To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I said YANBU because it’s not your responsibility.

However, I genuinely feel it’s not that big a deal - I think possibly the way you are feeling just now makes it feel like a big deal?

Its your gran - don’t stoop to other peoples level.

Poor gran.

Why dont any of you like spending time together at Christmas?

I’d happily have Christmas Day with all of us together but my Gran lives in a tiny bungalow and the rest of us don’t have homes big enough to fit everyone. That’s not an excuse it’s just the truth.

Imagine being old and not wanted by anyone 😔

Tell the family this week you are considering going out for lunch so what’s should we do about gran this year?

I KNEW there would be some brothers lurking around, with no expectations had of them. How dare OP spend the day how she wants? She should dance to everyone else’s tune and not give her needs a second thought. Like l said in my last post; it’s not her turn and someone else needs to do it. It’s not OP role to “solve” it

'Dm & dd. Re gran's Xmas day, I won't be able to get her dinner to her. Would you like to order a taxi to take it over, ask a relative to take it over or have gran go out with you?'

When they ask why, say you can't do it.

This is so weird, you love her to bits but resent popping over with some food on Christmas Day. I would love the chance to see my gran for one more Christmas, honestly just give it another think over.

This is so bizarre to me.
If you can't have her at your house I would eat the dinner your DH cooked as normal and then after that I would take a plate to her with my kids and DH and spend an hour or so with her. Bloody hell I pray I'm not left alone and a burden for Christmas when I'm older.

I wish people wouldn't say this sort of thing.

The OP doesn't want to spend an hour on Christmas Day driving to her gran's house while the rest of the family - including the gran's own child - go out for a nice meal. She's got young children to spend the day with and I can see why she doesn't want to get up immediately after eating and drive for an hour.

This is confusing. You cook for your grandmother but your boyfriend can’t deliver the food as he’s “doing the cooking” when you’ve just cooked? So your grandmother doesn’t have the same meal as your family and you cook something separately? That’s why it’s exhausting. Don’t make two separate meals. Just increase the quantities slightly for your meal. And better still, have your grandmother come to you. That’s much nicer than a delivered meal. To me that says “we like you enough to cook for you but not enough to eat with you”. It’s a bit rude.

She sees all of the family staggered throughout the day so someone else can take food over for her?

Tell your parents now that you absolutely won't be doing it this year and that they need to make other arrangements.

So book a pub lunch for all?
I know some houses are small, I've been in really small properties, but I don't see why it's hard to fit 5 round a table that seats 4. Table in front of the sofa for extra seating, everyone laughs and muddles on.
My Nana's houses then flat were never big enough for 10-15, yet somehow we were all fitted in. Little ones sitting on the side table and bathroom stool, baby just passed around as she had no chair, two camp chairs brought by someone else, everyone having to get up if one needed the toilet and Grandad got his armchair wedged in the doorway one year when that was his only space left. We even all stayed over with 3 squished into the tiny living room floor space, one on the sofa, kids all top/tailing in the double bed. It was delightful.

I'd tell one of your brothers they need to take the food. Or someone can buy her a takeaway from wherever they're having their lunch and drop it off after.

Your family sound very selfish.

Totally agree.

Surely easiest option is a Carvery takeout, Christmas Eve boxed up. Drop off with your gran and she can reheat as she would on xmas day!

Love this is your gran! Your hubby cooks the meal and you take an hour from your day to visit her. I am guessing you are not visiting her twice in Christmas Day this is your only visit! So your question really is do people think I am being unreadable not visiting my gran on Christmas Day? Your parents are a red herring on this one.

I'd ask your father why he hasn't invited his own mother for lunch.

I'm of two minds on this. I can see why it rankles for everyone to always assume you will pick up the slack and not check whether it's ok.

But at the same time, if my grandparents were alive and they needed a meal dropping off to them, I wouldn't need to be asked or thanked by anyone. I would love to be able to see them at Christmas and help make sure they have a happy day

Message to parents

Just to let you know, you will need to take gran with you for xmas lunch this year. I have promised DH and kids I will spend the day with them.

End of message

Can't someone else do it this year ????

Why don’t you help out by phoning the restaurant to change the lunch reservation from two to three? You can then tell your parents the good news and mention you are going out for a Chinese (or whatever) this year.

I totally understand your point of view but feel so sorry for your Gran. The problem is your parents. They can't abdicate all responsibility for your gran so need to make arrangements. A solution could be they take a dinner to her in the morning or the night before. You deserve to have the Christmas day you want with your children.

It's hard because noone has a house that will fit everyone and you're the only one that actually cooks. Also presumably you want to see your gran at Christmas?

Options: see her in the morning and bring her christmas dinner the following day. Letting your parents take her out or someone else.

Make your christmas dinner earlier so you can take hers before you all sit down to have yours and relax for the rest of the day.

Tell your family that you're happy to make her dinner but need someone to come and deliver it.

All go out for Christmas dinner including gran.

For those of you who are saying I should have my Gran over to my house have you actually read my comments? I have an upstairs (steep stairs) toilet and no, she cannot use my neighbours loo, that’s rude.