Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Who will look after them when they get too old to look after themselves and your mum is too busy with your children?

Your post at 19:14 today. Maybe you need to go to Memory Clinic, or stop making things up to get a reaction on here if you can’t keep your story straight?

Yes, it’s called having a supportive family.

odd this is a strange concept to you, I’m betting you’re one of those people who begrudge others the support they never had. Sad.

Do you know what the term pocket money means?

Seems not if you think that’s the same as paying my bills

“Again, my parents see us as their kids until they die, not until we move out or turn 18.”

Yes, my parents do this. Still doesn’t automatically mean they are obliged to provide childcare. Not providing childcare doesn’t mean they are selfish. Conversely, you could be seen as selfish/entitled to automatically expect this help.

Mum most likely for her mum and dad will be caring for his, as by that time my kids will be old enough to all be in school.

Although saying that my mums mum will most likely be caring for her in a home instead of the other way around, she is one of those fitness freaks, vegan, will outlive us all most likely!

Again

who expected anything? Being offered something and accepting is not expecting anything

some of you are really hard of understanding tonight

DP and I are one of three sets of DGPs.
We love the DGCs dearly but the oldest will be nearly 30 by the time I get my state pension (if there is one then) so no, I can't provide childcare and I'm not expected to either. DP also works seven days a week most weeks.
We do lots of lovely days out, meals and presents though.

It’s called still being a dependant on your parents in your 30’s. A freeloader of sorts. Have some self respect. Pocket money in your 30’s. Cringe.

So my mum was also a freeloader?

I am also not dependant on them for anything, they have offered, I accepted. It’s called having a supportive loving family. You should try it sometime

Did Mama get pocket money in her 30’s from Daddy too?

Or maybe she just feels obligated to offer because she had help when she had children.

Nope, but that’s because she didn’t have a father in her life.

She still gets her bath run for her when visiting my grandmother though, and a head rub!

Oh god let the poor grandparents relax! I'm hoping that when I get there I get some me time!

😂😂😂😂 give me strength.

Nah, she has been excited to be an active grandmother since I started dating DH.

Some people just like their family and want to help without feeling pressured or obligated. It’s really sad some of you just can’t wrap your heads around this.

I really hope OP that you also feel that as an adult child you have responsibility for your elderly parents?

If you aren't able to look after children yourself\yourselves then you shouldn't be having them. Of course there are sometimes unforseen things that may suddenly mean that, while you could before, you can't any more but if you're having kids without planning properly or just thinking that you can use grandparents as free childcare automatically, or as some kind of insurance policy if things don't go as you're hoping, then that's just stupid and selfish.

Saying that those grandparents who choose not to do everything that is asked of them somehow do not love their children or grandchildren is really quite distateful too.

The more I read MN the more grateful I am for my family. I couldn't imagine being in the families of some of the posters on here. 'Done my time'. Who talks like that about family? I think a lot of posters are quite bitter they don't get any proper support from their parents and resent those who do. You can sense the envy. Good families help each other out as much as needed, it's part of your life, you're all on the same team. I'd do anything for my mum and her for me. My in laws are great too. But its clear a lot of posters on here genuinely have no idea what a loving supportive family looks and feels like, and that's why they can't empathise with the exhausted, struggling mums posting how let down and disappointed they feel.

I agree, OP. I had a lovely childhood with lots of input from my grandparents. We were their lives. They'd take a walk at lunchtime to our school just to wave to us through the fence. They'd pick us up from school out of choice. They'd want to take us out on day trips every weekend if my parents let them. My own mum is exactly the same now with DS. Her excitement during my pregnancy was just wonderful to see. She has 3 days off from work a week (works 4 long days) and on those 3 days, she has either my DS or my niece, out of choice. We've offered so many times for her to not do this and she gets genuinely upset and says she has nothing else to do on her days off and spends all week looking forward to spending time with her grandchildren and that they are her downtime.

I feel truly blessed that to both my grandparents and my mum that being a parent was a lifelong commitment to not just their own children, but their children, too.

