"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

Twice a month is barely seeing them? Why aren't you out doing things with friends?

Seeing GP and siblings once/twice a month is quiet a lot when you’re all working full time. That’s 2 free days out of 8.

Kindly, you choosing to ‘uproot’ yourselves and move back doesn’t mean people are obligated to do anything.

While you were gone peoples lives changed. They formed their own lives. They have their own activities, obligations.

Your kids see them more than they would when you were out of the country. But no one’s life is going to change completely because you came back and had certain expectations of what that looked like.

How often are you expecting to see them? Once or twice a month sounds normal to me! Surely then on the other weekends you're doing things just as a family unit or seeing friends etc?

Should also add that my children are the only Grandchildren on both sides

I genuinely think people are busier than before, mostly when they're invited or in need they'll come.

Life is busy and stressful.

Can you organise a get-together? If it wasn't for my organiser Dsis we probably wouldn't meet often.

It takes a pull sometimes.

Other times family are overrated.

We live and always have lived within a 5 minute drive of DHs parents and an hours drive from my parents. Neither of which have ever given a flying fuck about being involved in our kids lives. Unless there was specific plans for them to be involved in your child's lives such as offering childcare etc you have made a massive assumption that they would be bothered and unfortunately found out that is not the case. You can't make people interested so you either out up with it or move to where you will be happy.

You’re seeing family twice a month, how many times do you want to see them?

If you have two sets of grandparents, minimum one sibling each and you're seeing them 1/2 per month, isn't that most weekends days taken up seeing family? What more do you want?

You keep avoiding answering questions.

I probably haven't been clear with this. I mean for example we will maybe see one family member one day in July, then in August we have seen a different family member. Most people live within a 20 minute drive of us yet we can go several months without seeing anyone.

Where we lived previously we were socialising most weekends as had a close friendship group so I'm just sad I gave that up.

Oh twice a month?! I missed that. Surely thats plenty you don't need to live in each others pockets.

Did you get used to everyone making a fuss when you lived away and visited? It sounds like you see them quite often, I think my youngest has seen his grandparents/aunts/uncles on his fathers side once or twice this year.

In what way am I avoiding answering questions? 🙄

Thing is OP when you were childless you moved abroad so spent little
time with your parents, siblings and most importantly any children especially teens in your families.

So you are not incorporated into these individuals lives and weren't around for them.

Now you have children you can't expect them to just want to be around you.

Yes I've realised that my expectations were too high. Probably because I have a few friends from my home town that have very involved families on both sides and I just assumed it would be the same for us. It was my mistake it would seem.

Were you close before kids?
How far is the distance?
Will it be better to move back? Jobs and lifestyle and family life wise?
What do they spend their time doing and prioritise?

Sorry you have had a bad experience. Families and people are different. Make the choice best for you.

How long have you been back and what age are your kids now?

As you settle into a routine of play dates and activities you might find one or two family meet ups per month is plenty!

I am very close to my sister, we talk most days, and she lives pretty close to me. Physical meet ups, though, are infrequent, we are both busy at weekends and weeknights don't suit

This.

Just makes me sad that we uprooted our lives and gave up so much so the DC could know their family and they barely see them

This sounds like you expected them to all welcome you home with a fatted calf like in the story of the prodigal son.

I am similar to you in that l lived overseas for 14 years until this year. My DC were both born overseas. We didn’t see family for 2 years as we lived in a country with closed borders due to covid. We now live close to some of DH’s family and about 90 min drive from my parents/ within an hour of most other family members. We don’t see them that much- the dc are at the same school as one of their cousins but we don’t really hang out at weekends etc. I don’t think you can compare it to where families have always lived side by side as they’ve integrated each other into their lives. If you leave, you create a vacuum that gets filled by other people. They can’t then bin off those people when you arrive back. when you move back you’re trying to create a new life So have plenty of slots free whereas theirs is already full. To see you more they have to give something up that is valuable to them.

also I think when people say “it would be lovely to see more of you” or “we miss the gc” they are being genuine but they’re not really thinking about how it’s actually going to work. Weeks are taken up with school and work. The dc have sport commitments at weekends and GPs not of an age where they want to stand on a freezing sideline for 90 minutes. All DH’s siblings have v busy jobs and sometimes work weekends, plus some of them have their own dc with hobbies and parties etc. At first I was slightly holding off on dc’s activities as I didn’t want us to be the people that didn’t have time for anyone but then I realised we had to create our own lives and that the memories of lovely summer family outings when we used to visit were unrealistic on a regular basis.

Thank you.

Yes we have decided to move back to where we lived previously. Another big upheaval for the DC but I'm known now that we aren't missing out on anything here.

I'm surprised by the responses here.

In my circle of friends either:

• Grandparents are very involved. Seeing children frequently and doing childcare etc
• Grandparent aren't involved at all and see children a few times a year if that. Parents are hurt that GP don't feel the need to see the GC
• Grandparents aren't involved. Parents accept it and get on with their own lives and adjust their boundaries.

I think my children are amazing and I found it hurtful that we were so far down the list. I got sick of feeling like that and have accepted it.

In real life noone ever told me it was my own fault they weren't involved (we had a period of living away too) and most parents I know do expect invokvement of the grandparents. I know friends who get tons of help (childcare, cooking, renovations, seeing grandparents most weeks) and it was hard to stomach for a while, knowing family wouldn't even get on a 40 minute train to see us for a coffee.

Twice a month sounds like a fair amount to be seeing them. How often would you like?

OP I hear you.
My gran is in her final stretch of life and I live abroad. I came back to the UK to be with her and spend time with her. She has 4 children and my mum does everything. My one uncle is retired, and has been up once, making it quite clear that this ins an inconvenience, trotting out the whole 'we have things that we do back home/we have our own lives/I have new wardrobes to put together/I play golf on Mondays/aunt has a lunch on Wednesdays'. It sickens me. They will have plenty of time to 'live their lives' when she has gone.

Hang on. You have already made the decision to move back.

So you are living your own life as well.

These were your (you and their fathers) decisions you made.

Not sure you can moan that people having their own life means they don’t give a shit, when you lived your own life by moving away in the first place and now choosing to to live your own life again by moving again.

Have you actually communicated this to your families? The reason you moved back and why it’s not working out for you?

My sister moved abroad in the early 80s and phone calls were hugely expensive so we only spoke on the phone at Christmas and birthdays.

These days we could face-time or whatever for free any time we like, but we don't, it's still Christmas and Birthdays as that's what we are used to.

So I think that sadly your family just got used to you not being there.