Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Housemaus , this is it . My DD constantly stated that she didn't want her own choices as a women restricted & her DDs but at the same time trying to stifle my own . My DH said " like she doesn't see the irony !" .

I see my role as a parent is to raise children to be capable and independent adults so that they fly the nest. Whilst I love my adult dc I don't see me as responsible for their happiness and wellbeing although will offer them any support I am able to if needed.
My grandchildren are my children's responsibility and whilst I am happy to spend time with them and enjoy their visits I don't see them as my responsibility and as such don't feel the need to provide care for them. I will though look after them occasionally if needed. I did provide childcare for one dgs until he started pre school, I didn't enjoy it, it reminded me how tedious young children are tbh and I won't be repeating it

I hate looking after children. Loathe it. It’s been made clear that I’ll willingly clean your house, do your shopping, washing or ironing, drive you anywhere, lend or give you money, scrub your loo if you’ve got a stomach upset but I absolutely won’t do childcare. Not happening.

Me too @Blossomtoes I'm much happier offering to do dd's ironing or cleaning than I am being asked to care for dgs.

Grandparents should help with their families because their grandchildren are their future going forward in life

Well I don't know that grandchildren are their future, given women are having babies much older than they used to, gps are much older too. And their future is what they're thinking about! Approaching 70, trust me, one is keenly aware that time is flashing by at a rate of knots. I'd rather at that age, as much future as I have left is not committed to providing regular daily childcare for grandchildren.
Grandmothers don't live forever.

Best comment of the thread!

I agree every part is true . My DM didn't help with our DDs childcare I would never asked her she had her own life.
I really didn't expect that type of attitude from my own DD though , that shit cuts deep.

Yes it's all about grandmothers. Very well put @housemaus .

That must have really stung! My adult kids still live at home and I will do anything to help them out but I have been very clear when they decide to have children I will not be doing regular childcare.

Very true. But I don't think anyone wants their kids to stay with their granddad's! ... I've learnt the hard way with DS returning having eaten nothing but banoffee pie with mud all over his clothes and a new phobia of heights (I wonder why?)😂

Definitely agree though, my mum gave us everything and I sense she wishes she saved a part of her for herself as she is incredibly talented and academic. We've done nothing but encourage her to live her life now as she has some free time (finally!) and more money for herself.

It sounds like both your parents are very comfortably off financially, as well as enjoying good health - both of which allows them to be "good grandparents".

Not everyone is so fortunate. My mother became physically disabled at the age of 56, and was in a care home by the age of 72 with dementia. My father died in 1989 when I was 15.
You never know what life has in store.