Grandparents are getting older. My grandma was in her early 40s when I was born. My mum was in her early 50s when my eldest was born. I was 64 when my first grandchild was born.
Those saying that their own parents had help from theirs are probably omitting the bit about that earlier generation of women often not working, and becoming grandparents at an earlier age so still having the energy to look after babies and small children. The younger grandparents now are still working, and the ones who are available are retired and older.

Even the fittest of us older generation of grandparents don't have anything like the energy we had a decade or two ago. My friends are 70 and have been looking after their two small grandchildren two days a week and a sleepover or two for years. Despite both of them being involved, they're absolutely knackered at the end. It's definitely affecting their health. But they feel they have no choice. If they don't do it they are pretty certain that they won't see their grandkids. Any requests for visits (in either direction) or other contact outside childcare days is refused by their DIL who spends most of her free time at her mum's. And their son only rarely visits with them.

I, at 67, have my DGD (3) for occasional days and sleepovers when needed, and I love having her. But it's exhausting. I can't imagine doing two full days every week, never mind more. Fortunately my DD and son in law are appreciative of what help I do give and have no expectations of more or of a regular commitment.

So many factors at play. Cultural, health, family circumstances, financial, geographical …..
Personally, the sense of entitlement that some people have is ridiculous and far fetched. I don’t get why they don’t expect to care for their own kids and to organise childcare if Grandparents can’t or don’t want to.

I don’t think it’s a simple as that. There are so many reasons why grandparents can’t or don’t want to help. Just because they don’t help doesn’t meant they don’t care. Someone who has done their time may have had difficulties with parenting their own kids for various reasons and to have to care for their Grandkids would just be too tough.
People who have grown up in a family where it has been easy to support and be supported are very lucky but people with other experiences and other feelings should not be judged, it’s so complex.

@saraclara I see this. My MIL was complaining really that we don't live close enough for her to be able to have DGC while I'm working - 1 or 2 days a week.

IL's came to stay with us for a week and it was to give some support - genuine reason came up and they offered to do a bit of wrap around care. By day 3, I could see IL's were knackered, I had to come home early and pick it back up because I felt so bad. They were joking that they just weren't used to being up and at it by 7am anymore. But it was the truth also. It's hard work.

As a grandmother (a very young one admittedly) I feel I can wade in with my personal experience.

I had my eldest in my teens so despite having excellent exam results I couldn't progress to uni and never got the career that was expected of me. I took any job I could to support us after unexpectedly becoming a single parent just before my Dd started school. I was determined not to rely solely on benefits and always wanted to set an example to my children that you have to work for what you want in life and as both my children got older and childcare become less of an issue I eventually progressed in my career and finally started making a decent wage (decent for my area, probably low for the UK as a whole).

Fast forward to the eldest announcing their pregnancy at the age of 18, 19 when Dgd was born, and despite them knowing how hard it was to be a young parent and me constantly telling them to live before having kids when they were growing up I couldn't say anything having been in their position myself.

I did make it abundantly clear that I'd support them as much as I could but with my youngest still being a teenager in school and my career just taking off plus not being in a financial position to give up or cut hours in my job, I wouldn't be hands on helping them as I was still raising my own children.

Do I see myself as selfish? Absolutely not. I'm still raising a teenager plus working shifts and it's normal for me to work 60 hours a week when I'm covering staff on annual leave so my time off is well earned and it's mine. I don't see why it's a given right that grandparents will be the default childcare provider and I certainly won't ever feel guilty for it because I financially am not in a position to become the typical doting granny that MN seems to think I should be.

Grandparents have bills to pay and shockingly have careers too, personally I feel it's entitled to except free childcare, I never ever expected it when my own children were small so why the hell would I comprise my own finances to provide a babysitting service? Some people on this thread need to realise life isn't black and white and some grandparents still have children they haven't finished raising themselves so won't feel guilty for putting them first exactly how they did with the elder children when they were growing up. Would it be fair that I sacrificed time and money on my youngest that my eldest child had just because they decided to have a baby?