Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Most women aged 52 don’t want to give up their career and live on benefits (because retirement age is 68) in order to provide full time free childcare for somebody else’s kids, no. I somehow doubt you will either.

I agree every situation is different. We only had one grandparent alive when my kids were younger. They were elderly and I wouldn't have expected them to look after my kids. I still made sure they had a good relationship though.
One thing I often see on here is though grandparents being expected to help out , however when it comes to times like Christmas or weekends grandparents are kept at a distance as its " our own little family" time.

I would hope to be in a position to help out my kids maybe not full time but as much as I could. I would feel upset if it was just for childminding and not included in other things. I always think it's nice to see grandparents at matchs, concerts etc.

Who is living on benefits?

I sure won’t be at 52, neither is mum

If your family are so wealthy that none of you need to work for a living, and you all just have little hobby jobs, good for you.

Most people either need to work to pay their bills, live on their pension after retirement age, or live on benefits.

I've never thought about grandparents having a specific role. Family dynamic and relationships vary greatly from family to family so it will be different for each family. For us, my parents and in laws live far away. It's enough that we love and care about them and vice versa. That's it - we're family and we love each other.

Not wealthy

did you miss the fact mum went part time?

I didn’t miss the fact your dad still pays your bills in your mid thirties, which implies a fair amount of wealth.

Who said he pays my bills

are you ok?

You might need an appt at spec savers

@ApplePieFry

You do realise that it's very privileged position to be able to retire over 10 years before state pension age, and to be mortgage free in your early 50s.

I'm a civil servant, most of my friends are civil servants ( solid careers) or teachers (heads of dept of deputy heads). We are all approaching 60. ie good jobs, with pensions.
None of us can afford to take our pensions now. I am 'retiring' from the civil service next year however I will still need to earn a living until I am 68. Same goes for most of my friends.

Even if I wanted to I could not afford to give up work to look after grandchildren.
I will be a fantastic grandmother - I will babysit, take them out, help in the holidays, spoil them on their birthdays. But childcare I cannot do - that does not mean I love my son or his future children any less than you do, and it does not make me a lesser grandparents

No one has retired 10 years before state pension age in my situation though, so again not sure why you seem to be going down that road but hey ho.

And the thing here is, my mum is able to go part time at 52 because she had help from her mum and MIL when my siblings and I were born.

She gets to do this for me because she had the same help, do you really not see that’s what is driving her decision?

Did you have childcare from your parents? If not do you not think you’d be in a better financial position now if you had?

My parents and my in-laws are/were great grandparents. Neither did regular childcare (nor did I expect them too). All of them ‘had/have a lifelong commitment to help and support their children” to quote from the op. This doesn’t have to equate to childcare, but to taking an interest, birthday/Christmas presents, visiting grandchildren etc.

@ApplePieFry You were very fortunate to get help:from your mother at the age of 52. None of my friends could afford to do this. The amount of parent help is not a factor in this.

Of course it’s a factor

those who received support with childcare are more likely to be financially better off in the years to come, and therefore more likely to be able to offer the same level of support to their own kids.

Wow I'm closer to 52 and have no childcare from parents at all, seems fairly normaly although some friends get the odd weekend!

I initially took it to mean building relationships /interest rather than childcare.

Presumably you/your mum had kids v young to be a grandparent of kids at 52.

@ApplePieFry

But you have indicated that she will retire if and when your siblings have children which suggests she is in the position to retire earlier, but even so she can afford to go part time
No I had no.childcare or even babysitting from my parents, apart from a few days in the summer holidays. They live 150 miles away - not an option

Yes, she will do.

But hasn’t yet, I don’t know many people of her age that can’t or haven’t retired before state pension age as most have private pensions they can draw down from.

And do you not think you’d be in a better position to retire early if you had received support with childcare from your parents?

Mum wouldn’t be in the position she is now if she hadn’t received the same support she offers me, in her eyes it’s paying it forwards.

@ApplePieFry

It's pointless speculating whether I would be better off because I did not get help with childcare
It was never an option - they live too far away, they were old to deal with a challenging child except for the occasional few days.
But I expect not anyway, I was part time myself because of my son's additional needs.

Most entitled post I have ever read. Stand on your own two feet. Both your parents lives affected and changed because you don’t want to pay for childcare. Mortified for you.

It depends on what role you and your kids will play as they age?
Will you throw them into a care home or house them and care for them if they reach an age they cam no longer care for themselves. If Yes - then YANBU

BUT if they will be abandoned in old age / sickness then YABU.

In my culture we live in extended households or down the road and it is a two way thing. Grandparents involved and hands on BUT also grandkids are involved and hands on not just the parents. 3 generations all help each other. I think that's the best solution - obvs if families stay local.

Why would I turn down free childcare for no reason, how ridiculous

You lost me at your Dad sending you pocket money 😂
Christ Almighty, have some dignity.

@ApplePieFry where are your grandparents now?

Again, my parents see us as their kids until they die, not until we move out or turn 18.

Why wouldn’t you financially, emotionally and physically support your children if you’re in a position to?

Some really selfish people on this thread!

Probably at home, one might be at the theatre still

You are an adult, a grown up, a mother. You earn your own money, your parents take care of your kids for free and Daddy sends you pocket money. You couldn’t make it up.