What if that time is when your 50 and still have your own career? Will you be quitting to be full time child minder?

And why does “if you care about your child you generally want to help them” not extended to being as selfless as you expect grandma to be and giving up your career to help your own child?

I’m a Grandma -2 boys 4 and 8.

I work full time but condense my hours so that I work a 9 day fortnight.

I dedicate that one day a fortnight to helping my DD.

I take boys to and from school on that day change beds, housework and pick boys up.

I also use all my annual leave to spend my time with DD and DGC.

I don’t do it out of a sense of duty or because I feel obliged I do it because I really love them all and want to do it. I can’t think of anything I would rather do in my spare time than spend it with them.

I never felt my daughter was a burden when I had her either or looked to get free time etc – I just fell head over heels in love with her and cherished all the time we had together.

So as not to drip feed DD is disabled so needs the help and I need my wages so can’t give up work to care for her full time but we worked this out.

My DH is also as keen to spend time together with her and boys – we just love being together.

Yes

Just like her mother and MIL did the same to help her, it’s called paying it forward. She had a great career from that support, and is doing the same for me.

My father is due to return to the UK next year so will be picking up the other 2 days a week childcare too which will be great.

Its had very little impact on her financial security, they’ve paid the mortgage off her pension is very good (worked for a bank all her life who paid in 15% since she was 18 and she has paid in a lot since turning 40)

Also, tbh even if it did impact her financially she wouldn’t have cared, she loves her kids enough to put them first, thankfully both she and my father are of the opinion your kids are your kids until you die. Not until they hit 18.

Yep.

My parents refused to look after their grandchildren because they had younger children at home and were working. However my siblings had child free younger adults around - siblings, cousins and family friends - who were a safer bet in terms of providing regular - as in a few hours a week - or emergency childcare.

Other grandparents I know who refuse to do childcare are simply exhausted. They have later shown they are not well enough to look after a small child for more than an hour randomly. Then there are those who don't agree with how their adult child parents so know to avoid conflict that they should not offer help.

Well mum is 52 and was still in her career, but dropped down and moved to support her child. And will be fully retiring if/when my siblings have kids.

And yes I will do the same if mine have families of their own.

Why should I have to give up my career?

Mums had a good run career wise, which was only enabled due to having support from her mother and MIL.

You've missed the threads that have been on MN in the last few days.

Absolutely. My parents are brilliant with our kids, but they were absolutely clear from the start that they would not be providing full-time childcare (nor did we expect them to). They very kindly do 1 day per week, because they like to see the kids, and they'll drop everything to help in an emergency, but there is no way I (or my sister) would expect them to give up their lives for it. Yes, I'd be disappointed if they didn't want to spend time with their grandchildren, but they have no responsibility to be involved if they didn't want to be.

I want my parents to enjoy their retirement, which is precisely what they're doing. They both go to classes in the local community centre and have met lots of friends through those; they go on holiday when they want etc.

I remember taking DC to toddler groups and there'd be grandparents there (usually just Granny; occasionally Granda as well) who looked exhausted because every day they'd go to the son/daughter's house at 7 so they could leave for work, drop the older child to school for 9, entertain the toddler for an hour until toddler group started, sit there and enjoy a bit of a rest for an hour, then home to do lunch, pick the older child up, sort their homework, dinner for both, and then the kids would be collected at 6pm. It was absolutely obvious to anyone else that they were beyond exhausted, and not really capable of properly supervising a rampaging toddler, but their own children seemed to be oblivious.

Part of this is about generational and societal change.
I'm 57, when I was growing, where I lived, most people still lived close to family, fewer women worked outside the home or worked part time.
I grew up between my family home and my nan's, she lived two streets away and was a very young grandmother, only in her 40s when I was primary age. My mum always worked, as a dinner lady, washing up in kitchens.
I moved away, adopted my son on my late 40s, my mum in her late 60s. My mum and stepdad are fantastic grandparents- they think my son is the bees knees, he adores them. Bit there is just no way it could ever be the same as when I was growing up.

