Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

all circumstances are different though aren't they even within families. my sisters had their children when they were young, our parents were also young. they never did mon to fri childcare for my nieces and nephews but often had them for the weekend or took them away for a few days. i didn't have my dc until i was 43 and my parents were much older by then and had moved much further away. so they've never babysat for me and i've never expected them to.

'You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.'

Well, yes, but surely it's down to you if you decided to have children. You could have made the decision not to have children, then you would have no childcare issues. If you decide to have a family then surely being willing to provide care for your children is part of that decision.

Good family bonds are lovely. Relationships with grandparents can be beautifully rewarding. But expecting grandparents to provide major care for children you've chosen to bring into the world? Bit rude.

My friend will be 61 when her youngest turns 18. By then she’ll have spent 24 years with a child in the house. She’s 50 at the moment and says she’s feeling worn down with having had at least one young child to look after for the last 15 years. Her DM is in her late 80s and her MIL has mobility problems and also needs support.

If any of her DCs were to ask for help with childcare, my friend’s screams will be audible from space.

The role of a grandparent is to have fun with their dgc, feed them lots of sweeties, spoil them and then hand back to the parents to parent. Offer advice when asked.

You choose to have kids you raise them the best you can, take any help that is offered, once they are old enough to have their own kids it is up to them to do the same.

@Roomytrouser that's my situation also but DD is 13 and i'm now 56 and already exhausted

I have my two DGS's 2.5 days a week (3 nights), every week. I love our special time together. I hope to have sleepovers with my DGD once she's old enough!

My parents never did any childcare or babysitting. I didn’t expect it. They went away in their caravan and on cruises. My mum died at age 60, so I was really glad they did their travelling when they did.

The expectations of grandparents these days is disgusting.

My mother was and still is in full time employment so what ever help she could offer was outside of her working hours and after a full days work as a district nurse.

I find a lot of peoples expectations of grand parents to be unrealistic.

Many people expect them to be everything and nothing. They expect them to change their lives/reduce work hours/ prioritise their childcare needs whilst also (often) wanting the Gp to never have an opinion, never step outside of a set routine, never voice anything except pure gratitude for ‘getting time with their grandkids’ as though it’s happening purely for the grandparents benefit and the list goes on.

In my experience, a lot of people who expect a lot of regular help from their parents often don’t invest in the relationship with their parents themselves.

My personal experience is that in families where there’s lots of support for young kids, where it works well and people are happy to it, it’s usually because everyone in invested in the wider family as a whole. The adult kids don’t just see their parents as baby sitters. They visit without needing something, will support their parents when needed. The dynamic is often changing depending on what’s happening in the family and everyone is aware of and supportive of each other. Not just the grandparents doing childcare. It’s a cohesive support network.

My mum had dd (now 18) one day a week, at her own request, she already worked part time. It helped out a lot. By the time I has ds, 7 years later, I was very aware she had aged a lot and her health was worse and her dad had dementia. I helped her care for grandad, I took her to appointments, took her out for the day when I could, visited most weekends with or without kids, had her and dad at mine for dinner (dad was still working) Never asked her to have ds apart from an odd occasion. At that point she needed support from me. she still did the odd bits of baby sitting. She still had a great relationship with ds.

Dad then semi retired and my grandad passed away and things were easier. But I always tried to be aware that my parents had done a lot for me in my lifetime. I wanted them to have a life of their own, not just based on me and my needs. Go away when they wanted to. Weekends away with friend etc. But they did also provide babysitting on occasion when I needed it.

Mums health further deteriorated, she quit work and Dad reduced his hours to the minimum as she needed him to at home, again, I did anything I could to take the pressure off. Unfortunately mum died at only 66, last year. My relationship with my dad is the same, he would babysit my ds if I asked. But I also want him to have a life of his own. I want him to see his friends, go walking, visit his family who live quite far away, meet someone else even. But I also invest in our relationship. I call him to chat, ask how he is, listen to stories he has to tell me, take ds to see him just to see him. Invite him out with us.

So many people want to talk about what support their parents should be obligated to do for them, that their parents should still prioritise them and their needs. But don’t act like family back. It’s all one way and then people wonder why it hasn’t worked out.

This is perfect. You have a very good mum.

She isn't retiring though, she's just changing her role to unpaid childcare. Maybe she was hoping you would stop this nonsense of a cycle you have going but felt she couldn't because she had childcare. Maybe your kids will have more thought and common sense to carry it on.

My kids range from adult to teens to under 10. It’s highly likely that I’ll have at least one GC before the last kid leaves home. I’m also working on getting a new career off the ground, as a workplace incident resulted in disability.

I’ve been a parent all my adult life. Once the kids are grown and flown, my DH and I will be able to be a priority in how we spend our time/money vs coming in last. Some may call it selfish, but after decades of putting the kids first, being able to go away for a week just because we want to sounds like bliss.

Of course we’ll help the kids as we can, especially if there’s an emergency. Occasional babysitting? Okay.

But full time child care? I’d rather set my hair on fire.

There’s more to my identity than being a parent or one day, a grandparent. I’m allowed to be a person, to value myself, for more than how I serve others.

