To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

But if they’re eating out they’d be cooking a full roast, just for your Gran. Whereas I can’t see how it’s any effort at all for you to cook a little extra and make another portion if you’re going to be cooking anyway? Does your Gran say thank you, if so what else matters?

Your poor Gran. Does she actually spend Christmas with anyone or is she just left with a plate delivery which apparently you can no longer manage?

It isn’t much effort you’re right but that’s not the point. I mean yes, she is my Gran, but me cooking for her frees up my parents to go about their Christmas Day the way they want to. So to never get a so much as a thank you, well it isn’t nice is it.

If you are the only one cooking at Christmas to be honest I can’t see the problem in just throwing a couple more potatoes etc in and doing Gran a plate.

Is it more that you have to deliver it to her? If so does she live far? Could someone not pick it up and drop it to her? Does Gran spend Christmas in her own?

Is there any need for that tone? I can manage it, that is not the point. My Gran isn’t left alone all day. She sees all of the family staggered throughout the day.

Sounds like it's time to change it up. This year you are not going to make and deliver Christmas dinner to Gran. Are you happy to make her a potion alongside your own and for your parents to pick it up to deliver? They could do this on their way to the fancy meal out! If not state you have done this for x years and it's someone else's turn.

Can you plate it up, but get your DPs to deliver it ?

It’s more the fact I have to leave my husband and kids at home on Christmas Day get in my car and drive when ideally I’d like to chill at home. No one has ever offered to drop of the meal for me and to e honest there is probably no point in asking as I know what the answer would be.

If they are dropping hints for you to do it it wouldn't kill them to thank you.
But I think your justified resentment of their attitude has clouded the way you actually feel about doing it.

Could you invite your gran to Christmas lunch with you all? - this would seem the best option: kinder, and saves you having to go out in the middle of your festivities.

If your Mum and Dad have no thought for gran's welfare, as it would seem, then who else is going to help her? Christmas is a family occasion and it is normal to include grans. Just because your parents have no decency, does not mean you have to copy them.

She’s your gran. Why would your parents thank you for it?

when I look after my gran, I don’t expect any thanks from my mum. That’s strange.

Tell them your going out for dinner this year and assumed they were sorting it? Hints wouldn't cut it with me im afraid ask me or do it yourself

My DP does the cooking so him dropping off the meal isn’t really and option as he’s usually doing other stuff whilst i’m gone and I text him when i’m on my way home so we can eat as soon as I get back. My parents go for their Christmas meal ridiculously early at around 12-12:30 and usually my husband has only finished cooking lunch at 1.30 and my parents are still out at that time so them dropping it off isn’t possible.

YANBU - Your parents could easily order a takeaway dinner from wherever they're eating this year & drop it off for her. It's OK people saying it's not much of a hardship for you to do it, but it only takes one thing (often small) to break the camels back.

Can you invite your gran over or can your parents take her out with them?

My gran coming here isn’t an option. My only toilet is up a steep set of stairs and she couldn’t make it up there.

One of the people dropping by to visit her picks the dinner up from you first?

I think it's cheeky of your parents but the only person you are punishing is your gran and that doesn't seem nice. Why don't you try telling your parents you aren't going to be leaving your house this year so they need a plan b for gran and see what they say. If they are as useless as you are insinuating then I think it would be kind of you to still sort your gran out. Is there any option to deliver some food the day before for her?

Is your gran unwell? Could she join them for Christmas out?

How far is the drive to hers?

Yanbu to think why can they not cook this year for your Grandmother, but ywbu not to send a plate for her.

Why would they thank me for it……really? Maybe because if I didn’t cook for my gran they’d be left with no choice but to cook for her which would then mean they couldn’t go about their day as they wish to.

Are you not close to your gran? Could she not spend the day with you? I'd give everything to have my granny back for one last Xmas

Yeah I love my Gran to bits but she needs access to a downstairs loo and we don’t have one. Plus our living room is tiny and we only have a table big enough for 4 people.

Your resentment is with your parents. Separate them in your mind from helping your Grandmother.

At the next hint from your parents, tell them they need to take your poor gran with them. They sound awful.

It’s not your turn, I wouldn’t get involved. I’m sure another visitor / family member could take a turn. This is why l don’t let precedents to be set for Christmas, otherwise you get landed with it for an eternity