"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

It is hard, but you can't make people want to spend more time with your dc.

Is it that family don't want to see them at all, or that they don't want to see them as much as you expected?

I think the problem with moving away is that people inevitably adjust and fill up their lives with other activities and commitments. And if family missed out on building a strong bond when DC were little it is harder later.

But it is really tough to move and not have things work out how you expected.

Depends on your expectations and what the family is actually doing

why are they a disappointment ? For not making you and your family their priority when you've only just moved back
Would you like them to drop all their previous obligations ?
The new comer normally tries to fit in IMO

I think when you’ve lived away for a long time people’s lives grow without you being there - it’s hard then for them to incorporate you back into their lives. I’ve seen it happen many times, folks lives continue without you being a daily part of it so adjusting to include you becomes tricky.

I hear you we moved out of the area everyone clammoured about never seeing the children about missing them about the distance between us etc etc so we moved back literally saw them less than before because they have there own lives you know.....yes I do know but I uprooted two fucking kids for you the least you can do is visit or allow us to visit how can you possibly be more busy when we are around the corner!

Honestly, if you move away for years and opt out of your families’ lives, you can’t be upset when you decide to return and find that they’re used to carrying on without you.

Family lives with children tends to be very busy. What is happening at the moment and what would you prefer to be happening?

More context needed

Families are strange at time, I think the fact you lived far away for a period of time can work both ways, people are either used to you being away and so carry on as normal or people make an effort as they haven’t seen you,

do you make an effort with other people?

I have a friend who moans that I don’t make an effort to meet up however she doesn’t make an effort to keep in contact , it’s always me that makes the first point of sporadic contact.

From other people's perspective you pursued your own life when you moved away. Now you're back and you want them to revolve around you?

I think the problem with moving away is that people inevitably adjust and fill up their lives with other activities and commitments. And if family missed out on building a strong bond when DC were little it is harder later.

I was going to write what @Stompythedinosaur wrote.

I agree with this

I think whoever says to you that “yes but people have their own lives” is also telling you that loud and clear

What was your relationship like when you moved away? What effort are you making now?

How old are the kids? It's a bit unreasonable of you to be away for many years then come back and just expect people to make plans with you but I get that's a bit disappointing for you.

What sort of thing were you expecting? Yanbu to feel disappointment but I think it's largely true people have their own lives. That said I don't know many people who are very close to their extended relatives even if they do live in the same country; of course families are different but it's a lot different to bemoan lack of interest from your sibling than great aunt Martha iyswim?

What were you expecting? You happily moved away and presumably enjoyed living abroad. Your family do have their own 'lives' .. ie work/hobbies/friendships/volunteering commitments or whatever ... do you expect them to drop them all so that they can spend time with you?
Do you genuinely never see your family? Do you instigate invitations etc or expect them to be 'available' as and when it suits you to see them?
I would never assume my family 'are available' ... we make invitations and plans to meet up if mutually convenient and accept that everyone does, yes, 'have their own lives'.

I have a colleague who spends all her time with her husband, mum or sisters but that is because she doesn't actually have a life outside that really. If people have busy social lives, they aren't going to prioritise family every time.

You didn't seem too bothered about spending time with them when you moved abroad.

It seems to me that you 'had your own lives' when you moved abroad, away from these family members, so naturally they continued having their own lives without you, and you can't expect them to change everything to accommodate you now you've come back.

I live near my ds and the dgc, so we've all incorporated ourselves into each other's lives. Babysitting, school pickups etc. Yours have obviously learnt to manage without you. It's going to take a lot of hard work, OP.

I think the problem with moving away is that people inevitably adjust and fill up their lives with other activities and commitments. And if family missed out on building a strong bond when DC were little it is harder later.

Exactly what I was going to write.

We moved away as a childless couple. Moved back when the DC were very young. We have been back for two years and lucky if we see GP or siblings once twice per month now. Extended family we have seen maybe two or three times in two years. Friends we don't see a lot but again they are busy with their own extended families.

I don't have any expectation of help with childcare, I pay a fortune for nursery however I've always done that so I'm used to it. Most weekends we spend on our own with the DC, I used to try and organise things but now I've given up.

Just makes me sad that we uprooted our lives and gave up so much so the DC could know their family and they barely see them

In what way has it it been a disappointment?

It could just be that your expectations were unrealistic, rather than your family being unsupportive.

You can’t leave your families to live abroad for years and then be upset that they can’t just slot back in perfectly when you turn up later wanting family for your children.

It's hard to know what to say as I don't know what you're expecting of them - if you're asking them around every week, not reasonable to expect them to jump to it. Asking them round every few months for someone's birthday or just to get together - not unreasonable to expect to see them.