To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I’m pretty sure I’ve consistently said “Don’t do it then”

This is one of the most awful threads I've read on here. That poor woman, I can't imagine treating an apparently "much loved" family member like this.
As for needing a thank you for spending time with your own Grandma on Christmas Day, words fail me.
Get an emergency chair out, hire a commode and have a proper family Christmas.

Firstly, you’re not responsible for the rest of your family, what they do or do not do. And, frankly, THEY don’t OWE you any thanks for what you do for your grandmother. If her being your grandmother, and appreciating what you do isn’t enough, then I wouldn’t do it.

Secondly, it sounds as if you go to see her regularly, and know her and she knows you quite well. Why don’t you have an honest conversation with her about how you feel? Just something along the lines of, you know I’ve not been too well this year, and I’m stressing about the rush on Christmas Day. Why don’t we come over and have a few hours on Christmas Eve with you, you could do present opening with her, and take her a meal for her to eat on Christmas Day. As she sees other family members on the day, she won’t be lonely, and spreading Christmas over 2 days would be nice for her and for your children, and reduce the stress for yourself.

It can be hard to accept, but your parents are not going to change their attitude towards your grandmother. None of us know why they have the attitude they do, but that’s irrelevant tbh. You do you, and let worry about themselves. One day, you might be the daughter who doesn’t want to bother with their parents on Xmas Day.

We are going around in circles with this . Two camps , Gran or zygone. The whole thing highlights assigned roles within a family and mental health . Some great support for op on here and some dreadful slating of an already struggling woman. Every year Christmas causes such wrangling in many a family. The ones on team gran should use that energy to volunteer for age concern on Xmas day they have a scheme where u can get to cook for an elderly person in their home. Great project .

We already give up 1.5 hours every Christmas Day to ferry our parents and grandparents to our house for the evening for cocktails and then pay for their taxis home afterwards.
I’m sure many other “team grans” give up similar time and cost to accommodate their elderly relatives.

I’m sure many other “team grans” give up similar time and cost to accommodate their elderly relatives.

As indeed has @Zygon for several years. This year she is struggling and would like one of her gran's actual children to step up and take responsibility for their mother. I don't understand how anyone can think she is being unreasonable.

This thread has really stirred up the posters. It’s made me think about if I was that Gran. The visiting is more important than the food. She gets that over the day. Lots of elderly don’t see anybody for weeks and then it’s a delivery driver . Zygone n gran need to have a good chat . If she was my grandchild I would be glad if all the constant help over the years. Then go over where I was at with her dad and others.

I absolutely understand where the OP is coming from. She has stepped up and done the right thing for years and her family have come to rely on it. This year the OP has a number of problems and would like to pass this on to another family member and this is entirely reasonable.

It is sad when grans become an encumbrance - not getting at OP of course! - see above. It is worth remembering all that they did for their children and likely their GC over the years. It is a sad and lonely business living alone when your body is failing you.

I have GC and have been widowed and, whilst I am fit and able to look after myself and enjoy a useful and productive life with lots of friends - and I still pick up GC from school - I have recently had back surgery and am just about to have cataracts removed and my DC have rallied round where needed, just as I always have done for them. And I know that in the fullness of time - in ten years or so - I might need more help - and I also know that it will be forthcoming; and that they know that I will be making suitable arrangements to make me less burdensome. But it comes to us all.

This.
I'd love, and I know both my parents would love to be able to cook for, and spend christmas day with either (or even better, both) my grannies again. Just once.
I'm sorry that your granny appears to be such a burden 😔

Yes it does seem that for the ENTIRE rest of her family Gran is a burden. Except for the OP who steps up, year after year. Poor OP she just wants a rest for once, she doesn't deserve this vitriol and has made her gran dinner every year and dropped it off, while everyone else in the family IGNORES the gran to do their own thing for Xmas lunch. If you read OP's posts properly you would see that the Gran gets a stream of visitors at Christmas throughout the day, any one of which would be capable of picking up, cooking and delivering a plate of food so why should it be down to the OP every year ?

OP you are not being unreasonable. Make the food, just tell someone else its their turn to deliver it this year and please ignore all the posters on here that cant be bothered to read the thread properly and have missed the point entirely.

It’s not clear but where and with whom is Gran eating her plate of food? If on her own is this what she wants? Is she disabled? Can she not join parents for meal? Can she come to you? How far away does she live? Etc

It’s not clear but where and with whom is Gran eating her plate of food? If on her own is this what she wants? Is she disabled? Can she not join parents for meal? Can she come to you? How far away does she live? Etc
All this would be clear if you had read the thread.

It sounds like you’ve been lovely to your gran and it’s reasonable you can’t always step up. Christmas Day it’s a lot of pressure even without your current issues. You’re right it’s not nice re your parent’s behaviour but have you pointed this out to them? What do they say? Beyond doing that you might have to let it go if they don’t respond well. You sound sort of distant from them.

Er, your parents re organise meal timing or get another seat at table? I can see this forum is a bit difficult to describe the full family dynamics I’m sure it’s very involved like everyone’s but the way it reads your parents are being irresponsible and selfish. As far as thanks go those on here pointing out not necessary with family well actually acknowledging gratefulness is an important part of any relationship. So what would happen if you just said no? Maybe just to the delivery of meal? Someone might step up when pushed?

I do not think that you're being unreasonable at all. I do feel for your gran but as many have said your parents need to take responsibility. Making xmas dinner is a big job but i would feel that going out in the car xmas day, leaving your family to drive somewhere is a big deal. I get it. Either you all need to take turns or your parents need to start taking responsibility and either take her with them or get the restaurant to playe up a meal for her. Many restaurants do this. You will probably feel bad if you don't do it but maybe like someone else said ypu need to state clearly that next year you won't!

My point wasn't clear.
I'm sorry that the granny is a burden to everyone in the family.
But. If it was me, I'd still plate up and bring it to her, if the rest of the family won't step up.
At least she'd know there was one person looking out for her.

OP it's the hassle of driving there and back on Christmas Day. I wouldn't want to either, sounds like you've been struggling (I highly recommend HRT)

I'd tell your parents they either take her with them or order a ready made Christmas dinner from somewhere.

Just say no.

You have done your bit. Time for others to do it.

But everyone else are also visiting her during the day.

Just not bringing a full roast.

Surely a fancy microwave meal would be better than a re-heated and transported dinner? Why can no one who visits also eat something with her? Even if they only have a small portion.