To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

It might not help them but they’re the facts.
Her dad has made the decision that gran isn’t important enough to make Christmas Day plans with her.
OP is now in the position to make that same decision.
She’s free to not do it. She’s under no obligation.
It just boils down to it being important enough or not.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime
That's your perception and I don't agree that's what it boils down to.

have You got a family WhatsApp group? I would say I’m happy to cook for gran but can someone else do the plate delivery this year? And see who responds. If nothing else it will highlight the fact that others are not pulling their weight. And don’t explain why you don’t want to do the delivery. You might be pleasantly surprised- somebody may volunteer to do Gran the whole meal or take her out. Remember though your Gran won’t be around forever so try not to see it as too much if a chore, it’s only once a year and You are setting a great example to your kids- good will to all men…

I don’t agree. It’s absolutely relevant, of course she thinks her gran is important enough. I think she is upset that no one else seems to think that and that’s what the issue is.

But she doesn’t otherwise she wouldn’t see it as a chore and want to not bother doing it anymore.
Imagine you’re gran. Would you want your granddaughter to feel like this about coming to see you on Christmas Day and bringing a bit of food or would you tell her not to bother?

Yep

I don’t think she sees seeing her gran on Christmas Day as a chore. I think it’s the leaving her family when lunch is ready, driving half an hour, not having quality time with her gran because she needs to drive half an hour back to have lunch with her family. If I was gran I’d get get why she might appreciate someone else sorting out my meal one year so that her and the kids could come and visit properly.

So why doesn’t she change the time she goes? Why not go after they’ve eaten while husband clears up?

I suggested the same in my first post on the thread and I imagine she will do that if no one else steps up but I think the point of the post was to check she wasn’t being unreasonable in feeling this way about no one else offering to help and I don’t think she is.

Well that’s my point. She sees it as a chore that she doesn’t want to do any more. So maybe she just shouldn’t.

You can see someone as important and still want your family members to take their turn.

Why is everything so black and white with you? Do you not see that most people take turns with other family members?

For example, my sister doesn’t work and could take my mum to all of her hospital appointments.

Just because my sister could take her to them all, doesn’t mean she should, so for some of mum’s appointments I take the morning or day off to take my mum. My sister shouldn’t feel that she is the only one expected to take mum to hospital, because she could start to feel like she’s being taken for granted.

How is “everything” black and white for me? What other opinions do you know of mine?

If you love someone and value them, you don’t care what other people are doing or aren’t doing because you want to help them and see them at Christmas, especially for one hour, one day a year.

If you’re concerned with how much effort other people are putting in on that one day a year and feel that you are putting in more and you resent that fact, you probably shouldn’t bother doing it.

Things are black or white with you because either OP takes food to gran every Christmas or if she doesn’t it’s because she doesn’t love her gran.

It’s not wrong for OP to want her dad to step up.

But he won’t. So her choice is to take the food or not and that boils down to how bothered she is about her gran.

Would say her dad cares for gran in this situation?

How do you know he won’t?

I’ve read the thread

There is also an aunt, op's siblings and cousins. Why can't any one of these people step up?

I’m not on those kinds of terms with OP or her family.

Where does OP say he won’t?

He’s already booked and presumably paid for his meal.
Maybe you’re right, maybe he will take his mum along. Hopefully OP will update.

They won't step up because OP won't tell them to. She's made a mountain out of a molehill and herself a martyr, because she can't possibly speak to her family and say how she feels.

You mean whinge.

You couldn’t actually be more wrong here.like oppposite of facts.because someone with mental illness or health issues cannot just choose to summon up strength to do things from somewhere.and there issues can stop them from doing the huge to the tiny.it can stop them stepping one foot out of bed or it can stop them having the capacity to drive over to deliver a meal.facts. This isn’t a choice.it’s not something you “get over it mate “ enough to just do it.if your struggling and you can’t then you really really can’t.no amount of pressure or wanting to do said thing will help.in fact pressure will only make it worse and cripple you more stopping you infect from doing other things!

Exactly this Kateandme. It’s the bigger picture of the roles Zygone has . This year the role is beyond her. Let the woman have a rest and another family member do it .