I think many families are like this now.

Crikey, I certainly will not be providing full time childcare!
I worked my guts out as a hospital doctor (72 - 120 hours a week, as a junior) and brought my two children up alone while working, without any support from grandparents, as I was widowed when both DDs were still in nappies and the GPs were 240 miles away.
I was permanently exhausted.
Then I retired, and got long Covid, so am now struggling with fatigue in what is finally meant to be “me time”. My DDs are 50 miles away - there is no way I could do a daily 100 mile round trip, let alone find the energy to childmind.

@ApplePieFry

You seem to have a lot of thoughts about parents looking after their grown up kids by doing childcare for them because your kids are your kids till they die - why don’t you be as self sacrificing as you expect your parents to be for you and look after your own children now instead of expecting them to do it while you further your career?

I don’t understand what you mean OP? Could you explain what you think the duties of a grandparent are?

I think the poster said if you was a shitty parent then your going to be a shitty GP.

My kids don't have GP figure month to month I their life. Mil lives abroad so see her for a few days every few years, my mum.is abusive so see her a few times a year when she might also be rude to us all or not mood dependent. Fil remarried when dh was 10 so step mil can't handle the family side and the kids haven't seen him for five years.

So I don't want childcare, but I'd have liked to have them go to concerts, or invite us around for Sunday lunch or come to sports day. All too late now even they wanted to. That door has closed and there's no bond between the generations.

Basically because we the kids of the GP aren't valued. I don't think they love us at all really.

@ApplePieFry

You expected your mum to give up her career at 52 to look after your kids because “she’s had a good run career wise” yet it’s beyond the pale that you should give up your career to look after our kids?

Thats pretty rich.

Imo unsupportive gps are a symptom of a wider issue. My parents have never emotionally supported me so I don't expect them to be supportive grandparents. Very much "I've done my bit, now you're independent its my time" No babysitting, no chats on the phone, no sympathetic texts, nothing but the occasional imposed visit.
My MIL is the total opposite, and I adore her.
Families should WANT to support each other and it's so sad that some don't.

Seems for a lot of people “spending time with their grandkids” seems to equate to “doing childcare so I can continue my career full time”. They really aren’t talking about the odd babysit or friendly family dinner or lunch or taking the kids so mum and dad can have a short holiday.

They’re talking about a commitment from grandparents (specifically grandma) to do something to benifet them, not because it fosters a closer relationship with their grandkids and makes both grandkid and parent happy - but because it makes Mums life easier. Little else is considered but that last point despite the pretence otherwise.

This is just a TAAT.

I agree to an extent but it's more complicated. For example, you (generally) decide when you are ready to have children, but (obviously) have no say over grandchildren so it may not be possible for a grandparent to help out but they would have been able to if the grandchildren had been born at a more convenient time to them.

@Kabalagala

The issue is what does “support” mean? Does support mean family dinner, flog one calls, babysitting sometimes and dropping by to see the grandkids or having them over - or does “support” mean free childcare while mum works full time?

Because often I get the impression on here grandparents keeping a distance actually have a good read on their kids and realise that if they give a hand then a arm will be expected and their daughters will want full time childcare and get stroppy if it doesn’t happy how and when they want it.

Someone said that good parents made good grandparents - well it could also be said that selfish daughters grow into selfish mothers who expect grandparents to do their job.

Exactly this. I grew up 90 minutes from both sets of grandparents, and out of the three surviving grandparents only one drove. We saw our grandparents occasionally, at holidays or on a Sunday. They never picked us up from school or cared for us on a regular basis. Similarly, I am further than that from parents and inlaws and never expected it either.

Why would I sacrifice my career when I don’t have to?

I don’t expect them to do it, they want to do it, there is a difference

Other grandparents don't want to do it.

You seem to really struggle reading this evening

I never expected anything, she wants to support her children the same way she was supported, next year dad will also shoulder a fair amount of the childcare too when he moves back to the UK.

Most want to support their kids, it’s odd you can’t understand that

Good for them?