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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to do it this year

694 replies

Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:14

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/11/2022 14:29

@Zygon - with regards to your parents not bothering to thank you and your dh for cooking and delivering your gran’s Christmas dinner each year, you need to stand up for yourself. When they hint/ask you about doing it this year, say something like “Why would we do that when you never even bother to thank us for it? You do realise it means me taking an hour to drive over to Gran’s when I’d rather be at home with my own family?”

Then tell them they need to step up this year - either take your gran with them for their meal, or provide something she can heat up easily, or, IF you and your dh are still willing to plate her up a meal, they need to sort out getting it from your house to your gran’s.

Newmum0322 · 13/11/2022 14:30

MRex · 13/11/2022 13:57

It doesn't sound like much of a Christmas, everyone in their own little family units. If it were me I'd be thinking of ways to integrate her - like do neighbours have a toilet she can use? Or can you all go and cook at her house? Or all the family meet up out somewhere? Or precook the main meal bits, all go to her in the morning and come back together to warm up your meal at home. Or do a Christmas party one day but get a meal sent from the pub for her on the day.

Anyway, clearly you don't get along with your parents and that's fine. They still aren't the ones to thank you for helping you gran, because she's your actual gran, not some random mate of theirs.

This!

I know it’s not your fault or sole responsibility OP and not the purpose of the thread, but poor granny!! Dropping a plate for her to eat alone on Christmas Day! Your parents need to be told clearly that if they’re going out they can take her this her. Unless she was abusive or neglectful as a parent then I find their treatment of her, and reliance on you, really awful!

MovinOnUp · 13/11/2022 14:30

Do you get a thank you from your gran?

WhyWhyWhyMum · 13/11/2022 14:31

Could you take the kids and go and see your Gran on Xmas eve or Boxing Day instead? Then, tell your parents they need to sort Xmas day out!

Survey99 · 13/11/2022 14:31

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/11/2022 14:26

I would just it’s someone’s else’s turn this year and stick to it. Don’t be guilted into it, these tasks should be shared out, and it sounds like you need a break.

The "task" is an, allegedly, much loved gran on Christmas day. It is not a "task", her company should be a pleasure and an honour. Seems like OPs whole family do not value each other.

Tansytea · 13/11/2022 14:32

This is weird. I don't think it is your responsibility, but equally I can't imagine not feeling that it was mine. This is something I would want to do, I would not expect anybody to thank me, but if you don't want to do it, this year, then don't. Don't make it conditional on being thanked though.

Cruisebabe1 · 13/11/2022 14:32

MRex · 13/11/2022 13:57

It doesn't sound like much of a Christmas, everyone in their own little family units. If it were me I'd be thinking of ways to integrate her - like do neighbours have a toilet she can use? Or can you all go and cook at her house? Or all the family meet up out somewhere? Or precook the main meal bits, all go to her in the morning and come back together to warm up your meal at home. Or do a Christmas party one day but get a meal sent from the pub for her on the day.

Anyway, clearly you don't get along with your parents and that's fine. They still aren't the ones to thank you for helping you gran, because she's your actual gran, not some random mate of theirs.

So she is in the wrong then got putting herself first , due to health problems,? Her parents obviously have no thought about Gran , but it wouldn’t hurt them to invite her to come out with them. 🙄

TitaniasAss · 13/11/2022 14:33

Sorry, but I think it would be unkind for you to suddenly stop doing this for your gran. Can't you take your DC over when you drop it off? Why are you resentful of your parents having their Christmas dinner out? I agree that you should look after yourself and your mental health, but why does this one thing have such a negative affect on that? X

Delatron · 13/11/2022 14:34

I think you need to reframe Christmas. So as suggested you all go over as a family on Christmas Eve/Boxing day and bring some nibbles that don’t require cooking and spend a good few hours with her then.

I don’t think it’s fair that you do a one hour drive every Christmas Day and plus the time you are there. Reality is your parents should take her out for lunch with them. But failing that I’d arrange something better for a day surrounding. Then hopefully she will still have other family popping in on the actual day who can bring her some kind of meal. But I think it’s the company rather than the actual meal (which she eats alone?)

Emmamoo89 · 13/11/2022 14:35

Ignore all the aholes. Just ask your parents to do it. If your MH is bad you need to put yourself first. X

Newmum0322 · 13/11/2022 14:35

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 13/11/2022 14:25

What’s wrong with your parents being free to do as they please? You sound very bitter.

