To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

Because she the mother of op’s dad. Why wouldn’t he thank her?

You could call ataxi and pay them the fare, the driver will be more than happy to deliver a well packed up meal.
Pre arrange it with the taxi company, I'm not sure but they probably won't mind so long as they're paid

Wow. Poor auld gran has every Xmas alone, and you resent even dropping her off some dinner! Maybe you could drop in a packet of biscuits the week before, she could nibble on those!

Why are you expecting thanks from your parents? Surely Gran says thank you? That's the point.

My Nana's houses then flat were never big enough for 10-15, yet somehow we were all fitted in. Little ones sitting on the side table and bathroom stool, baby just passed around as she had no chair, two camp chairs brought by someone else,

This how many of us remember Christmas or still spend Christmas. “Emergency chairs”, sitting on a Yellow Pages on a step stool, etc. My aunt one year sat the children on the stairs, one on each step, with a plate on their laps. It’s all part of the fun. For just one day it’s fine. No one will die if they have to balance a tea tray on their lap sitting in a deck chair.

Poor gran not being allowed to come because the table officially only seats 4.

Ruder than letting granny be alone every single Xmas?

I'd have no problem letting my neighbours gran in for the loo, who would? Or you can hire a commode.

Can Gran cook for herself at all?

I thought I’d made that bit clear? Seeing is if I didn’t cook my parents would then have to sort something themselves and plainly change their plans. Me cooking for my Gran means my parents are free to do as they please. A thank you for that would be appreciated.

Bless you, sounds like you are dealing with a lot, posting here can leave you to the vultures and you don’t need to have extra shitty people going on at you, I understand your plight, and I think after reading all the comments that, it’s the delivery of the meal and more importantly you being able to be assertive that’s the real issue, so my opinion is; tell your parents that there will be a plate of food ready for your gran at 1:45, can they arrange for someone to come and pick it up please. If they push you to deliver, say that is absolutely not going to happen, you are being kind enough to cook again and this year you are prioritising resting and enjoying your family time. It’s not unreasonable at all to ask them to sort it. They sound very selfish!

Or… more to the point, why don’t they take the grab with them for dinner or buy another dinner to takeaway! Not OPs responsibility to do it every year. They’re all family

The love so much isnt coming across in your posts

I think you need to speak to your parents and tell them how you feel - especially the fact that it has become an expectation from them and they don't even bother to thank you. They sound a bit selfish?

Do they get on with your gran well? Do they go and see her at all on Christmas day? Is there a reason why they don't invite her out for the meal with them?

As a family everyone, especially gran's children, should be making sure that gran has visitors and a dinner on Christmas day - not just you.

Well, they could abandon Granny the same as you'd like to, so no, they wouldn't really have to change anything.

Either your gran is in “great health” or she can’t manage a flight of stairs for the toilet (that she might not even need to use). You can’t have it both ways, OP. You’re just making up excuses.

Poor gran not being allowed to come because the table officially only seats 4.

If you read the thread properly, you will see it's not about the size of the table, the toilet is not accessible.

OP, you need to say something to your parents otherwise you'll just spend the run up to Christmas burning with resentment. Tell them as soon as possible that they have to make alternative arrangements for your gran's Christmas lunch as you can't do it this year. No further reason/explanation required.

It’s just under a half hour drive each way so not to far

That's an hour out of your Christmas day driving, plus whatever time you spend with your gran when you get there. I think that is a lot to ask every year. I would be pissed off too. Someone else could offer to take a turn.

You're really kind op. I'm sure your gran appreciates you.

Not OPs responsibility to do it every year.

This

What’s wrong with your parents being free to do as they please? You sound very bitter.

I would be delighted if my good deed for gran had the added benefit of mum putting her feet up. Is she not allowed to enjoy herself more than you, OP?

I really don’t understand why so many people are giving the op such a hard time. She’s having a shit year, and just for once would like a Christmas that’s a little less stressed. She’s been the only one to make sure her gran has had a full Christmas dinner every year for the last few years, so how is that not caring? Clearly there are numerous other nearby relatives happy to be too lazy to bother, so why is it op (the one who clearly does care) getting such nasty comments on here??

Op I think you need to send a message to your immediate, and wider family, stating that whilst it’s been fine for you to make sure Nan has a nice Christmas dinner for all these years, this year it’s not something you can manage, so they need to decide amongst themselves who will be doing it. Then leave them to it.

I would just it’s someone’s else’s turn this year and stick to it. Don’t be guilted into it, these tasks should be shared out, and it sounds like you need a break.

I know this may seem an odd solution, but here goes...

How about inviting your gran over, and hiring a commode for her to use downstairs? I'm sure your children would love for her to visit for the day.

Feeling sorry for your gran too. So many barriers being put up to justify why she cannot eat a meal with someone in her family and she ends up eating a lonely pre-plated meal begrudgingly drop off by one of many who drop by for a few minutes but obviously would much rather be elsewhere.

A table for 4 is easily extended to fit in one more. You should see some of the table set ups we have done in the past with family members even sitting on a nest of tables when we ran out of chairs! If she is healthy and well enough to get out and about can she be helped up and down your stairs? Christmas dinner is not about the table, chairs, tablecloth, it is about the people around the table however you squeeze them in. Teach your children this by example before they, or their children are excluding you from their Christmases.

What you decide to do is up to you and your conscience, but if others don't step up I would just have to as the alternative of leaving her alone at home with a series of short visits is terrible.

Tell your parents to order a meals to go from the restaurant and they can take it over.

Wow. Whilst I did expect a bit of backlash, I mean it’s notorious on this board right, I didn’t expect some of the comments I’ve had. I’ve explained that I’ve been struggling with my mental health this year and it’s really taken it’s toll. I also have a dc with SEN who takes up A LOT of my time. I’m the type of person who runs around after everyone else doing favours etc and I told myself after getting to a really ebb a few months back that I need to start thinking about me more and putting myself first sometimes.

Hold your boundary:
’mum and Dad- I’m not really up to cooking and delivering dinner to Gran this year so if you’re going out for dinner you need to start thinking about sorting delivery or whatever for her’
It sounds as though you look after gran a lot and everyone else seems to do whatever they like at Xmas, without considering you. That needs to change

Heck - it is one day on the year - could your parents not have her join them on their meal out!? Seems a bit mean not to. Why don't you suggest it to them?

I hate the way older people are treated as spare parts and encumbrances. There is a difference between them becoming intrusive (and not recognising that and everyone needs space) and including them on special days. Your parents should step up - it will be them one day.

Looking back on the manic Christmas days when the children were small, an excuse for a lone drive for a litle time would have been blissful!