Role of grandparents in a family

[Stickmansmum]

There’s a few dynamics at play here that requires respect and control of entitlement on both sides. BUT (having come from and married into) a loving and supportive family I never understand the double standard of ‘you decided to have kids so need to not be anyway entitled about help with them from their grandparents’ vs what I believe to be a lifelong commitment to help and love and support your children. Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are. You decided to have children and that doesn’t end when they are 18. I think it’s ok to expect your mum and dad to still be supportive.

Of course as the adult child of someone you also have a responsibility to not make your parents unwell or take so much from them that it damages their quality of life. And to also support them with help and love and consideration.

I guess some people don’t make the jump to grandparent who still feels love and responsibility for their grown up child, and grown up child who doesn’t realise they now have a responsibility to care for their parents.

But my AIBU is, if you have a child I think you are taking on the responsibility of being both a parent and a grandparent (probably) as part of that. And don’t get to just wash your hands of the role any more than you get to wash your hands of being a parent. (Assuming you haven’t raised entitled dickheads for children).

Good loving parents tend to grow into good loving grandparents, health issues allowing. They will enjoy helping their adult children, nurture their grandchildren and welcome the joy of new children in the family. Keen to help and bond with their young GC, they will contribute and help as much as possible, and be much loved in return.

Those that didn't want children/had too many/struggled in some or many ways tend to think their job is done and dusted at the first opportunity, often at very young ages such as 15/16/17/18 and are not interested in doing anything else child related - including interest or support of grandchildren. Their job is 'done' mentality. They are the same bunch that seem to then expect to be 'paid back' for their exceptionally average parenting efforts. There is a transactional element to parenting.

In a perfect world we would have loving gps and families that help and support each other. In reality it is not a given.

@ApplePieFry
Ok, so they want to sacrifice their career for your children and you don’t want to sacrifice your career for your children, glad we’ve established that.

The point is most people would find it unreasonable to just give up their career or life to look after grandchildren when the childrens own mother hasn’t the slightest intention or feeling of responsibility that she should do the same - yet does have expectations of it being a grandparents role.

Thankfully most people don’t see it like this, many grand parents offer child care.

Mum isn’t sacrificing her career, she has had her career and wants the same for me. Do you not understand the difference between someone in their mid 30’s having a career enabled vs someone mid 50’s (or nearly mid 50s)

Handing out Werther's.

Anything above is a bonus.

@ApplePieFry

Most don’t want to “support” their kids by doing full time childcare at all. It’s odd you can’t understand that.

The simple reality is that you had an expectation that grandparents would “help” by doing childcare and that was fine that your mother lost her career because “she’d had a good run career wise anyway”

Yours is the odd attitude, it’s entirely strange that you think that grandparents helping and being kind is full time childcare which they sacrifice their careers for - and yet you are puzzled at the suggestion you sacrifice your career to look after your kids despite the fact your parents will do the same to look after your kids.

I completely agree. I don't understand this notion that once your kids get to 18 or marry or whatever that you don't have to help them or support them. There's just no way I could enjoy myself if I knew my kids were struggling, whether they were 9, 29 or 59!

@ApplePieFry

Actually most people do see it like that. Very few women in their mid 50’s want to stop work to provide full time daily care for grandchildren.

It’s strange that you think it’s the grandmothers job to stop work in her 50’s to do childcare for her daughter full time as though that has ever been a thing. I also highly doubt you will continue the “tradition”

My friend used to complain a lot about her DM not helping her. Her DH used to encourage this and together they would talk about how unreasonable she was. We used to go on holiday with friend and her DH but we stopped after a few years because her DH is a complete tool who expected my DH and I (plus my DF) to all the childcare while he arsed around doing “important” work and talking about the work trips he was not in order to be there with us whilst doing fuck all with his own children. If one of my DCs has a partner like that then the support they’ll be getting from me is help with getting their DP to wise up or for them to leave.

By the time I’m retirement age, DC1 will be the age I was when they were born. I’ll have to work full time until then and I’m hoping I have some years of health where I can have a bit of freedom. This thread is making me think that I might need to ask the DCs if they’d like to look after me in old age. That’s what always used it happen, isn’t it?

Just to add as well, there is of course a line. Some people completely take the piss imho with taking advantage of grandparents! But if I was in a position where I could, I'd like to think I'd support my adult children as much as possible

@bigfamilygrowingupfast

Does help of support equate to near full time childcare so that mum can work?
Because that isn’t support, it’s being used by an entitled parent.