Absolutely well said.

This has been my experience too. People who don't want to help their children and grandchildren often didn't get proper help themselves and found child rearing tough, all-consuming and thankless. Without family support having children affected their careers and social lives. Then they couldn't wait to sack it off and 'start their own life' again, as they see their children/family as an imposition on their life and not part of it. I get why they're unhappy but I don't get why they A) would want their children to go through what they went through and not want to break that miserable cycle, and B) spend their time attacking people who got proper support from their parents, calling them entitled and selfish and all that. Its not going to make them happy, and it's not going to help them build the kind of warm, happy, supportive families other people have and are benefiting from.

This has been my experience too. People who don't want to help their children and grandchildren often didn't get proper help themselves and found child rearing tough, all-consuming and thankless. Without family support having children affected their careers and social lives. Then they couldn't wait to sack it off and 'start their own life' again, as they see their children/family as an imposition on their life and not part of it.

This is a massive generalisation and in my experience utterly untrue.

My mother spent her life helping with siblings before having her own children and always said that she wasn't spending her senior years minding children and she stuck to her word. She will step in in an emergency or for the occasional hour in the afternoon but that's it and that's fine as it what i expected. I don't think her own mother was at all nurturing despite having a massive family so my mother is only copying her. I definitely don't want to turn out like my own mother as she just doesn't seem happy in herself and never really has been happy. Also just in relation to the original OP a lot depends on health as well.

My grandmother has around 100 grandchildren and great grandchildren! No way in heaven could she be a parent to us all. She was however a fantastic grandmother. I would massage her feet and she would get up to date with all my life details. She had an impecible memory and knew everything about us all! We never expected anything in return and felt so loved despite her not being more of a "parent" to us. Love and support is different for everyone. If I was the only grandchild things would probably have been different but I never felt less loved or supported.

I couldn't disagree more and I cannot bear this level of entitlement. Your choice to produce kids is just that, your choice.

I have adult children but no grandchildren. I also have teenagers. None of them are showing any signs of wanting children. I’m happy with that . If they do have children I’ll be supportive and help where I can but in absolutely do not want to take on regular childcare. I’ll babysit and look after them when I can but after bringing up two children and then having two more I want some peace and freedom! I’ve never expected my parents to take on childcare.

Also remember for many women especially many of my own mothers generation especially those from more working class backgrounds as they get older they get their first sense of freedom. Many went from being under their parents roof to being busy wives and mothers and finally they have children reared and they are more comfortable financially and want to relax and enjoy themselves and they are entitled to that. My own mother was just told she wasn't returning to school after Christmas one year as her cousin got her a job at a local factory. And she worked in factories all her working life as my dad was laid off in the 80s so she went back fulltime. My poor mother wasn't even 14 when she started work. So now in her early seventies while fit and healthy if she wants to spend her days watching soaps on telly who am I to criticise her.

Awww, I’ve really enjoyed being a parent even though my DCs went to nursery. DH and I split the childcare equally and they have a lovely relationship with their grandparents. How sad you know so many miserable people.

Grandparents should help with their families because their grandchildren are their future going forward in life. I look forward to being whatever help and support my kids might need when I might be a Gran. Being a parent is a privilege as you are the parent to a child with the responsibilities of this role. Being a gran will be a responsibility that I hope to have.

Surely the role is whatever you make of it. Every family is different so the role will be different.
But it is wrong go to suggest that parents have an ongoing duty to support their children's children. Some may want to but it's not an obligation.
A parents duty to their children is to nuture and care for them when they are children and give them all the tools and support to enable them to become independent adults.

I agree. We had 2 DD in our early to mid 20s. DD 2 does not want kids . DD 2 has a DD aged 4. We explained from the start that no full time child care would be done DH is a night worker and us changing our working lives was simply not an option We never wanted to be over pushy but will always be there if really needed and of course do visiting / family events etc and spending time with GD all seemed well . But DD 1 wasn't happy with this and expected pretty much everything to be on her terms . Long story short DD 1 has gone NC and we have not seen our GD for nearly a year . It's all very upsetting but me & my DH have to be ok with this we have no choice. If our DD thinks that not allowing us to see our GD is fair punishment for having our own commitments then it speaks volumes that our role was simply for child care .

It's always women, this, isn't it? It's always whether it's somehow unnatural for women to not want to be defined by caring responsibilities for their entire life. We say 'grandparents' but we usually mean 'grandmothers'.

People find it odd when a woman who's raised children doesn't want to be hands on in their grandchild's life, because - you're a woman, your job is caring. Your job is raising kids. We don't allow for women to ever be free of the expectation of caring, and it's a load of bullshit.

Yes, if a grandmother wants to be very involved in their grandchildren's lives then that is absolutely lovely and I'm sure the family bond is all the richer for it. But it's not wrong or weird for someone to want to have their own life and not to be at the sole disposal of their children forever. I think I see a thread a week about whether someone's mum is unreasonable for not wanting to do X Y Z childcare and I don't think I've ever, ever seen one about someone's dad. That just isn't expected in the same way.