Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to do it this year

694 replies

Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:14

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

OP posts:
Countdown2023 · 13/11/2022 13:35

Bounce the ball back to your parents. They can sort out gran this year so you can enjoy the day with your children

Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:36

No my Gran isn’t unwell she’s in great health surprisingly for her age. She could go for the meal with my parents but they didn’t ask her if she wanted to go. They just went and booked it for the two of them.

OP posts:
UhhhhhhhOK · 13/11/2022 13:36

Hint at your parents to take your gran out
Just say you are too busy

PuppyMonkey · 13/11/2022 13:36

Yeah, good point, forget my earlier suggestion - one of the other staggered visitors can cook her dinner and drop it off this year.

GreenManalishi · 13/11/2022 13:36

Tell your parents there will be a dinner ready and waiting for Gran, that they can collect after xx time and deliver to her and pop in the oven for her when they get there.

Thelnebriati · 13/11/2022 13:38

There are two issues; what do you want from your parents, and do you want to do Xmas dinner for your Gran?
Its not OTT to ask your parents to say thank you since they are asking you to do them a big favour. But how will they react to that, will they thank you or will they make a big song and dance about how awful you are?

Geepee71 · 13/11/2022 13:38

It's rubbish when you do a nice thing and it then becomes an obligation and your 'job'

Jadedandlost · 13/11/2022 13:39

It’s someone else’s turn, full stop.

Divebar2021 · 13/11/2022 13:39

What a miserable set up - poor old Gran. I bet she’d be upset to find out she was this incredible burden. The fact that no one invites her to any of these celebrations is just rotten. What a miserable bunch.

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/11/2022 13:39

Do you have a family WhatsApp? If so just say on that "I'm happy to cook food for Gran as usual but can't take it to her. Who will deliver it to her?"

ApolloandDaphne · 13/11/2022 13:40

How far is it and how long does it take out of your day?

AltheaVestr1t · 13/11/2022 13:43

GreenManalishi · 13/11/2022 13:36

Tell your parents there will be a dinner ready and waiting for Gran, that they can collect after xx time and deliver to her and pop in the oven for her when they get there.

Yes, this. It's not the dinner that's the issue, it's the dropping off.

Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:44

It’s just under a half hour drive each way so not to far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zygon · 13/11/2022 13:46

The issue is i’m not close with my dad’s sister or any of my cousins. I hardly see them so I can’t really message them and ask them to drop off the meal. My brothers both go out for Christmas dinner with their wives and kids and there is no way they’d take time out of their day.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 13/11/2022 13:47

Could you send it by taxi?

Whiskers4 · 13/11/2022 13:48

I think I'd tell your parents, you're not going to do it this year, see what they say. Two reasons you're not feeling great and the fact you want to share the time with your family and help DH do the last bits of the meal, which I'd sure he'd appreciate.

As a matter of interest, how does your Gran get her hot meals at other times?

Choconut · 13/11/2022 13:49

Why don't you ask them straight up why they don't ever take gran with them? I would do it this year but tell them that next year you want them to do something because it's not your turn and you'll be letting gran know that they are planning it.

sparkleystuff · 13/11/2022 13:53

Perhaps a little white lie would do the trick? You aren't having a traditional meal this year on Xmas Day ? You have been invited out? You are having a take away as you are fed up the traditional Xmas dinner?

PuppyMonkey · 13/11/2022 13:54

Could granny get a Marks and Sparks bung it in the oven and heat it up Christmas dinner?

*waits for OP to come up with a reason why this won’t work at all, like everything else suggested.Wink

MRex · 13/11/2022 13:57

It doesn't sound like much of a Christmas, everyone in their own little family units. If it were me I'd be thinking of ways to integrate her - like do neighbours have a toilet she can use? Or can you all go and cook at her house? Or all the family meet up out somewhere? Or precook the main meal bits, all go to her in the morning and come back together to warm up your meal at home. Or do a Christmas party one day but get a meal sent from the pub for her on the day.

Anyway, clearly you don't get along with your parents and that's fine. They still aren't the ones to thank you for helping you gran, because she's your actual gran, not some random mate of theirs.

OriginalUsername2 · 13/11/2022 13:57

Is Granny a woman or a cardboard cut-out you all take turns to deal with?

howmanybicycles · 13/11/2022 13:59

It sounds like cooking is not a problem. Rather, you don't like dropping it off. Xmas dinner reheats well and if it's any real distance to your grans (which I guess it must be to cause any degree of problem?) then it will going cold when it gets there anyway. Hence, I'd ask your parents to pick it up and take it to your grans after they finish their lunch. Gran can have it for tea. It sounds like your parents want to make Xmas feel special which is hard when it's just adults alone. So to find a solution which involves them not having to cancel something important to them is the best thing rather than expecting them to pretty much forego their sense of celebration on Xmas day.

MRex · 13/11/2022 14:00

I would also suggest that Gran would much prefer a few hours of a visit in the morning plus a microwave meal, rather than a tastier meal thrust at her from the front door while you're rushing back to your "family". Have you asked her what she would like?

PlentyO · 13/11/2022 14:00

I don't see this as a big deal tbh, it's a bit of extra food and a trip out on Xmas day. Unless you are constantly doing favours for all your family, I wouldn't see you doing this as anymore than a relative being thoughtful.

heretohelp22 · 13/11/2022 14:00

I'm probably quite biased as my grandparents are no longer here but I think YABU. I'd do anything to have my grandma back so I could take her a Christmas dinner or invite her over. Every Christmas I long and wish for my grandma and grandad to still be here. They passed 5 and 2 years ago and I was very close with them.