I would be delighted if my good deed for gran had the added benefit of mum putting her feet up. Is she not allowed to enjoy herself more than you, OP?

😂😂 a troll surely?

I’ll throw this one back at you… What’s wrong with the OP being free to do as she pleases? You sound very bitter!

LyndaLaHughes · 13/11/2022 14:36

What are your parents not taking her out with them? What selfish twats.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2022 14:36

It sounds as if no one can be bothered for your gran really and you end up doing the grunt work.

I would love to have a family member adore me and love me to bits in the way you and your gran do. I have never, ever experienced this and it really is something to cherish op.

If I were in your situation, I’d do something to make it work. Either by hiring a commode so that your gran could come to yours and use that instead of the loo or getting your gran to pay for a second hand small collapsible table and chairs for your her house. A table for 4 can usually accommodate one more person at a push or if not, you could perhaps get a tv table and your gran could eat on the sofa.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/11/2022 14:37

Tell your parents NOW, you can't do it this year. Don't say sorry, don't give excuses, just tell them 'we can't do grans dinner this year, you'll need to sort something else or take her out with you'.

Caroffee · 13/11/2022 14:37

Your parents are being selfish for not taking her out to dinner with them. Your aunt is also selfish.

Newlifestartingatlast · 13/11/2022 14:37

Favour237 · 13/11/2022 13:18

But if they’re eating out they’d be cooking a full roast, just for your Gran. Whereas I can’t see how it’s any effort at all for you to cook a little extra and make another portion if you’re going to be cooking anyway? Does your Gran say thank you, if so what else matters?

The issues is her having to get it there - not the cooking, if you read her post

Allsnotwell · 13/11/2022 14:38

I like the idea of your parents requesting an additional dinner to drop round after their lunch.

Just say no, you aren’t dropping it off but happy to provide a meal if someone else makes the drop off.

Dustybarn · 13/11/2022 14:38

Could you and the family pop over to see her for an hour or two on Christmas Eve instead? Take some bubbles, nice cheese and biscuits and some mince pies. That way she will get to spend some time with all of you. As she has other people visiting throughout the day on Christmas Day they can take care of her and you can spend the day with your immediate family. How your parents deal with it is their problem.

Zanatdy · 13/11/2022 14:38

Why not have her over for dinner?

BigglyBee · 13/11/2022 14:39

If it were just a case of feeling resentful, I think my reply would be different, but I get the feeling that you have too much to cope with at the moment, and something has to give. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

I think it would be a good idea to tell your grandmother that you can't manage to come on Christmas Day, and make other arrangements with her (Christmas Eve or Boxing Day maybe) so she knows you do want to see her, though.

Snugglemonkey · 13/11/2022 14:39

Would you not be visiting your gran anyway? And you are cooking anyway? So I am not seeing how this is arduous.
Honestly, this comes across as being really mean. Your problem is with your parents not needing to put in effort, I understand that, but why would your gran be the one you take it out on? Are you jealous your parents go out? How is your relationship with them in general?

Survey99 · 13/11/2022 14:40

MovinOnUp · 13/11/2022 14:30

Do you get a thank you from your gran?

Can you imagine being the gran. Stuck at home alone christmas day. You probably have to get up early in the morning to fit in with fleeting visits, who you know are only doing it out of duty, come in, wish you Merry Christmas, tell you about their exciting plans together then piss off to enjoy themselves leaving you alone again wondering why no one cares enough to invite you to theirs, until the next one shows up.

Until the visits dry up and you are left at home alone that evening, perhaps missing your late husband, wondering how it came to this, knowing your family and most of the country are all eating/drinking/laughing and being merry in their own little families while you sit there alone wondering what to do with yourself.

Not much to be thankful for.

Tootyfilou · 13/11/2022 14:40

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LaGioconda · 13/11/2022 14:41

You need to tell your parents it is their turn to take Gran out to dinner with them.

stuntbubbles · 13/11/2022 14:41

Separate your parents’ carefree lifestyle from your own difficult one. Who would you rather be: the arseholes who abandon their own mother on Christmas Day and let someone else take care of her, or the person who makes sure her grandmother gets a visit and a festive dinner? With any luck you’ll be the most fondly remembered in the will.