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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"People have their own lives"

406 replies

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 09:18

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

OP posts:
Venetiaparties · 15/11/2022 12:53

MrsDooDaa · 15/11/2022 12:46

Time is a finite resource. If a life has been filled with friendships while family is away, you are saying that time now needs to be rescheduled from friends to family.

So the friends comment is relevant.

The GPs could now have a balancing act between friends who have been good to them while family was away and spending time with the grandchildren, who are now here.

Most people have enough time for everyone.

I have lots of friends, young teens, work and I have a large family. Most people manage to prioritise and include others as much as possible. I wouldn't drop my friends exactly, but I would explain to my friends how much it meant to me to have my dd and my gcs back. I would imagine most decent friends would not mind at all, and be happy that such a wonderful development has taken place, and would accommodate a few changes effortlessly.

I get the feeling op's parents are actively choosing not to bother, and haven't for the past two years. No one is THAT busy.

TedMullins · 15/11/2022 13:08

Venetiaparties · 15/11/2022 12:17

It is somewhat different if the roles are reversed and the parents move away. I guess they would expect to need to fit around a young family with or without a move overseas. Adapting to the needs of younger family members or caring for older relatives.

The issue is one of rejection.

Rejection of a child is extremely painful, whatever the reason or circumstances. As described by op, she is very hurt and not unreasonably. She considered her family important enough to move back and that feeling has not been reciprocated. I can imagine she feels devastated on some level.

Parents should not be moving on/filling holes and gaps and somehow erasing their child out of their lives, that is what we do with distant relatives/old friends we don't see often and people that are infinitely replaceable. Children for the most part should not be replaceable by boules, brunch on a Friday and tennis.
Rejecting your child and grandchildren will be catastrophic for the relationship in the end, it will be very hard for op to move past this once she has returned, the relationship is likely to cool down even more to perhaps the absolute bare minimum and might break down altogether.

I encouraged her to share her feelings about this with them, as a result, because they deserve to know what is happening and have the chance to turn things around if they want to. Op needs to know that leaving again will compound and confirm their suspicions that she never intended to stay in the first place, and this is cruel to them. She must do all she can to avoid giving them the perfect excuse to blame her for this outcome. She is not to blame. Honesty will throw light on each view and allow a conversation to be had, and a conclusion to be reached with everyone aware of the truth, not their version of it.

Show quote history

I agree with you on the weirdness about people emigrating but I don’t agree with this. They're not rejecting her, they do see her (once or twice a month sounds like a lot to me) they just aren’t involved with the intensity and frequency she’d like. Of course life moves on when your children are adults! It should move on when they leave the family home, let alone emigrate. Parents shouldn’t just sit in stasis waiting for their kids to call on them, they’re people in their own right with lives and interests of their own. I don’t think they’re obligated to fawn over grandchildren either. They’ve done their time with babies and toddlers.

Venetiaparties · 15/11/2022 13:33

It is not once or twice a month ted that she sees her dp. It is nothing like it.

The once per month I'm referring to could be that in a timespan of 30 days I see my DF when he pops in for a cup of tea for 30 mins

She only sees her father once a month for 30 minutes. The rest she described as several months passing and not seeing her or dh's family. They are twenty minutes away. So whilst I agree parents should most definitely have their own lives, interests and friends it is hard to see how a child can not feel rejected in this scenario?

Venetiaparties · 15/11/2022 13:34

And its hardly fawning to never wish to organise a small and brief visit to see your own grandchildren! Nothing is compulsory, but you would think they would want to see them.....

CocoFifi · 16/11/2022 12:07

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 09:18

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

I live abroad, but realise my friends and family have a life where they live too. When we do see them it is quality time we spend together rather than nipping in for half an hour to see them, which is what inevitably happens when you live nearer, as everyday life takes over. You should have enough going on in your own life to not worry about your children being a disappoint, which I think is an awful thing to say.

sue20 · 18/11/2022 11:09

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 09:34

We moved away as a childless couple. Moved back when the DC were very young. We have been back for two years and lucky if we see GP or siblings once twice per month now. Extended family we have seen maybe two or three times in two years. Friends we don't see a lot but again they are busy with their own extended families.

I don't have any expectation of help with childcare, I pay a fortune for nursery however I've always done that so I'm used to it. Most weekends we spend on our own with the DC, I used to try and organise things but now I've given up.

Just makes me sad that we uprooted our lives and gave up so much so the DC could know their family and they barely see them

without knowing the exact geographics( village, town, city?) I’d say twice a month or near very reasonable amount of contact these busy stressed times. That’s every other week? It’s the quality that matters surely. It’s good that your children were very young when you came back as it gives all the involvement of growing up alongside. (. And remember influences for better or worse . )

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