Support is babysitting casually without expectations, it’s family dinners and taking the grandkids so the parents can go on short holidays. It’s not facilitating your adult daughters career by taking he children 5 days a week

@Roomytrouser

Oh yeah, the DC’s can “help you out” by working overtime and foregoing those holidays so they can afford to build you that semi attached grannyfl flat with spa bath.
After all you don’t stop being someone’s parent when you turn 70

@Venetiaparties

”Good loving parents tend to grow into good loving grandparents, health issues allowing. They will enjoy helping their adult children, nurture their grandchildren and welcome the joy of new children in the family. Keen to help and bond with their young GC, they will contribute and help as much as possible, and be much loved in return.”

Translation: do as much free childcare as Mum demands

The role of a grandparent is what the grandparent wants it to be.

My parents decided early on they were going to be 'hands off'. Totally their choice, but now they wonder why they don't have a relationship with their grandchildren.

I hope to do things very differently when I become a grandparent.

I couldnt agree more with everything you have said.

It baffles me posters saying you don't stop parenting at 18, you NEED to support them.

Imo support comes in many forms and regular childcare will not be how I support my kids. They are adults living at home paying minimal rent and are welcome here for as long as they want/need. I have been crystal clear with them from the start if or when they decide to have kids themselves I will not be doing childcare. That does not make me a bad grandmother in any shape or form but I certainly won't be a mug either, I've done my child rearing and I won't be doing any more.

I’m not sure about this. I think what would work best for me is if they could take on shift work and make sure their shifts didn’t coincide. That way one could be available at all times while the other was earning the money to pay for the granny flat. It’s all about getting that perfect work-life balance.

Being hands on doesn't equal doing consistent free childcare.

It means bothering to see the children regularly and engaging with them as individuals. This can be whether the parents are around or not.

😂

@Roomytrouser

😂😂😂

Perfect!
But remember if you start to go downhill and need two servants ahem children, remember to remind them it’s time for them to both give up their jobs and wait on you. Money is no concern, their own children will soon be doing the same for them no doubt.

I mean it does stop at 18 (ish) - you’ve raised them to adulthood, you did your job. Now you can go on a cruise, or if it was still the Stone Age go and keel over.

Beyond that, different families have different expectations. In most families grandparents are interested and reasonably helpful - seeing the kids once a week to once every couple months, depending on distance, stumping up for extra classes
if they have cash, doing the odd overnights in school holidays, helping when a new baby comes along or someone is ill.

Providing regular significant childcare and being the third emergency service is simply not the grandparents’ job.

If you enjoy it, and get your sense of self from being vital to your kids’ lives, by all means do it - but that does not make you superior or any more ‘normal’ than grandparents who want to do more with their lives than be unpaid nannies.

There is a whole world out there, and you’re a long time dead.

Your grandchildren are maybe not your responsibility but by default they are.

No, they aren't.

I can't put it better than @breadandmillk at the end of P1.

This is quite an odd OP, as it starts from a point of 'entitlement' and just being brittle and making some kind of 'contract' with parents. That just isn't how things work in most loving families.

Its not that straightforward.
Its one thing to unconditionally support dependent children because ultimately you are in charge, and can guide, influence and mitigate to shape what that support looks like.
It's quite another to extend unconditional support to an autonomous adult who may create situations that are in conflict with your own needs or life plans. For example, choosing to have multiple children, or choosing to have them at a stage in your life when looking after them is very difficult; when you're working full time, or at the other end of the scale, much older and less able. Its very unfair to hold someone responsible for facilitating a choice they've had no input into.
I think the key to is to reach a shared understanding of expectations, and to do so before creating the situation you require support with. I am a very involved GP who does daily childcare, around my work, but my children didn't just go ahead with having children expecting it of me, it was fully discussed beforehand and I was clear what I could and would do, and they factored this into their decisions.

Mum isn’t sacrificing her career, she has had her career and wants the same for me. Do you not understand the difference between someone in their mid 30’s having a career enabled vs someone mid 50’s (or nearly mid 50s)

Bloody hell, that's a bit dismissive of someone's job! Nearly mid-fifties, has another 15 years before state pension kicks in. If anybody had said, within my hearing, when I was 55 that I'd 'had my career' I'd be bloody gutted. And furious to boot. Sheesh!

Are you coming back OP?

Don't be daft lol, it was a wind them up and run 🤣