To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

I’m not a troll at all. I just think it’s odd that OP’s main issue with this seems to be her parents having a good time and them not being suitably grateful, neither of which would concern me personally.

And for your question, the OP should of course do as she pleases. It’s just for me that would include continuing to take my lovely grandma a dinner on Christmas Day. We do actually drive an hour out of our way to pick up my husband’s grandma on Christmas Day - never occurred to me I should resent the fact that it makes my MIL’s life easier 🤷🏻‍♀️

It depends. If by refusing you think you will force someone else to do it, then fair enough.
But if you know they definitely won't, then unfair or not, they need to be factored out of the situation, which leaves just you and your gran.
Is there a compromise, like taking her some cold food on Christmas eve for Christmas day and taking the hot dinner on boxing day? Or taking her a ready meal Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve? Or cooking her a mini dinner with a turkey breast and again taking it over in advance?

Why on earth would I be jealous of my parents going out for a meal? That’s a bit of an odd comment. Me my dh and dc could eat out on Christmas Day but we chose not to as we all like to eat at home.

Cancel the cheque... ahem ...why not have her over for dinner?

OP, I get it - everyone else does whatever they want and you have to interrupt your Christmas dinner with your children for an hour's round trip to deliver a meal.

Tell them you aren't able to, so they'll need to sort out a takeaway/extra place at their reservation/COOK ready meal/etc themselves as you're having a break.

See your gran for a proper visit at a time that works for you over the Christmas period.

I completely understand why you would feel resentment.

I would flag early this year to your parents that you aren’t able to do a plate for Gran this year, I’d and leave at that. No need to
explain why, just frame it as “I’m letting you know as you probably want to sort an alternative arrangement this year.” They clearly are expecting you to do it so that they don’t have to. Let them sort it out and don’t get involved; they seem like the sort who won’t act unless they really think nobody else will.

I think you're being really mean. I get you feel resentful at having to be the one to do it but she's your gran! and it's Christmas. Is it just that you can't be bothered? Your sen daughter and peri menopause are not relevant. You're not even cooking it if your husband does the cooking. How long is the drive?

It sounds like your main issue is feeling like your parents aren’t helping enough and so the responsibility always falls to you.

Just have an honest conversation with them, that it’s a big disruption to your day and as you’ve done it the last few years you feel it’s their turn so it would be nice if she could have lunch out with them.

You can please everybody all of the time, and sometimes it’s ok to put your own needs first.

I'd go to the ends of the earth to see my granny again. Wouldn't even expect a thank you, it's family.

This, could you not invite her to yours? Plating up a meal is no big deal.

1. where do you suggest the op place this festive commode? The kitchen or the living room maybe? Utterly bizarre idea.

2. op is having a shit year, feeling mentally done in, so how is having to deal with picking up and dropping off gran, empty commodes etc, squeezing someone extra round the table (all whilst looking after a child with additional needs) giving her a less stressful Christmas? You don’t relish an hours drive there and back this year op, no problem, do it twice🙄🙄

Gran clearly has lots of other relatives, so why can’t one of them actually step up and sort it out this year?

You cook it - your DF takes it over ( it’s his mum)

Why don't your parents want to see your gran on Christmas day? I find all the individual units not wanting to mix or eat a Christmas dinner with your gran really depressing tbh. What a sad existence for her.

Can I ask - is/was your gran a massive bitch? I'm not being facetious, I'm genuinely trying to understand what she's done to make her own children feel that leaving her to eat alone on Christmas day is acceptable. I host my husband's grandmother every Christmas. She's hard work/grumpy etc, but it wouldn't cross my mind to leave her on her own.

With regards to your issue - I can see why an hour's round trip away from your kids on Xmas day is unwanted. I think you need to speak to your parents and ask them to find a solution.

So you’re actually complaining about driving the meal over which your partner cooks ? I don’t think you’d get the satisfaction you seem to be seeking from your parents by depriving your poor gran in the way you are describing. You’ve got this all wrong I’m afraid to say (I don’t mean to be unkind but you sound spiteful )

This is such a tricky one as at the end of the day if you don’t cook for your Gran, she misses out on a home cooked roast. I have two children both with severe needs so understand how things can be difficult. If you really didn’t want to deliver it could someone else, or could you get her a really nice fancy microwave meal?

Conversations don't go that way though do they? In real life the family members would reply
'Oh can't you? Why's that then?' So the OP might just as well explain in the first place.

I would leave it to your grans 2 children to solve between them. Forever and always.

OP you're absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You have been very kind to your gran and continue to be.

It is a lot to have an hours round trip on Christmas day to deliver a meal when you have children at home - you've shown your more than happy to take your turn and have no problem doing that. The problem is no one else is bothering. I don't understand why you are getting a hard time.

Your Dad and your aunt need to sort this out.

I would send them a joint message - Hi, have your thought about gran's/your mum's Christmas dinner this year yet? If you're stuck I can make her a meal again but someone will need to collect and deliver it to her - I'm going to see her on xx instead this year. Can you let me know by xx if you want me to make a plate up for her again and who will be collecting it? I'll assume that one of you are cooking for her/taking her out for a meal otherwise.

or just read Grapewrath's suggestion - that is probably better.

If they push back - 'no, I did it last year - you will need to decide between you who is doing it this year'.

Bloody hell, no wonder this Country is so fucked. 69% voted that she is not being unreasonable for not wanting to take her poor Gran a plated up meal on Christmas day. What an utterly selfish and self absorbed society we have become.
Your poor Grandmother...

Oh no my Nan is lovely. Don’t get me wrong she is very particular and can be a bit difficult sometimes with various things but generally she’s you’re typical grandma.

It’s not nice but surely you’re doing it out of love for your man and not for a “thank you”?

its not OPs job to do it every year. My mum wouldn’t be so selfish as to put this on me every year. Happily rotate, but OPs parents expect her to do it every year. Calling her bitter for wanting to spend Christmas her own way for once is just spiteful and unnecessary.

I’d just explain it’s a bit much for you to do this year and suggest your mum and dad pick up an extra Christmas meal on their lunch out and drop it off at your nans on the way home.

YANBU for not offering. You don't have to offer, you can spend your time however you want without obligation.

However I don't think you're going to get what you want from this thread. You presumably offer because you care about your gran, but the same way you aren't obligated, neither is anyone else. Nobody is going to be able to give you permission to do this with a clear conscience - that's something you have to give yourself.

I would look at this another way: Christmas is just another day really, if we take away all the pomp and expectation. Except for those that don't have anyone around, in which case it is a day of acute loneliness. You sound stressed and in need of a break and some self care generally, not just Christmas Day. Fill your own cup a bit (easier said than done I know) and you might find that seeing your gran and caring for her on Xmas day will bring you some joy.

Drop Granny off at A&E on Christmas Eve, says she confused, incontinent and you’re not coping then she’s no longer a burden on the family and the NHS can deal with her.

You’d be surprised how many do this every year.

Your parents are selfish and strange IMO. Surely they can eat out any day of the year together just the two of them. Christmas should be about family and sharing. I can’t imagine booking a meal out and leaving close family at home to just eat a delivery by themselves.